“You’re good with Lane. He really likes you.”
I reach for her hand on the console. I told myself I was going to keep my hands off her on the ride to her house, but I barely made it a block. “I really like him. He’s a great kid, Katie.”
She turns her knees toward me and sits facing me. Even with my eyes on the road, I can feel her watching me. “What is it?”
“Are you planning on having kids one day?”
My stomach turns at the question. I should just tell her and be honest with her now, but I don’t. I’ve never said the words out loud before, and I can’t imagine saying them now. So I say what needs to be said, without actually saying it. “No, I’ll never have kids.”
She leans back. “You don’t ever want kids?”
I can’t look at her. I just shake my head. “No.”
She’s quiet, and before she can ask me anything else, I ask the question that I probably don’t want to know the answer to. “What about you? Do you want more kids?”
She doesn’t even hesitate. “Yes. I want to get married again. I want to give Lane a brother and a sister.”
There’s an instant ache in my chest because I know none of that is going to happen with me. I’d give almost anything to be with Katie and give her what she wants, but I’m not that guy. I can’t be. I try to hide the sadness from my face and give her a small smile. She’s looking out the window now, so she doesn’t see it. “You’re a great mother,” I tell her and then silently add, I’m sure you’d be a great wife, too.
9
Katie
He doesn’t want kids... or a family at all, it sounds like.
The rest of the way home, the car is filled with silence. I shouldn’t ask. I keep telling myself that over and over, but when he pulls into my driveway, I can’t stop myself. I turn in my seat as he takes the keys out of the ignition. I remind myself to keep this light. I don’t want him to think that just because I want to have sex with him that I’m trying to ask for a ring or anything. “So... can I ask...”
I stop when I see his face. He looks guarded, like he’d rather be doing anything except having this conversation. “Forget it,” I say as I get out of the truck.
I walk around, and he meets me in the front. “No, go ahead, ask me.” And even though he’s telling me it’s okay, I can tell it’s not.
I pull back my shoulders. “I’m just surprised, I guess. You’re so good with Lane. I figured you’d want to have children one day.”
He’s staring at me, and I’m so confused by all the emotions that cross his face. There’s so many it’s hard to count, but I know I see longing. He crosses his arms over his chest, telling me just how uncomfortable he is to be having this conversation. With a shrug, he says, “I just don’t. I never pictured myself with kids.”
I search his face. There’s something he’s not telling me. I wait for him to continue, and when he doesn’t, I nod and start to walk up the path to my house.
He reaches for me. “Look, if you’ve changed your mind...”
I haven’t, though. I only met him a month ago, so I don’t know why him not wanting kids bothers me so much. It shouldn’t... but it does. I let him pull me toward him. “I haven’t changed my mind...”
He leans down to look into my eyes. “But?”
“But.” I exhale. “Nothing can come of this. It will be like my friend Jamie says. You’ll be my rebound guy, no strings, no commitments, nothing. We’ll have some fun, and then we’ll go our separate ways.”
I wait for him to argue with me about it. He looks like he might. His lips are pressed together, and his jaw is pulled tight. I wait for him to say no, that he doesn’t like those conditions, or maybe I’m just hoping that’s what will happen. But it doesn’t. Instead, he slowly nods his head up and down. “You got it.”
I tilt my head to the side and search his eyes. “That’s all right with you?”
He huffs and pushes his free hand through his hair. By the time he’s done with it, it’s standing every direction, but he doesn’t seem to care. “It has to be... right? We want different things, so yeah, if that’s the only way I can have you, then yes, it’s all right with me.”
Even though I’m hurt, I try not to show it. I simply nod back at him and finish the walk up the stairs and into the house. He’s trailing right behind me. I turn my head but keep walking. “Lock the door, will you?”
I walk through the dark house, down the hall and into my bedroom. He finds me as I’m standing at the end of my bed, undressing. There’s a little light coming in the window blind from the streetlight outside, but it’s still pretty dark. At least it is until he flips on the bedroom light.
I cover myself with the shirt I just took off. “Trey, what are you doing?”
He’s standing in the doorway with his shirt hanging in his hand. He’s staring at me, and I watch as his chest heaves as if he’s been running instead of walking down the short hallway. “I told you that I wasn’t going to let you hide from me.”
I clench the shirt tighter. “I’m not hiding, but I’ve never had sex with the light on.”
He closes his eyes, and when he opens them, they are shades darker, and he looks downright pissed. “I don’t want to hear about the other times you had sex.”
I can feel his possession from across the room. He wants me, there’s no doubt about it, and even though this can only be one night, I feel like he could want more. I just don’t know what’s holding him back. We stand here, staring at each other. I take in the muscles on his chest, his large defined arms that are covered in tattoos, and his hands that are big and flexing at his sides. He looks like a man that is about to lose all control, but I know he’d never hurt me. I don’t know how I know that, but I do.
He licks his lips, and I can’t help but remember back at Savage Ink and the way he touched my blemished stomach and the way he made me feel. He made me feel more beautiful in that one moment than I’d ever felt in all my years of marriage. Knowing that, I drop my shirt and take off my shoes at the same time. I want to look away or close my eyes, but I can’t. I lock my gaze on his and continue undressing. I slip my bra from my shoulders and let it drop to the floor at my feet. I undo my jeans and slide them down my hips before stepping out of them and kicking them to the side. When all I have left is my panties, I pull them down and kick them to the side before I stand back up to my full height and am completely naked.
He doesn’t move. He simply stares at me under hooded eyes. It’s almost as if I can feel him touching me as his eyes move down and back up my body. My breasts feel full, there’s a pull in my lower belly, and I can feel the wetness pool at the juncture of my thighs.
He strides toward me and doesn’t stop until I feel his chest against my naked breasts. I heave at the contact, and my nipples harden almost painfully.
“You’re so beautiful, Katie.”
“I’m not...” I start, but he interrupts me.