We’re not allowed back to see him, which I should’ve expected. I’m just a friend. I wasn’t allowed in with Armen either.
Paisley does most of the talking with the nurses, her demeanor much friendlier than mine. We sit in the waiting room, my knee bouncing nonstop as we wait for some news. Anything.
Saige comes out a little while later. “He’s awake.”
Paisley hugs her. “Thank goodness. Oh good.”
“But he has to go in for surgery.” Paisley leads Saige over to a chair as she keeps talking. “A ligament in his shoulder is damaged, plus he has a concussion, which is why he blacked out. But he knew who he was, who I was. That’s good news, right?” She’s asking Paisley as though she’s a medical doctor.
Paisley nods, but she has no idea. Armen had surgery too.
“They’re taking him into surgery. Internal bleeding,” his mama came out to tell us. I felt her eyes on me, silently asking if we were driving too fast, too reckless, and much like the police, had we been drinking or using.
Armen and I weren’t the best sons in the world. We lived our lives fast, thinking we were invincible. So her assumptions weren’t off base. But this time, we’d been innocent. We’d just been talking about where life would take us. I’d been drafted into the NHL, but Armen hadn’t. He didn’t know if he wanted to come with me to America or not.
He was a better man than me, because he always seemed happy for my success with hockey. I’m not sure I would’ve if our roles had been reversed.
“I’m sure he’s going to come out of this.” My mama led her to a chair, trying to inspire hope in her.
His dad had gone outside to smoke, and Nadiya was slouched in a chair, having been woken by the police knocking on their door.
More of our friends came. Other families filled the waiting room. Food and drinks were brought in, since we knew we’d be there the entire night.
“Maks.” Paisley’s soft voice rings in my ear. “Wake up. Some of the team is here.”
I shake my head. How the hell did I fall asleep with all the adrenaline coursing through my body?
“I’m going to fucking kill Langley next time I see him.” Ford paces the floor. “How much money do you need for me to get back there?”
“Sir, again, you’re not family,” one of the nurses says.
Saige returns to the waiting room. “His parents and sister will be flying down first thing in the morning.” She sits down and brings her nails to her mouth.
“And to think Gerhardt is giving you shit for being an enforcer. You’re out of the game and look what happens,” Ford says to me.
“Exactly. I wasn’t in the game. I fucked up.” I stand and look out the window of the hospital. The rest of the world looks dark and asleep.
“It’s not your fault,” Paisley says.
“Then whose fault is it?” I yell, whipping around with my arms outstretched at my sides.
She steps back, shock on her face.
“I was supposed to be there. To nail Langley before he nailed Aiden. It’s my job, my responsibility, but I got myself thrown out of the fucking game. Gerhardt is right. If I’d been calmer, I would’ve still been in the game, but I’m losing control of everything.”
I push my hands through my hair. Paisley puts her hand on my forearm, but I fling it off.
“I just need to be alone.”
* * *
I grabbed my dad’s cigarettes and went out to the front of the hospital, sat on a bench, and smoked one after the other. I knew internal bleeding was never a good thing, and the surgery was taking forever. I couldn’t control my guilt over my best friend fighting for his life because I’d swerved and lost control. It was all my fault that he was up there, maybe taking his final breath.
“Son.” My dad came out and sat next to me, holding out his hand for the pack of cigarettes. I gave them to him. “This isn’t going to help you once you get to the pros.”
I shrugged. “What if—”
He shook his head. “We don’t think of what-ifs. We wait and see what is.”
My dad was a sensible man. Always had been. He’d pushed, as had Armen’s dad, for us to be the best at hockey. Our dads had played in the men’s league and took hockey to a different extreme. There were no rules. Just as my dad had been a defenseman, so was I. Armen’s dad had been a center, which made it so much harder for Armen to go professional. It’s like shortstop in baseball—everyone wants to be one. Not that Armen wasn't a kick-ass center, but had he been a defenseman, maybe he would’ve made it.
“He could be paralyzed,” I say.
“He could, but we don’t know.” My dad lit his cigarette. “This isn’t your fault. This was an accident.”
I nodded as if I agreed, but we both knew I didn’t.
“Maybe I shouldn’t go to America. Armen will need me here to help him heal.”
We were like brothers. We’d grown up together, fought like brothers, protected one another like brothers. I was already on the fence about leaving him behind since he didn’t know if he’d join me. It just didn’t feel right. I’d come back from America to visit and he’d be playing in the men’s league and working a regular job. I couldn’t stand the thought of us losing touch.
“Armen has plenty of people here. You are leaving.”
In my family, what my dad said went. You didn’t argue. But if Armen was paralyzed, I was staying in Russia. But I would do what my dad asked and wait until we knew what was.
* * *
“You can’t talk to her like that.” Jana comes up to me by the vending machines. I’m not even sure why I’m here when I’m not hungry. “She’s trying to help you.”
“Thanks for the advice.”
She shoves my shoulder. “We get it, okay? You feel responsible, but pushing away the girl you love isn’t going to accomplish anything.”
“Love?” I question with a laugh. “Who ever said I loved her?”
I’m being cruel. I know it. This is what happens when I’m faced with things I can’t control. I get spiteful and mean, and I hate that Paisley’s friend is seeing this side of me. If only I could control it.
“Do you want me to kick your ass right here?” Jana tosses her purse and jacket on the floor as though she plans on doing just that.
“I’d like to see you try.”
“Jana,” Paisley says from the doorway. I have no way of knowing if she heard me or not, but from the look of gloom in her eyes, I’d say she did. “It’s okay. Just leave him be.”
“She’s way too good for an asshole like you.” Jana picks up her purse and jacket off the floor.
Don’t I know it. But they both leave me, Jana putting her arm around Paisley. I’m going to lose her, I just know it. But then again, I never did deserve her.
I watch the two of them walk away and I lean against the wall, letting my back slide down until my ass hits the floor.
* * *
My mama came outside where she found my dad and me still smoking his pack of cigarettes, not saying much to one another. We looked up when we heard her approach and I knew before she even spoke.