Nelson sat down on the bed and let out a dramatic sigh.
‘This isn’t just a social visit, is it?’ asked Achilles. ‘I feel you want to tell me something.’
‘I do, yes.’
‘Or perhaps you want to ask me for advice?’
Nelson frowned. ‘Why on earth would I ask you for advice?’ he asked. ‘No offence, Achilles, but you’re an idiot.’
‘At least I’m not a virgin.’
‘I’m not either, as it happens,’ said Nelson.
‘Really?’ said Achilles, sitting up now and propping a pair of pillows behind him, his face lighting up at this unexpected development. ‘You finally popped your cherry?’
‘I did,’ said Nelson, blushing a little. ‘It’s quite good fun, isn’t it? Shagging.’
‘Well, yes,’ said Achilles. ‘I mean, you must have heard rumours to that effect.’
‘I’d heard something,’ said Nelson. ‘But it’s even better than I expected. And it turns out I’m quite good at it.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ replied Achilles. ‘I can just about believe that you finally lost it, but that would be going too far.’
‘If I’d known that I’d enjoy it this much, and that I’d be so brilliant at it, I’d have started long ago. Where’s Mother and Father anyway? And Elizabeth? Why is no one else home?’
‘I have no idea. Why, are you planning on telling them the good news too? Please don’t do it until I’m in the room, okay? I want to see their reactions.’
‘Of course not. I just wondered, that’s all. There’s something else I want to tell you.’
‘What is it, are you a secret MI5 agent? Oh wait, you’re not going on Bake Off, are you? That’s just the kind of thing you’d do.’
‘No, it’s nothing like that. I want to prepare you for a shock, though. This will come as a surprise, but I hope that nothing between us will change.’
‘You mean we’ll be as close as ever?’ asked Achilles. ‘You’ll take me to football matches and down the pub for my first pint?’
‘You know, you don’t always have to be so sarcastic,’ said Nelson. ‘You could take a day off from being Achilles.’ He made inverted comma symbols in the air when he said his brother’s name. ‘I’m trying to tell you something important here. And you’re the first family member I’ve told. So a little respect would be nice.’
‘Sorry,’ said Achilles, feeling chastened. ‘Go on, then. I’m all ears.’
Nelson took a deep breath.
‘Circumstances in my life have changed in recent days,’ he announced. ‘Rather unexpectedly, I have taken a lover and—’
‘Please,’ said Achilles, holding up a hand. ‘Do one thing for me. Never, ever refer to anyone as your lover. I can’t handle it. The images it conjures up.’ He shivered. ‘Just say my boyfriend.’
‘Rather unexpectedly,’ repeated Nelson. ‘I have taken a … wait, what? What did you say? What do you mean, my boyfriend? Why would you think I have a boyfriend?’
‘You said you’re getting laid, so what else am I meant to assume?’
‘I just—’
‘Oh, come on, Nelson, just spit it out, whatever it is.’
Nelson swallowed and looked a little confused. ‘Well, the thing is that I was going to tell you that I’ve realized that I am … you know … a gentleman who enjoys the company of other gentleman.’
‘Don’t most gentlemen enjoy the company of other gentlemen?’
‘Yes, but I enjoy it in a more sensual way than most. It is time for me to admit to the world that I am—’
‘Gay,’ said Achilles. ‘And I, for one, am shocked! Shocked, I say! You! A gay! Who would ever have thought it?’
‘You don’t sound surprised.’
‘I’m not. So if that’s your big revelation, I’m sorry, but it’s about as thrilling as an episode of Emmerdale.’
‘Right,’ said Nelson. ‘And you’re okay with it?’
‘Why should I care? Put your pecker where you want. Stick it in a box of Haribo, for all I care.’
Nelson smiled and stood up. He’d hoped for a little more but was willing to take what he could get.
‘What’s his name anyway?’ asked Achilles as he made his way towards the door.
‘Shane.’
‘Do you like him?’
Nelson nodded. ‘I like him a lot.’
Achilles smiled and, to his astonishment, felt tears forming behind his eyes. ‘Fuck me,’ he said. ‘I’m getting all weepy.’
Nelson looked away. He felt a little emotional too.
‘There’s something I need to tell you too,’ said Achilles, ‘but if you ever repeat this to anyone, I’ll deny having ever said it. Understand? I might even sue you for slander.’
Nelson nodded.
‘I love you. Now get out.’
FACEPALM
Returning to his office, George collapsed into his chair in exhaustion and took out his phone, then tapped on the blue Twitter icon. Despite the sacking of Ben Bimbaum and Margaret Roberts, the morning had gone much better than he’d anticipated, and he decided it was time to put this whole unpleasant business to bed once and for all by sharing his relief with the world.
He began to type.
@GeorgeCleverley A great meeting with @LordHusbery this morning who’s confirmed the new series of @CleverleyTV for the autumn. Get well soon, LH! Goes to show that crippled people are just as wise as normal people. Let’s get more cripples on to the boards of our national institutions!
He read it several times, searching for anything that could possibly cause offence, decided there was nothing problematic there, and pressed ‘Tweet’.
TOMMY THE TORTOISE
By the time Achilles met Jeremy again on Thursday evening, he was fully prepared to take his scam to endgame, but he also felt a little thirsty, so allowed the older man to buy him a rum and Coke before being so vulgar as to talk money. Usually, at this point in the con, the mark was growing anxious for something sexual to happen between them, suggesting a trip back to his house or flat, but to Achilles’ surprise, Jeremy seemed only to be growing in confidence, exhibiting far less anxiety than he had in any of their earlier encounters, and had yet to show any interest in an erotic development.
They were sitting in a fairly run-down pub in Chiswick, where Achilles was spinning his latest hard-luck story, which, surprisingly, had a thread of truth running down its centre.
‘I know it was only a tortoise,’ he said. ‘But he was my grandfather’s tortoise, and then my dad’s, and when my dad went inside, I was given the responsibility of looking after him.’
‘That must have helped you maintain a connection with him,’ said Jeremy. ‘A pet that both you and your father loved.’
‘Yes, and because I was only four years old when Dad got sent away, it really helped me a lot.’
‘What exactly did your father do, if you don’t mind my asking?’