Delicious shit.
However, not the reason why he’d interrupted a promising couple from consummating. Much as he’d like to see Heaven choke on Helen’s choice, it was time for the next phase of his plan.
“Hello, Reaper.”
“Go the fuck away.”
Lucifer tsked. “That is not the correct way to greet me if you’re going to keep your man parts, my friend.”
With a grumble, Julio released Helen and faced the devil. “Evening, dark lord, how can I fucking help you?”
“That’s better. A little heavy on the insolence, but then again, all my best soldiers seem to have a bit too much of a backbone.”
“I assume there’s a reason for your visit.” Which, when translated, was actually, “Tell me what you want then fuck off.”
“I’m afraid the fucking will have to wait, Reaper, so tuck away your little friend. I have to admit to surprise that you’d want to waste time doing the horizontal tango given what just happened. The lovely Helen was attacked and this after I’d extended my personal protection to her as my guest. Some demons have a lot of nerve!” the devil exclaimed. “A shame the dragon took care of them. I’d have loved to torture them myself.”
“You can still go after the one who hired them,” Julio stated. “And send a warning to anyone else who thinks it’s okay to come after Helen.”
The boy had gotten sharp since he’d come to Hell. No more haze from the drugs and booze. He’d gone clean. Lucifer, though, knew how to talk his way in circles. “What makes you think they were hired?”
“Because I was talking to Michael the archangel, and he told me he’d bribed demons to take her!” Julio raked his fingers through his hair while Helen remained quiet and listening. Frowning as well.
“Michael sent them?” she suddenly asked. “The Michael?”
Julio pressed his lips and nodded.
“That’s who you went to meet?”
Julio sighed. “I didn’t know until I got there.”
“What did he want?” she asked.
The devil snorted. “What do you think he wanted?”
“Me?” Her voice emerged low and soft.
Julio nodded. “Michael told me to hand you over.”
“That’s not all he said,” Lucifer the troublemaker sang. “Tell her all of it.”
That had the reaper scowling. “He said he’d taken care of Theodore and you’d be forgiven. That you could return to Heaven.”
Helen’s expression froze. “But I don’t want to.”
Relief flood Julio’s face. “I didn’t think you did, which is why I said no, a couple of times as a matter of fact. He then said it didn’t matter because he’d hired someone to kidnap you while I was distracted.”
“Only he didn’t count on Lucinda’s dragon to come to the rescue.” Lucifer clapped his hands.
“How did the dragon get up here?” Julio asked.
“I don’t know,” Lucifer lied. No need to tell them about a certain foretelling. His seer had been on a roll lately, predicting all kinds of cool shit if paths were nudged a certain way. Why he might even be able to do something about the Jujube-Gaia situation if he tweaked events just right. “Does it really matter how the dragon got up here? The thing we should focus on is the attack on Helen.” Lucifer diverted their attention.
“It happened because the security guard on duty sucks.” Julio scowled.
“Security was getting blown in the closet.” Lucifer had watched for a bit before interrupting another couple about to have sex.
“What are you going to do to fix this so it doesn’t happen again?” Julio growled.
“Me? How is this my problem?”
“You said it yourself, she’s your guest. What are you going to do to protect her?”
“Replace you for starters, apparently. If anyone is to blame, it’s you. Leaving her alone.” Lucifer shook his head in disappointment. “And here I thought you’d protect her.”
Julio’s jaw clenched. “I know how to protect her. We need to clip some wings. Those angels need to accept she’s not going back.”
“Technically, they are well within their right to demand her return. We do have an agreement, you know.”
“Which they broke.”
“Did they?” Lucifer asked. “You brought an angel to Hell.”
“And? She’s not the first. Your own daughter is married to an angel,” Julio pointed out.
“The difference is Helen has not yet fallen.”
Julio’s face creased in confusion. “How can she not be? She’s broken a ton of their rules.”
“Newer rules. Not the old ones. The ones that count most. And being fallen is more than just the breaking of their laws. My brother has to actually cast an angel out if they’re going to be blocked from Heaven. And we all know that’s not going to happen anytime soon given his sabbatical.”
“I’m not fallen?” Helen asked.
“Nope. And until you are, you’re considered a citizen of Heaven. Which is causing all kinds of legal problems. We’ve been managing to stall them because of the whole marriage thing. However, without progeny involved, they’re already speaking of dissolving the union. A full annulment.”
“They can’t annul. We’ve consummated,” Julio said, and Helen squeaked.
“Doesn’t matter. Angels cannot marry. Especially not a reaper created with my power.”
Julio growled. “There has to be a loophole.”
The devil shrugged. “We’re working on it. Ideally, my brother gets out of whatever prison Charlie has him held in and he begins dealing fallen status like cards in a poker game.”
“How long before that happens?” Julio asked.
“Depends on which future we’re talking about. Most of them it’s a few centuries. In some, he never gets out, and boy, talk about angels gone wild.” Lucifer slapped his leg.
“Meaning it’s not going to happen anytime soon.”
Helen put a hand on Julio’s arm. “The devil is here because he has an idea, though.”
“Clever girl.” Lucifer winked.
Whereas the reaper glared. “Oh no you don’t. You’re not using Helen in whatever weird plot you have brewing.”
“Me, plot?” Lucifer might have exaggerated a tad. He’d been out of sorts lately. It didn’t help his wife suddenly played perfect mother to the children. He’d gone from being their primary caretaker to having to hunt them down, certain she’d finally flipped, only to find them doing something wholesome. Like baking cookies shaped like horned ducks. Or making him that cooling blanket in the shape of a shark eating him.
“Knowing you, you’re going to dangle her like bait.” Julio knew him so well.
But the devil knew Julio even better.
“On the contrary, I want Helen to stay out of Heaven. Why do you think I’ve been avoiding the phone calls?” Each communication was getting more strident in demand. Lucifer had heard from a few of the major archangels at this point, Michael being the most irritating. None of the demands came from his brother. Nor Charlie. No one had seen his nephew since after he’d had his Father imprisoned.