That was what scared him.
Free will.
Because he’d never had it.
Never been given it.
Oh, Kas.
I stopped crawling as I reached his huddled, bleeding shape by the wall. I did what others had never done and approached him softly, slowly, sweetly. And when I touched his knees, it was with a gentleness that made his spine buckle and entire body quake.
His skin was like ice as if he’d been in a blizzard. Wet with sweat and covered in shame, he trembled. He flinched away from me as if fully expecting me to carve him with a knife or set fire to his body with a match.
I had no doubt both those things had been done to him.
Silently, I caressed my way from his knees over his hands, his arms, his shoulders, to his face. I didn’t speak. I didn’t think I could. The pressure in my chest had lodged into my throat, choking me just as his own grief choked him.
If, on my dying bed, I broke my promise and spilled this secret, I would ensure whoever I told understood that treating this man with respect and tenderness wasn’t some misplaced ideology formed by a silly girl who’d been held captive against her will, but because the very same man who’d hurt her had shown such heart-shattering remorse.
His tears were genuine.
His horror was real.
That was what allowed me to forget about what he’d done and pull his face from his palms.
He fought me, burying deeper as if he couldn’t stomach to look at me.
I tugged harder, inching closer until I pressed myself against his quaking legs. Slowly, ever so slowly and with the utmost reluctance, he raised his chin and gritted his teeth.
And God, I couldn’t cope.
I’d never seen a man stripped so bare. So utterly flayed alive with guilt and anguish. His cheeks glittered with tears. His eyes were dark and glossy with eternal sadness. His lips were bitten and parted, panting for oxygen as if his lungs forbade him from breathing.
His gaze met mine.
And the stark, raw emotions crashing off him punched me square in the chest, tattooing his pain onto my heart forever, ensuring I would always remember him, always worry about him, always protect him.
Maternal instincts rose swift and sharp—a direct contrast to the feminine side of me that burned beneath his stare. I didn’t know how I could look at him and feel so many things. Too many things. I recognised a haunted man who could so easily cause me harm...and had. I saw a beast that ought to be put down to cease his suffering. And I also saw a lover who had the power to summon equal parts fight and desire, violence and passion, and the rarest forms of electrical, mystical connection.
He shook his head.
At what, I didn’t know. Perhaps, I was too close for him. Maybe, he begged even now, for me not to hurt him. He stayed coiled against the wall, a hulking shape of savagery but at the same time trembled—conditioned to expect torture instead of comfort.
He shook his head again, a guttural groan escaping him.
I didn’t move away.
I moved closer.
Slowly, so as not to spook him, I inched toward his side and kneeled next to him. Pushing away his discarded jeans, I settled close. As close as I dared to a wounded animal.
He shuddered as his gaze dropped from mine and locked onto my bare legs.
He stiffened to stone even as his hips pulsed with phantom need. His erection was angry and painfully hard. His groan came again, this time so deep and rough it reached between my legs and stroked.
My nipples pebbled as my breath caught.
The web of chemistry between us sprang from every corner, a net of lust falling over us, shimmering with persecution.
“No,” he whispered, unable to tear his eyes from my naked thighs.
I hadn’t bothered dressing after our walk to the river. I still only wore the shirt that’d dried in the sun with no underwear or protection. While I’d been cooking, it’d almost been vindictive to remain that way. My way of proving to myself that I didn’t need scraps of cotton to feel covered. The only way I’d feel myself and safe in this place was to accept that I lived with a mentally damaged man who didn’t mean what he did but was too unreachable to reason with.
That man now drank me in as if I was both poison and elixir.
His hands balled into fists as I swayed closer, running my fingers through his long, sweaty hair, letting him know I wasn’t afraid. That I was trying to teach him I would never be cruel. That I was trying to keep myself safe by giving him someone to trust.
He moaned like a dying thing.
His good hand suddenly snatched my wrist, yanking my fingers from his hair. His chest rose and fell, sucking up air and lust. “I said no.”
I swallowed back the pressure in my throat. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
His eyes widened until his eyelashes touched his brows. “What? That’s what you think? That I’m afraid of you?”
I stilled. “Aren’t you? You...you were having a nightmare. I know you weren’t awake when you—”
“Christ!” He laughed coldly, choking on disbelief. With a burst of strength, he shoved me away, making me slide backward on the carpet. “I remember every part. How I forced you. How I thrust my way inside you all while you screamed at me not to.”
“You didn’t see me. Not until the end. You said something about Levin. You moaned about snow and—”
“Get the hell away from me.”
“I don’t understand—”
He swiped at the wetness still oozing from his narrowed eyes, self-hatred blazing in his stare. “I. Hurt. You!” He pushed backward even more, wedging himself deeper against the wall. “I. Raped. You.” He shook his head as another twisted cough fell from his lips. “I deserve whatever pain you want to give me. I’ll sit here while you stab me, burn me, butcher me piece by piece, yet you fucking touch me! You stroke me as if I’m the one who—”
“It’s okay.”
He snarled. “It’s not okay. Nothing about this is okay. And for you to say it is? Fuck!” He looked at the ceiling before pinning me back in his ferocity. “You’re as insane as me. Get away from me, Gemma! Run! You’re just inviting me to hurt you again by being so goddamn naïve!”
My temper didn’t rise to meet his. I was removed, serene.
I knew what I had to do.
Crawling back toward him, I hesitated just a second before placing my hand on his shoulder.
He jolted as if I’d electrocuted him. “Stop—”
“I forgive you.”
“You forgive—?” He hissed between his teeth. “Goddammit, you...you—” He pointed a shaking finger in my face. “Don’t. Don’t ever forgive me. I don’t deserve it. I—”
“Kas...” I massaged his shoulder.
He shot from his ass to his knees, scooting away from me. “I told you to quit touching me, you idiotic fool!”
“And I told you it’s okay.”
“It’s. Not. Okay!”
“I’m not going to hurt you!” I reached for him again. All I wanted to do was give him a hug. That was it. A simple, stupid hug. Something I doubted he’d ever had. Something that enveloped all his sins and all his insanities and gave him something to cling to.
I needed to do it.
I wouldn’t give up.
If I didn’t make him believe I forgave him, he would suppress yet another shitty memory. He’d chew it up and swallow it down until it riddled him with yet more disease. He’d make me become just another sickness inside him.