I have to make some small talk. Jumping right into asking about Arlo will be tipping my hand, and I never like to do that, even if it involves family.
Lily: Um, good. U?
Me: Great. Great.
Lily: What’s up?
Me: Why does anything have to be up?
Lily: You rarely text me outside the group chat.
Me: I’m turning over a new leaf.
Lily: You’re waiting for Arlo, aren’t you?
Me: No.
Lily: Liar.
That text is followed by a winky face on Lily’s end and a slew of curse words on mine. I hate that she knows me so well. She shouldn’t. She’s the sweetest and most innocent one in the family, but she and I click for some strange reason. I think it’s her insatiable need to fix things, including people.
Me: Heard from her?
Lily: Have you?
Me: Fuck. Would I be asking you if I had?
Lily: Interesting.
Me: What’s interesting?
Lily: Arlo not texting you.
I roll onto my back, throwing more than a few “motherfuckers” out there because my cousin is trying my patience, and I can guarantee she’s laughing her ass off, too.
Me: Never mind.
Lily: Mello.
Me: This was the dumbest idea ever. I don’t know how you talked me into it.
Lily: Cause you’re old and need to settle down.
I blink, snarling at the screen as she uses my own words against me.
Me: I’m not old, and I do NOT need to settle down.
Lily: You said that, though. You said you were “old and tired.”
Me: I needed a nap, babe. Not a new life.
I’m fucking lying, and she’s calling me out. Lily forgets nothing. Never has and never will. The girl’s mind is like a steel trap, mining little gems when she needs to remind us of our bullshit.
Lily: You want a family someday, right?
My mind goes there, and I let it. But the most fucked-up part is it’s Arlo holding a green-eyed little girl, the spitting image of her mother, lying next to me. I shake my head, ridding myself of that insane thought.
Me: Someday. I still have a solid decade left in me, though.
Lily: A decade? You’ll be 40.
Me: And…
Lily: You want more than one kid?
Me: Fuck if I know. I’ll have whatever she wants.
Lily: Then you better get on that, Casanova, cause you’re not getting any younger. And your shit may work now, but eventually, it’ll give out like an old engine.
I read her message more than once with my fingers hovering over the buttons, formulating my reply.
Me: Men don’t have an expiration date, Lil.
Lily: Oh. Guess what?
Me: What?
Lily: Arlo’s calling. Hang on.
Me: What’s she saying?
Lily: Hello.
Me: No shit. What else?
Lily: Shut up so I can talk to her. Jesus.
Me: Mention me.
I groan and drop my phone next to me, wanting to punch myself in the face. I’m a needy twat. Two days after being exposed to the woman again, and I’ve turned into a different person.
Lily: She’s going to text you.
Me: When?
Lily: Settle down, rover.
Me: Fuck it. I’m going out.
Lily: Don’t you dare.
I head for the bathroom, ready for a shower, when my phone dings. I ignore it, turning on the water instead. Then, there’s not just one ding but an entire series of them, sounding like the worst song beat ever.
I give in, swiping across the screen, and the messages start scrolling by in rapid-fire succession.
Lily: He said he’s going out because he’s had to wait two entire days for Arlo.
Gigi: Don’t you fucking dare ruin this.
Tamara: Pansy.
Gigi: Boys are weak.
Tamara: He’s so, so, so weak.
Lily: It’s kind of sweet.
Me: I’m here, assholes. I can see what you say.
Gigi: And?
Tamara: So. We’d say it to your face too.
Mammoth: You ladies are fucked up. Leave the guy alone. He was perfectly happy before y’all stuck your noses in his business.
Tamara: Honey…shut up. He was not. Were you happier before me? Let’s be real about that. No one gave it to you as good as I do, baby.
Mammoth: …
Pike: Oh fuck.
Gigi: That’s some loud silence.
Tamara: That’s because he’s currently stalking my way, undoing his belt.
Gigi: Hot.
Lily: Why?
Tamara: Girl, read spicier books.
Lily: Duh. I do read spicy books.
Pike: Everyone leave Mello alone. He likes his life. Women always want to change a man. It’s like a life’s quest.
Lily: I’m talking to Arlo.
Tamara: And?
Gigi: Don’t you have an ass to get spanked, Tam?
Tamara: I’m multifaceted.
Gigi: You can suck dick and text? I’m seriously impressed.
My cousins make my head hurt.
Rocco: I’m horrified.
Pike: Why?
Rocco: The girls are worse than us, bro.
Pike: Was there any doubt?
Rocco: Brother, when are you hooking up with Arlo?
Lily: She hasn’t even called or texted him yet.
Pike: Not a good sign.
Gigi: She’s playing him right.
I shake my head, hating all of them.
Me: No one’s playing me, especially not Arlo. She’s not that type.
Mammoth: Bro, you sitting there with your dick in your hand tonight?
Gigi: Ew.
Tamara: Mammoth.
Mammoth: What, babe? Serious question. Either he’s out, searching for tail, or he’s home, waiting for Arlo with his dick in his hand. He’s a man. He’s not sitting on the couch watching some sappy chick flick, crying tears.
Pike: Carmello never waits around for pussy.
Pike is technically right. At least, the old me never would have. But this me, the one who’s laid eyes on and touched Arlo, is very much sitting around with his dick in his hand…and I hate him.
Gigi: We’re more than pussy.
Pike: You ain’t got a dick.
Gigi: How are you my husband?
Pike: Because I got that dick you like, darlin’.
Me: There comes a point where we cross a line as a family and hit TMI. We hit it.
Lily: Oh.
Me: Oh?
Gigi: Oh?
Tamara: Oh?
Nick: You all need a life.
Pike: For fuck’s sake.
Me: Is this what married life is like, ’cause you’re all super lame.
Tamara: Yeah, but we all got fucked tonight. Did you?
Me: Again, TMI, asshat.
Mammoth: Who’d you fuck?
Tamara: Shut up, baby. Stop playing games.
Mammoth: Wait until the kids go to sleep. You’re getting it again.
Tamara: You making me a promise?
Me: STOP.
Gigi: Mello’s grouchy.
Nick: Blue balls are setting in.
Rocco: I don’t think he’s gone this long without getting laid in his entire life.
Me: Lies.
Rocco: In the last eleven years, what was your longest dry spell?
I know the answer to his question. It was after Carrie died. She and I were never exclusive, but losing her tore me up. I had a very brief period when I didn’t sleep with anyone because I felt dirty, like I was sullying her memory, and my head was so fucked up, I couldn’t even look at a woman without thinking of her.
Me: You guys can all fuck off.
Gigi: Imagine what he’s going to be like after a month.