“What if he’d died?”
“He didn’t.”
“He could have.”
“But he didn’t. The blood transfusion is helping, and we’re trying a different medication for his lungs. He’s doing better.”
Relief fills me, but it’s short-lived. “I’m gonna stay out here. He’ll be better off that way.”
“That’s not true. He needs you.”
I level her with a stare. “For what? What is it that I’m doing that you or any of the other nurses can’t?” I look at the exit sign. “I’m only making things worse.”
Becca has the right idea by keeping her distance and not getting attached. That way when it happens again and he dies, she won’t be inconsolable.
She won’t lose everything.
Including the things that were never yours to begin with.
“Preston, wait,” the nurse calls out when I start walking.
When my footsteps slow down, she leads me out of the waiting room and down an empty hallway.
“I know it’s scary, and it may not seem like you’re doing much, but believe me, you are.” She puts her hand on my cheek. My first instinct is to recoil, but the gesture feels motherly rather than romantic. “This happens with premature babies all the time. Some days are better than others. Today was a bad day, but he’s stable now. Don’t blame yourself for what happened. And don’t give up on yourself or your son, because he is fighting so hard.” I shake my head, but she grabs my shoulders. “Don’t make the mistake of checking out when you’re the only good thing that little boy has right now.”
I run a hand through my hair, gripping the short strands. “I can’t…I’m not…” A tsunami of hopelessness rushes through me, and I have to flip the script and channel it in to rage so I can keep my shit together and not crumble in front of her and whoever else is watching us.
Alive or dead, this baby isn’t mine. I’m not his dad…I’m not his anything.
But I wanted to be. Which is so fucked because when she first told me she was pregnant, the only thing I wanted was him and her gone for good.
Until I saw the ultrasound.
Suddenly, this thing I’d been dreading and hating for ruining my life was everything I never knew I wanted…for reasons I’ll never understand.
I slam the wall with my fist. The anger pumping through me is so thick it’s like lava.
I’m so fucking mad at Becca for being a conniving whore and taking him away from me.
I’m so mad at Kit for asking me that goddamn question on the bridge that planted the seed of doubt, then turning around and fucking everything up by making me have feelings for her.
But most of all? I’m mad at myself for believing the illusion.
“Feel better now?” Nurse Ratched asks after I take my second swing at the wall.
I look down at my swollen knuckles. “No.”
There’s only one thing that can dull the roar.
I feel around my pockets for my wallet and keys. “Take care of him.”
“Wait.”
I push past her, but her next statement stops me in my tracks.
“What if I told you I knew something that may help?”
“Unless you’re about to tell me there’s a secret casino in this hospital, I doubt it.”
“All I need is ten minutes.”
I spin around. “Thanks for the offer, but I’m not really in the mood to fuck a cougar wearing scrubs that are probably older than I am.”
Her expression sets. “Don’t flatter yourself, boy. I said ten minutes, not two. Now mind your elders and come with me.”
Begrudgingly, I follow her past the locked doors. Only, instead of heading into his room, she turns down another hallway and brings me to a closet.
Then she hands me soap, a towel, and a pair of scrubs in plastic wrapping. “What—”
“Through there is a private shower for parents.” She points to a door. “After you wash up, change into the scrubs and come find me.”
“Why?”
“You’ll see.”
With that, she walks down the hallway.
“Absolutely fucking not.”
Nurse Ratched sighs. “I’ve already cleared it with the on-call doctor. He thinks it’s a great idea, and we should have done it sooner.”
“Then the medical community has monumentally failed because you’re both out of your goddamn minds. There’s no way in hell I’m letting you take him out of his Easy Bake Oven and hand him over to me. Not only is he still hooked up to machines, but he almost died a few hours ago.”
And if I screw this up and make him even worse, I’ll never forgive myself.
“Calm down,” she whispers. “He picks up on your temperament and energy, remember?”
“No, he doesn’t. He doesn’t even realize I’m in the room. You know why? Because he is a baby stuck in a bubble. Which is exactly where he should stay because he is sick.” She opens her mouth, but I cut her off. “I swear on everything you love, if you take him out and something happens to him, I will fucking kill—”
A long, grunting, squeaky sound cuts me off mid-sentence. “What’s happening?”
Her hand goes to her heart. “He’s crying.”
“He can’t…he hasn’t.”
“He is.” She lifts the top of the incubator and coos at him. “Told you he responds to you.” She gestures to the chair. “Now take off your shirt and get comfortable.”
I shouldn’t be doing this. He’s not my baby. He’s not my problem.
He’s not my…
“Holy shit.”
There’s a crying baby on my chest.
“Breathe, Preston. You won’t hurt him.”
My eyes narrow. “Really? Because I highly disagree. One wrong move and he’ll end up worse.”
“You need to have some faith in yourself.” She adjusts his wires and tubes. “I know you’re not going to harm him.” She puts a pillow behind my head. “And he knows it too.”
The woman is out of her fucking mind; but given I’m not able to move and there’s a sick baby laying on me, there’s not much I can do. “Any particular reason I had to take my shirt off? Or does the visual make it that much more enjoyable for the nurses?”
She dims the lights. “It’s called kangaroo care. The skin-to-skin contact helps stabilize him by regulating his heart rate, breathing, and temperature. It will also prevent infection and promote weight gain.”
“All that from sleeping on me?”
She nods. “Yup.” She pulls a phone out of her pocket and presses a few buttons. “Dads can only do it for an hour at a time, though.”
That’s strange. “Why?”
“Because you don’t have breasts.”
Horrified, I look down. “If you get hungry, do us both a solid and don’t suck on my nipples, okay? Not only will you be disappointed, but it will make shit weird.”
She laughs. “It has nothing to do with hunger. Breasts naturally adjust to the baby’s temperature. Since men don’t have breasts, he’ll overheat after an hour.”