‘Goodness!’ said Susan. ‘How exciting!’
‘The French police had a suspicion about who it was, but they hadn’t been able to capture him.’
‘And who was he?’
‘A fellow named John Robie. They called him Le Chat. Which is French for The Cat.’
‘It’s not, is it?’
‘It is, yes.’
‘And John Robie, you say?’
‘That’s right.’
‘Actually, I think I’ve heard of him,’ said Susan, frowning. ‘Perhaps I read about him in the newspapers.’
Nelson looked a little discomfited but carried on.
‘Anyway, the gendarmes caught up with him at his hilltop villa but he climbed out on the roof and gave them the slip. Then he made his way to Calais and across the Channel on a boat to England and settled in London, where he took up his old game, breaking into the Mandarin Oriental and the Ritz and the Savoy and all the rest of them. He caused quite a stir.’
Susan’s eyes narrowed while Shane’s face grew in excitement.
‘Go on,’ he said. ‘Tell her what happened next!’
‘Well, this John Robie fellow got caught up with an American heiress and her mother and he fell in love with the younger woman, and she fell in love with him too, and he insisted that he wasn’t the one responsible for any of the robberies and he’d only come to London to try to clear his name by catching the real villain in the act.’
‘And this is where Nelson came in,’ said Shane.
‘Yes, I was one of those on the case and—’
‘Wouldn’t that be a matter for detectives? Not everyday constables?’
‘They were short-staffed. They asked for me.’
‘Seems odd.’
‘And I started to notice a pattern and realized that John Robie couldn’t possibly have been The Cat because—’
‘Hold on, hold on,’ said Susan, shaking her head. ‘Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this the plot of To Catch a Thief?’
‘What’s that?’ asked Shane.
‘The Hitchcock film. Cary Grant and Grace Kelly.’ She thought about it for a moment, then whipped out her phone once again. ‘It is the plot of To Catch a Thief!’ she said triumphantly, turning the screen to show her brother. ‘Cary Grant plays John Robie, The Cat. Only he doesn’t come to London in the movie. He stays in France. None of this actually happened, did it?’ she asked, looking at Nelson. ‘You’re making it up. What kind of game are you playing here?’
Shane turned to look at Nelson, who wished that the ground would open up and swallow him whole, but before he could say anything in reply, the two men on the opposite side of the room were at it once again, only this time they’d risen from their chairs and were starting to push each other.
‘Good Lord,’ said Susan, looking over. ‘They’re really going for it.’
The waitress marched over, but when she tried to separate them, one of the men pushed her and she fell backwards on to the floor, upsetting a trolley of water jugs and glasses. People jumped up and backed away, afraid of getting involved, and as the young woman pulled herself to her feet, she looked over at Nelson with a pleading expression on her face.
‘Do something!’ she shouted as the men continued brawling.
‘What can I do?’ he asked, uncertain why she was appealing to him. ‘You need to call the police!’
‘You are the police!’
‘Oh yes,’ he said, remembering. ‘Quite right.’
‘Go on, then,’ said Susan, pushing him by the elbow. ‘They’re going to destroy the place.’
Nelson turned to Shane, hoping that he would order him to stay back until help arrived, but his boyfriend looked as if he was terribly excited about what was about to take place.
‘You’d better break it up,’ he said. ‘Do it, Nelson! Go on!’
‘Yes,’ said Nelson. ‘All right, then.’
He stepped forward, feeling a mixture of anxiety and fear in every bone of his body as he approached them.
‘Stop that now,’ he ordered in what he hoped was an authoritative voice. ‘Come on now, gentlemen, that’s enough fighting for today!’
The two men stopped for a moment and stared at him, before returning to their quarrel. The taller of the pair punched the other in the face, sending him crashing over another diner’s shepherd’s pie and into the wall beyond. The shorter man didn’t stay down for long, though, and was back on his feet quickly, ready to fight on.
‘I must insist that you stop,’ protested Nelson, holding out his arms to keep them apart. ‘Perhaps your disagreement could be resolved with a calm conversation.’
‘Fuck off,’ said one of the men, elbowing him in the jaw. Nelson stumbled over and tasted blood from where his lower teeth had collided with the inside of his mouth.
‘This is very bad behaviour,’ he cried. ‘Both of you, stop it now!’
‘Arrest them, Nelson!’ shouted Shane, rubbing his hands together in glee.
‘Oh yes, that’s a good idea. Gentlemen, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to place you both under arrest.’
He pulled a set of handcuffs from the belt around his waist but, the moment he did so, the chain connecting them proved so flimsy that it broke apart in his hands. He noticed a small sticker on the back that said For children’s use only.
‘Oh,’ he said, disappointed.
The fight continued and Nelson considered retreating to his seat, but Shane was looking at him with such excitement on his face that he didn’t want to let him down. There was only one thing for it, he decided, and that was to throw himself into the mêlée, at which point the two men briefly joined forces, picking him up by his arms and legs and tossing him across the room like a Raggedy Ann before continuing with their fight. Nelson lay on the ground as two police officers – real police officers – charged into the restaurant and made their way quickly towards them, pulling the two men apart and subduing them without difficulty, handcuffing them where they lay on the ground. It was all over with such little fuss that even Nelson felt like applauding.
‘You all right?’ asked one, reaching down and offering a hand to Nelson, who stood up and nodded, brushing bits of food from his trousers.
‘What the hell are you wearing?’ asked the other, looking him up and down with a bewildered expression on his face. ‘Is it dressing-up day down your manor or something?’
‘Jesus, Nelson!’ said Shane, rushing forward and throwing his arms around him. ‘I thought they were going to kill you. Thanks, Officers,’ he said, turning to the two policemen. ‘I suppose it’s always easier in pairs. Nelson’s off duty right now, that’s why he’s on his own.’
‘Who’s Nelson?’ asked the first officer.
‘I’m Nelson,’ said Nelson.
‘Off duty from what?’
‘From, you know, from the police,’ said Shane.
The two policemen looked at Nelson, before turning to each other and bursting out laughing.
‘You can’t be serious,’ said one.
‘Of course I’m serious,’ said Shane.