My throat feels tight. Something uncomfortable pricks at the back of my eyes. I should probably say something, but I have no words right now.
So, I simply turn onto the main road, and press harder on the gas.
The temperature reader in my car says it's 111° outside. Waves of heat rise from the surface of the pavement. It's exactly how the air looks inside of the vault. Right now, the desert looks dead. Which it is. Not much of anything can survive in this kind of heat. It's the seventh of August. We still have at least a month until it starts to get comfortable again.
"What are we going into the city for, anyway?" Renwick asks for the first time. It's one of the things I like the most about him. He doesn't question me, really ever. He's a ride or die type of person, and I love that about him. If I had to be stuck with someone for a century and a half, I'm kind of glad he's one of those people.
"I was supposed to give up my lease a week ago," I say, relieved that we’re moving on to a topic that feels sort of normal. "I know I'm going to lose my deposit, but, whatever. However, my bike is still parked there. I need you to take it back to the compound."
"And what are you planning to do?" he asks as he gives me an incredulous look.
"There are just a couple of things that I need to wrap up," I say. It's a lie. Yes, I need to turn my keys in. But really, that shouldn't take more than a few minutes. The manager lives on the first floor of my building.
But Davorian was right. I need a break. I need a little bit of space. I need a few hours for my brain to think about something other than the ball of fear and anxiety that has wrapped itself around my heart.
Renwick doesn't ask any more questions. I think he knows. He knows what a mess I am right now. So, we finish the rest of our drive in silence.
Thirty minutes later, we pull into the parking lot of my apartment. It's surprisingly empty for this time of day. Most of the people who live here work on the Strip, meaning they don't usually start work until five in the evening or so. I park in the spot right next to my bike, which still sits there, undisturbed.
I dig into my pocket and pull out the key. I also grab some cash from my pocket, and hand all of it to Renwick. "Do you mind gassing it up for me? I'm not sure when I will take it into the city again."
He feels sorry for me. There's no question about that. Because usually, he would give me a hard time about asking him to do anything. But Renwick simply nods and climbs out of the car.
I watch as he starts up my bike, kicks up the kickstand, and pulls out of the parking lot, heading for the nearest gas station.
I pull out my key, and head up to the fifth floor where I used to live. I unlock the door, and step inside.
It's empty. I know that it's empty. Jaxon helped me move all my belongings out just over two weeks ago.
When we came back that day, I felt separated from it already. But suddenly, I feel kind of…adrift.
This sad apartment was my independence. It was me settling for a life I didn't want. But it was the first time in my life that I had lived on my own. Done my own thing.
I think about what is in my future. Life underground in a tunnel, surrounded by dozens of others. I might have known them at one point, but a century and a half of time tends to make people strangers once again.
And the others, the ones I've been with for all of this time, mostly hate me right now. They think I am a traitor.
They aren't wrong.
As I think about returning to the compound, I find that my chest feels tight with anxiety.
Jaxon is there, and that is enough to bring me back. But what do I have ahead of me? Just sitting around and waiting for the gate to react on the DarkVerse side? I might want to go home. But thinking about it right now, I kind of want a life. The time I spent with Jaxon felt…normal. We went out to eat. We went to hotels. We spent time with his family, and even though they are all criminals, it was something that normal people do.
My life isn't normal, but I want to give myself the option of gaining normalcy in the future.
Just to be safe, I double check that we didn't miss anything. We didn't. So, I walk out and lock the door behind me. I walk all the way down to the first floor and knock on the manager’s door.
He scowls at me, obviously annoyed that I never paid rent for this month and didn't fully surrender my keys until now. It was as I thought, that he wouldn’t give me my deposit back. But this was a tiny shoebox of a place, so it isn't a whole lot of money.
I hand over my keys, and it's done.
I get back in my car and start it, blasting the air conditioning. Then I back out and pull back onto the main road. I aim for my favorite casino.
It’s early. So, it isn’t busy. There aren’t a lot of people around. But I know how to work the system, no matter the time of day.
I make my way to a table and sit. “Deal me in.”
Creating a life takes money. I need more of it. I need as much as I can manage. Because if things get too out of control, I want to be sure I can take Jaxon and run, where we can survive on our own.
Chapter Two
Two more agents have arrived at the compound when I return that night. Everyone is in the middle of a huge dinner in the mess hall.
They’re all talking excitedly. They laugh. They catch up on over a century of missed time. They’re all having a great time.
As I stand outside the space, I look in at them.
I feel like an outsider.
The black sheep of the family.
I’m one of them, but they are all disgusted by me. They all think I’m a freak of nature.
The newcomers shouldn’t even know that anything is amiss. But they can’t help but hear the whispers. The others can’t help but share the juicy truth. They can’t stop themselves from telling the story of the night Jaxon and I tumbled down the tunnel, the evidence of what we had been doing all over our lips.
They shouldn’t know anything about me.
But very few can resist the allure of gossip.
I turn away from them all and make my way down the hall.
I stop in front of the vault.
Jaxon is sitting on the floor with his back propped up against the far wall. His arms are wrapped around his shins, his forehead resting on them.
He’s still engulfed in flames and light, but this is the calmest I’ve seen him since he manifested.
For just a second, hope surges in my chest.
Maybe we are finally reaching the end of this madness.
But his head suddenly snaps up. In his eyes, I see that look of conflict once more.
I watch as his hands grip harder around his legs. His fingers dig deeply into his skin. His jaw clenches tight.
It’s not the reaction I would have hoped for, but it’s something. He isn’t raging like a lunatic or yelling in that terrifying sonic ring. He’s trying to control it, I can tell.
His fingers dig deeper into his skin as he struggles with his instincts.
I realize now that he’s completely naked. Not that anyone can see anything. He’s glowing so bright I can barely make out any details of his body.
But with his manifestation and the literal heat and flames that danced on his body, he burned all of his clothes off weeks ago.
He should be starving to death. He should have died of dehydration more than a week ago.