Frantic, Trina scanned the woods but the smog was thick. “Nuke? Nuke! It’s not what it looks like.” The smoke he’d left behind was slow to dissipate, and it lowered to the ground and hovered in the woods like a thick fog.
She ran a few steps into the woods, searching…searching. “Nuke! It’s not what it looks like!” Her repeated plea echoed through the mountains and bounced back to her ears.
“What does it look like?” he asked, his monotone voice pitching around the woods, echoing, hitting her from different directions.
“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Just…” She shook her head. Think! “Just let me explain.”
“What is Nuke’s real name, and what trailer is he living in? And I want to know everything about Amos, and Divar when he arrives. I need you to spend more time with Ren. Maybe have one of your girl’s nights, and do your girl-talk shit. It doesn’t make any sense that the Crew is still so small. Where are the others? When will they be there?” When will they be there? When will they be there? His voice echoed around and around, filling her mind.
“I didn’t tell him about you. I never said your name. Scroll up! Fuck. Wait, no! I don’t want you to read any of this.”
The phone landed at her feet, and with a gasp, she looked up into the tree branches where it was thrown from. Nuke crouched there, midway up the tree, looking like a predator, his hair hanging in his face, his black eyes filled with rage and something more. Pain?
“There’s someone else here doing this—”
“So it’s not you feeding information to our enemies? This is Manning…right? This is your mate?”
“He’s not my mate!” Tears stung her eyes. “Please, just let me tell you—”
Whoosh. Nuke landed right in front of her so fast, the wind from his movement knocked her back a step. “Save it,” he snarled. “You know what’s worse than betraying me?” He jutted his chin up toward the trailer park. “You betrayed people who are salvageable. In a place they’ve sought sanctuary.” His teeth clenched hard, and the air grew heavy with his rage. “You stole their safety.”
“You don’t understand. My…my…” Say it! Say your sister’s name! But what good was an excuse to a man like Nuke, who had been hurt and lost his entire family to outside forces who wanted them dead? Trina closed her eyes and tears fell to her cheeks. What was the point of telling him she was trading her sister for all of them? He was right. She’d stolen their safety. Telling him about Tory wouldn’t make anything better. She was awful either way.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, forcing the apology past her tightening vocal cords.
“Apologies mean nothing from a liar,” he gritted out.
Her face crumpled as she hung her head. “I didn’t want any of this.”
“Yeah, you did. You can go now.”
Shocked, she jerked her gaze up to him. “You aren’t going to call Krome?”
There was something so deep in his eyes, it gutted her. Sadness, and worse than that. Disappointment. She’d disappointed him and nothing had ever felt worse.
“Go destroy someone else’s trust,” he murmured low. “Just leave us alone. And you can tell Manning I’ll see him real soon.” He backed up a couple steps. “Get your shit out of my trailer and leave.”
“Nuke, I’m sorry.”
“Not forgiven.” He clenched his fists and looked out at the woods, then cast his glance back to her. His eyes were rimmed with moisture. “You’re just like everyone else. I told you I needed to protect them and you were spying on me. Spying on them. Just…fucking go.” His voice cracked on the last word. He hesitated there another second and then disappeared, and the black smoke was back. It was even thicker than before, and took a while for her to be able to see anything. She broke down. That’s what ya did when you were in a hole so deep you couldn’t see any light. You broke down. Breakdowns happened right before the moment you pulled up your big-girl boots, looked skyward again, and tried something new. But when you were in the breakdown? When you were in the dark place? It was hard to see any light. These mountains, and this Crew, and this man felt colossal in some way she couldn’t understand yet. Their loss felt too big for one heart to bear. For the few minutes she’d been able to take her mind off Tory, she’d been happy. It was, perhaps, the only moment in her life she’d truly realized happiness.
She’d understood it, right? Feeling safe, and laughing with abandon, and feeling playful again, and getting butterflies, and being comfortable with another person. Happiness had existed for one blinding minute and now there was nothing but fog. Empty, hollow, echoing fog that didn’t just fill her outside world. It filled her insides too.
This was on her. It was her fault. No one could be blamed but her.
Nuke was right to hate her. She hated herself, too.
She cried herself out at the bottom of that hole she’d dug herself, her knees curled to her chest, face on her forearms. She cried until there was no more moisture in her eyes, and then something happened.
Her phone vibrated beside her.
That sound changed everything. When she looked at the screen, it was Manning again, and the text read, Bitch, answer me.
And something in her soul snapped. Inside of her, the horse dragged a hoof through the dirt and blew breath. Her skin itched to change, and thoughts of Tory swirled in her head.
Manning had taken so much from her.
Tory, Nuke, the Crew…
He’d taken too much. Now it was too much. The loss made the animal bigger, and the winged horse was the bravest part of her. The unfairness made the animal angrier and louder inside of Trina. It made her want to punish Manning instead of obeying him.
She didn’t feel like crying anymore. It was a sudden thing. She felt reckless. She wanted to put a stop to the bleeding in her life. Manning was the blade that had been keeping her open.
She wiped her damp cheeks with the back of her hand and sniffed, then reached for the phone and typed, I’m coming home. I’ll tell you everything.
It was a lie. She wouldn’t tell him anything. The animal was begging to get out. Not yet. Not quite yet. She was one, and Manning had been rebuilding his Murder after the war with this Crew. He had numbers, and she wouldn’t make it out of this alive. She couldn’t. But Tory would. She was going to make sure of it.
What use was her life if she just had to hurt people at the will of another? Nuke’s disappointed face flashed through her mind, and the horse reared inside of her. She didn’t want to be a pawn anymore. She didn’t want to do this anymore. Any of it.
She didn’t know how she would do it, but she was going to trade Tory’s life for hers. She could go easier if she knew her sister was okay.
No more breakdown. She was going to try something new now.
Good. See you soon, Manning responded.
Numbly, she got into her car, turned it around and made her way back to the trailer she knew Nuke wouldn’t be in. He’d already left her. Amos said hi and waved to her from his porch, but she ignored him. She was a rat. She was a spy. Trina pushed open the door, but something caught her attention. It was Tommy. He was leaning against a tree on the edge of the clearing, just watching her. His too-bright eyes were narrowed.