No I’m not tired. I should be. For the last week and a half, I’ve been living life in fast forward. I’m running on fumes, but there’s no sense in dwelling on it. I have three days left in Texas before we fly out to Tokyo. Three days left with Raelynn. Since the night I woke her up in her trailer, I’ve been with her every single day. I usually beat her to Dale’s in the morning, or I drive over to her trailer at night. If I could sneak away at lunch to visit her too, I would. I want to be with her whenever I can.
“Hate to break it to you, man, but you’ve got circles under your eyes. You need some cucumbers or some shit. Maybe one of those masks ladies put on that make them look like a serial killer.”
I whip him on the arm with my sweaty towel. He dodges out of the way, but the tail end still gets him and he howls playfully.
He makes a big show about rubbing his arm as he continues nagging me. “So what are you gonna do when we have to leave in a few days? You haven’t made her any promises or nothin’, have you?”
“Promises?”
“Yeah, like you and her really having a future.”
My hackles immediately go up. “Why are you saying it like that? You’re the one who was pushing me to get to know her in the first place.”
“Yeah, get to know her, get out of your funk. Not fall in…”
His voice trails off once he gets a look at my face.
He rears back. “I mean, c’mon, you barely know the girl—”
“I know her enough.”
He snorts. “Right. There’s also the fact that you two live in completely different states? That she hasn’t even seen your real life? Does she even know about fucking Shelby? Jesus. Should I keep coming up with more reasons for why you’re being dumb?”
Out of everything he’s said, I get hung up on the most innocuous. “This is my real life.”
“No, this is the middle of fucking nowhere, Texas. Wait until you get back to Los Angeles. You’ll remember who you are.”
Who I am.
The man I’ve been for the last few months? Depressed? Aimless?
I’m in no hurry to get back to that.
We walk over to get our bags from where we stashed them on the side of the court. Now that practice is done for the day, I want to shower fast and get to Raelynn’s trailer.
“You taking her back to LA then?” Anthony asks.
It’s not an option. Raelynn won’t leave her grandmother. She’s here in Texas to be with her, and I know if I ask her to join me in Los Angeles after the Summer Games, she’ll say no. So I haven’t asked.
It’s been eating away at me though. I’ve been trying to build up the courage to sit her down and get into the big stuff. Everything Anthony’s pointed out. We have so little time together though, stolen hours in the morning and at night. The last thing I want to do is pile more crap on her shoulders. She has enough going on without me making life worse for her. That’s been my explanation all along, but now I wonder if I’ve just been deluding myself into thinking I’ve been acting in Raelynn’s best interest instead of my own. When I see her in those fleeting hours, I want her sweetness, her honest blue eyes staring up at me, the sounds she makes when I touch her, and for that, I’m a selfish bastard.
I reach down to grab my bag, annoyed by the guilt clawing away at me from the inside.
I knew this day would come. I knew I’d have to reckon with my decision to keep Raelynn in the dark about parts of my life.
Anthony nudges me. “Dude…”
“What?” I ask with a hard tone.
I’m annoyed with him. Sure, it’s misplaced anger, but still, it feels good to be mad at someone other than myself. If he’d kept his mouth shut, I wouldn’t be feeling this way right now.
“Ben,” he says again, sounding like he’s seen a ghost.
I finally glance up and notice he’s stopped packing his bag. He’s staring across the court, mouth agape, eyes wide.
“Is that Shelby over there?”
Anthony’s question comes from so far out of left field it takes me an obnoxiously long time to catch on to what he’s just said. Shelby?
Here?
I turn abruptly to see where he’s looking. Sure enough, there she is, standing in the doorway of our training complex, holding one arm across her stomach as a deep frown mars her features.
My heart immediately stops.
What the fuck is Shelby doing here?
I can barely process the sight of her in a loose white button-down shirt, rolled up to her elbows, cropped jeans, and simple flats. Her hair is much shorter than the last time I saw her, and the cut suits her. She looks well, and the petty part of me resents that. She shouldn’t get to look so happy and healthy.
Seeing her here feels like a punch to the gut.
I want to be unbothered, but there’s still a lot of anger simmering deep down.
I hate it. Hate that I haven’t overcome those feelings of betrayal and lost love.
I also fucking hate that she’s pulling a stunt like this, showing up in Texas, at training camp. She has some nerve.
My teammates glance from her to me, and I swear I could hear a pin drop inside the complex now that everyone’s aware of the situation. With a sigh of impatience, I grab my bag and head straight for her, trying and failing to rein in my anger by the time I reach her.
I don’t even stop walking, don’t deign to meet her gaze as I speak. “I don’t know what you’re doing here, but we’re only supposed to communicate through our lawyers.”
“Yeah, I’m aware. Ben—”
She has to turn and race after me.
“I’ll call my assistant and get you on the first flight back to Los Angeles. Whatever you thought you were doing by coming here…it’s not happening.”
“Would you stop for just a second, please?”
I don’t listen to her. I keep walking, out of the complex, past the cars, and toward my cabin. She follows behind me, trying hard to keep up with my long strides.
“Listen, I’m sorry for just showing up like this. I knew if I called first, you wouldn’t give me the time of day.”
I don’t deny her claim.
“Ben, please.”
I barely contain the urge to shout. Who does she think she is? Pulling this after everything? Everything.
We reach the line of trees where the forest starts and I keep going, anxious to put distance between us and the rest of my team. We don’t need an audience for this. I have enough eyes on my life as it is, and I don’t trust every guy to keep his mouth shut. Some of them like the limelight. Some of them would love feeding this story to the press for a nice lump sum.
“Ben, you’re being—”
“Don’t.”
My tone is biting, and she immediately goes silent as she follows behind me, hurrying as much as she can. I’m relieved when my cabin is in sight. I don’t know what will happen when we get there, but it feels like the only option is to continue forward, away from Shelby.
I stomp up the stairs and bang open the door. I don’t invite her in, so she comes to an abrupt halt in the doorway.
I toss my bag and mean for it to land on a chair, but it hits the wall instead. I see her jump in shock and I tense, aware of how nervous she is. Fuck. I’m being an asshole. I take a calming breath, tell myself to get it together. Then I turn, and when I speak, it’s finally with a cool, measured tone.