‘Shall we order?’ asked Susan, summoning a waiter with an imperious click of her fingers, and a boy came over and handed them menus. Shane and Susan decided to share a bottle of wine, and while Nelson would have loved to join them – he felt a strong need for alcohol – he stuck to sparkling water, pointing out that even though he wasn’t on duty yet, he would be in an hour.
‘Do they give you a breathalyser test when you clock in?’ she asked, smiling a little.
‘Yes,’ he said.
‘Really? I was kidding.’
‘Then no.’
She stared at him. ‘They do or they don’t?’ she asked, and Nelson could feel himself starting to blush.
‘They definitely don’t,’ he said. ‘I was only kidding too.’
‘What a pair of kidders!’ said Shane, looking from one to the other hopefully.
‘I’m very funny,’ said Nelson quietly.
‘I have to say, you’re not my brother’s usual type,’ said Susan.
‘Oh no? What’s his usual type?’
‘Cockier, I’d say. Like the cat that got the cream. My brother’s a catch, don’t you think?’
‘He is,’ agreed Nelson. ‘I’m very lucky.’
‘You are.’
‘Well, I am too,’ said Shane.
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said Susan. ‘You could have any man you wanted. Take a look in the mirror.’
‘Susan always sticks up for me,’ said Shane, smiling.
‘I wasn’t aware anyone was putting you down,’ said Nelson.
‘I’m just saying that I hope you know how lucky you are,’ said Susan.
‘I do,’ replied Nelson, feeling the irritation grow inside him. ‘But I hope he feels lucky too.’
‘Why, are you a catch? Because he is.’
‘Yes, you said.’ Nelson swallowed. ‘And I think I am, yes. I’m … you know … nice.’
‘Nice?’ asked Susan, the expression on her face suggesting that she’d just swallowed sour milk. ‘Nice in what way?’
‘Oh, just in a general sort of way,’ said Nelson. ‘I try to be …’
‘Nice?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well,’ she said, narrowing her eyes, ‘I suppose my brother has always liked a man in uniform. When he was fifteen he had a crush on the local curate.’
‘No, I didn’t!’ protested Shane, laughing.
‘You did so. The poor man practically had to take out a restraining order against you. And then there was that doctor you dated. And the air steward. Ryanair,’ she added, turning to Nelson and practically spitting out the word. ‘Not even Aer Lingus.’
‘Well, perhaps it’s a slight fetish on my part,’ admitted Shane. ‘Lifeguards, there’s another.’
‘All they wear is a pair of skimpy red shorts,’ said Nelson.
‘Exactly.’
Susan laughed heartily and put a hand on Shane’s arm, leaving it there much longer than necessary.
‘All my friends had crushes on him when we were growing up,’ she continued. ‘It was such a shame that he batted for the other team. No, not a shame, I don’t mean that. But they were disappointed, shall we say. I wouldn’t have let them near him anyway. I’m very possessive. Honestly, Nelson, if I wasn’t his sister, I’d have gone after him myself.’
‘That’s an odd thing to say,’ said Nelson.
‘Is it? I don’t see why. He’s handsome, funny, he has an amazing body. What more could a woman want?’
‘Someone who doesn’t share her DNA?’
She brushed this away, as if this was scarcely worth considering.
‘Anyway, it’s not all about the uniform,’ said Shane after a moment. ‘It’s what’s underneath that counts.’
‘Oh yes? And does this one’ – she nodded violently in Nelson’s direction – ‘have a lot going on underneath?’
Shane burst out laughing now and Nelson looked from one to the other, wondering what hellish sideshow he’d found himself in.
‘Anyway, we should stop talking about my brother,’ said Susan, laying a peculiar emphasis on the word. ‘I want to know more about you, Nelson. Such a strange name! In Ireland, we blew up Nelson’s Column, you know. Or was it Nelson’s Pillar? I can never remember. How long have you been with the police force?’
‘Three years now,’ he replied, hoping this was the same amount of time that he’d told Shane. ‘I started in the summer of 2018 and I’ve been at it ever since. Policing away. With all my policeman friends.’
‘And do you enjoy it?’
‘The thing about being in law enforcement,’ said Nelson, leaning forward, elbows on the table, growing in confidence now, ‘is that it isn’t so much about enjoying the job as getting a deep sense of fulfilment from it.’
‘Isn’t that basically the same thing?’
‘Not really, no. I don’t enjoy shooting people, for example, but if I were to shoot someone – say, because he was kidnapping a puppy or threatening to set an old woman’s hair on fire – then that would be very fulfilling.’
Susan frowned.
‘But policemen don’t carry guns in the UK, do they?’ she asked. ‘I thought you had to be a specially trained firearms officer for that? That’s how it is on Line of Duty anyway.’
‘You’ve never shot anyone, have you?’ asked Shane, looking at him in alarm.
‘No, I haven’t,’ said Nelson. ‘And you’re quite right, Susan. I can’t actually carry a gun. I was just giving it as a for instance.’
‘It sounded like you were speaking from experience.’
‘No.’
‘So you’re fulfilled but not happy?’
‘Stop interrogating him, Susan,’ said Shane. ‘You do have the right to remain silent, you know.’
They ordered some sandwiches while, beneath the table, Nelson reached out his foot to touch Shane’s leg. For the first time in his life, he felt safe and loved, although he was uncertain whether he could spend a lifetime with this woman as his sister-in-law, and he was starting to regret having shown up to the speed-dating session in uniform. If he’d just arrived in a pair of jeans, a shirt and a sweater, it would have been so much easier. Then there would have been no need for any of this subterfuge. But, he wondered, would Shane have been drawn to him then? It had never occurred to him that they might share a fetish.
‘And what do you do, Susan?’ he asked.
‘Does it matter?’
‘Not really, no. I’m just making conversation.’
‘Well, if you must know, since you’re practically grilling me here, like I’m on trial, I’m a professional footballer.’
Nelson laughed.
‘Is that funny in some way?’
‘Wasn’t that a joke?’
‘You think the idea of me being a professional footballer is a joke?’
Nelson shrugged. ‘Well, yes,’ he admitted. ‘I mean, I’m not a big football fan but I’m pretty sure they’re all men. Cristiano Ronaldo, for example. And … who’s that other one? Gary Lineker.’