“Stop.” I tripped backward. “Please stop.”
Breathing hard, he flinched as if he saw his family and not me. His gaze refocused on mine, despair gleaming inside him.
Silence fell for a thick second, clogging up the library.
Finally, he raked both hands through his hair and sighed. “Having you tell me things I desperately want to be true is the cruelest sort of trick. Hearing you say you feel something for me? That something happened between us? Christ...” He licked his lips, shaking his head. “I would kill for that. I would get on my knees and be whatever you wanted me to be if I believed for one second that I deserved it. But you have to understand, I don’t have a fucking heart to give you. You say you have feelings for me? Well, don’t. I didn’t ask for you to care for me, just like my family didn’t ask me to care for them. Love was the one thing we couldn’t get free of. It kept us all trapped here because none of us were willing to hurt the others by leaving. Storymaker knew that. That was why he never needed locks or cages. Love kept us trapped. Love kept us suffering. Love was the most agonizing thing I’ve ever endured, so, my suggestion to you, Gemma Ashford, is to forget about whatever happened last night. Don’t shackle yourself to a memory. Don’t believe in something that will only make you a prisoner. Be like me and erase it because it will only bring you more pain than you can imagine.”
I-I couldn’t—
I couldn’t breathe around the agony that’d replaced my heart.
All my hopes.
All my silly fantasies.
They all writhed and died on the library’s carpet by Kas’s feet.
Not because he didn’t believe me. Not because he didn’t remember.
But because he’d just shared a singular, soul-slicing clue into his psyche.
He wasn’t afraid of what they’d done to him. He wasn’t afraid of his memories of torture.
He was afraid of failing his family.
Afraid of love itself.
Oh, God.
It was suddenly horrendously, horribly clear.
He’d chained me because he needed something to bind me to him that wasn’t love.
He’d hurt me because any sign of affection reminded him of the family he couldn’t protect.
He’d wiped his memory clean of something that had the power to free both of us because it was the scariest thing of all.
Love.
An everlasting connection that would have made him become my everything and me to become his...sole responsibility to keep safe from unknown monsters, to protect me from himself, to sacrifice his pain over and over again. Forever the martyr. Always the abused. All because his heart commanded he shelter and guard those he cared for with every breath he had.
We could’ve become everything.
This could’ve become everything.
But in reality, nothing was further from the truth.
Love for Kas was just another prison he couldn’t survive.
I backed away, slapping a hand over my mouth as a sob crawled up my chest.
It wasn’t just his broken mind I had to repair.
It was the fact that even in this hellish place with rapists and abusers, he’d learned the cost of love. Yet he’d only felt the weight of obligation instead of the freedom of being loved in return.
I would always be a threat to him. Never a cure.
I would always tempt him and remind him of what falling in love demanded.
Pain.
Unsurmountable pain that no one should ever have to endure.
Tears tracked down my cheeks as I choked on the overwhelming pressure inside me. I was bruised with it, trembling and shaking, hurting right to my bones.
I didn’t know what to do anymore.
I wanted to tell him I loved him even though he could never love me in return.
I loved him despite the hurt that would come from it.
I loved him regardless of the hurt I felt right now, the pain that crushed me into dust and scattered me in every corner of this godforsaken valley.
I loved him.
But I didn’t think it would give him peace of mind to know that.
Not now.
Especially not now.
“Kas, I—” I swiped at my tears, doing my best to stop my agony. But it wasn’t just my agony that bled me dry. It was also his. God, I felt for him. I cried for him. I ached for him. I wanted to pull him close and tell him I would never hurt him like those monsters had. That he could fall for me and not be afraid that he’d have to die in order to protect me.
Loving me would be gift enough.
Caring for me and finding happiness in my arms would’ve given my entire life purpose. It would’ve fulfilled my destiny. Completed fate and all the other star-crossed prophecies that’d led me to trespass in his valley.
I’d hoped we’d turned a corner last night.
But we hadn’t.
Instead, we’d just run headfirst into a brick wall that’d broken both of us.
Backing away, I nodded, accepting what he’d told me, needing some space, some time, some self-reflection on how I could possibly have the strength to repeat this entire thing again.
He held up his palms in surrender, discomfort rippling down his back from the awkward silence that’d descended. “Look, I’m sorry for exploding like that—”
“I-I’m not feeling well.” I forced myself to make eye contact, bracing myself against the swirling torment in his stare. “I need...I need to be alone for a while.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m...” I sighed, not knowing how to tell him I needed space before my heart popped like a balloon and I wilted to the floor with nothing but dead dreams in my hands. “I’ll come find you in a bit, okay?”
“No, not okay.” He frowned. “I said I was sorry. I didn’t mean to say what I did. I told you I wouldn’t be responsible if you kept pushing me. Let’s just forget what happened, okay?” He sighed. “I don’t like fighting with you. And I...I don’t want you to go.”
Starbursts exploded in my stomach. I wanted so much to read into that sentence. To pick it apart and reorder the words to deliver what I wanted to hear.
I was wrong.
Last night was incredible, and I do remember it. I remember every wonderful detail.
Instead of asking him why he didn’t want me to go, I shrugged again.
I didn’t have the strength to hear whatever answer he’d give me.
Hopefully by this afternoon, my heart wouldn’t be so bruised, and my bones wouldn’t be so brittle. I could firmly put on a mask that hid my true feelings and figure out our new normal.
His eyes burned into mine. Still full of shadows. Still buried beneath trauma. It would be so easy to cup his cheek and kiss him. To seek that electricity of last night.
But I was done.
Overwhelmed.
I had to come to terms with the fact there was no permanent progress with Kas. There would only be setbacks and fuck-ups and a stupid, stupid hope that would slowly chip away into nothing.
I moved toward him, skirting past with a weary smile. “I’ll see you in a bit.”
His hand lashed out, locking around my wrist. “Don’t go.”
I glanced at his fingers.
My skin heated beneath his touch.
And it hurt all over again.
It hurt so much I needed to run, to hide, just until I was strong enough. “Let me go.” I blinked back my sadness. “Please...let me go.”