“Because we’ve been sneaking around like a couple of teenagers. We knew we were doing something we shouldn’t, and we were getting off on it.”
“Was that all it was to you?” Please say no, God, please say no or I might crack in two.
Thane glowered fiercely. “It was that for us both. You’re just confused.”
As a horrible despair fell over me, my rage so consuming, I couldn’t even yell anymore. I could barely get the words out as I sneered, “You condescending bastard.”
Ignoring his flinch, I shoved him aside and marched out. I felt brittle. Like I might shatter at the slightest touch. Mom made to move to me, to talk to me, and I put a hand up between us. “Get that woman away from me, or so help me God.”
She sobbed like she was the victim, but I couldn’t acknowledge her. I only had eyes for my sister, who took one look at me and her face hardened with anger.
“I need to get out of here,” I whispered hoarsely. “Before I lose it in front of everyone.”
My sister didn’t say a word. She exchanged a look with Lachlan, put her arm around me, and hurried us to the laundry room where we put on our coats and boots. The next thing I knew, we were in her SUV. As soon as it drove away from the house, I burst into sobs so hard, they wracked my whole body.
Not long later, Robyn pulled off to the side of the road and reached for me. She cradled my head on her lap like she used to when we were little and stroked my hair as I cried through the pain of my heart crumbling into pieces.
I didn’t know how much time passed before the passenger door to the car opened.
“Baby girl.” I heard my dad’s gruff voice.
Blinking through my tears, I saw Dad sliding into the passenger seat with me. I had to move my legs to let him in.
“Come here, dahlin’.”
I pulled out of Robyn’s hold and found myself enveloped in my dad’s embrace. In that moment, I didn’t feel like the grown-up woman I’d argued I was. But I didn’t care. My dad was the safest place in the world right then. And Robbie who tenderly stroked my back. Two of my favorite people in the world were with me, and there was comfort in that.
I realized then that I wasn’t only crying because Thane didn’t love me; I was crying because of that awful scene my mom had thought was okay to cause. The hurtful words she’d said. The way she always tried to make me feel small.
As if reading my mind, Dad spoke. “Your mom doesn’t mean a word she says. It comes from one place: fear. She thinks she’s going to lose both her daughters to Scotland, and she’ll say and do anything to stop it.”
“So she doesn’t care if she hurts me?” I whispered.
“Of course, she does. She just … everything always comes out backward with Stacey. No one will kick her ass more than her in the morning. You know your mom just speaks before she thinks.”
“Well … she’s getting her way. I’m not staying.” I cried again at the thought of the days, weeks, months, and goddamn devastating years ahead of me without Thane, Eilidh, and Lewis.
I’d been living in a dreamworld for the past few months.
Playing house.
Playing stepmom more than nanny, and we all knew it.
And Thane … was he really just getting off on fucking around with me, or was he just scared because of Fran?
Either way, I was a fool.
Just like Mom thought I was.
“You really love him, don’t you? Him and the kids.”
My only answer was to cry harder. I didn’t know how to stop. I was frustrated with my reaction, that I couldn’t be stronger like Robyn, but I couldn’t make the tears stop. Or the pain in my chest or the knot in my gut that tightened so hard, it ached.
Dad kissed my head. “Then don’t give up, baby girl. As much as I will miss the hell out of you, it is my job to make sure you’re happy. And until tonight, I have never seen you as happy as you have been these past few months.”
“He doesn’t feel that way about me.” Did he?
“Or he’s just afraid to take the risk.”
I lifted my head, wondering what Dad could mean considering he didn’t know about Fran.
At my questioning look, Dad sighed. “You’re only halfway to thirty, but that man is closer to forty. His children are his life, and he’s settled down in a way he’s never unsettling. He knows he doesn’t have time to go gallivanting around the world with you or take you to nightclubs or fancy restaurants every weekend. That’s not his life.”
Indignation stiffened my spine. “When have I ever said I wanted that? I don’t want that! It’s empty. And the so-called friends from that life? Where are they, Dad? I don’t have any. Other than you and Mom—when she’s not being a selfish psycho—I had nothing real in Boston. I have Robyn here. And him … I … nothing is more real than him and Eilidh and Lewis. From almost the beginning, we clicked into place, like we’d been a family forever.”
Robyn’s hand pressed deeper into my back at my confession.
“Then stay,” Dad said, even though I knew it cost him. “Stay and fight for them.”
Worry niggled me. “I don’t want to harass him.”
“You don’t need to. You just need to show him you’re not going anywhere.”
34
Regan
The longing to wallow was real.
Yet I wanted to prove, not just to everyone else but to myself, that I could handle fear and grief without running away like I had in the past. I knew Robyn wanted me to talk to a professional about why I always ran, and maybe I would in the future, but for now, I wanted to try on my own. It wasn’t easy. I fought the urge to pack my bags and run almost every hour of the day. Alone in one of Lachlan and Robyn’s guest rooms, I’d bury my face in a pillow and cry all the tears I couldn’t cry throughout the day.
In the harsh cast of daylight, I held it together as best I could. My sister’s house had probably never been cleaner. I knew she worried I was bottling shit up, but really, I was just protecting myself from falling apart in front of my mother.
There was no way to salvage Christmas dinner. I felt awful ruining it for Eilidh and Lewis. Robyn assured me it was all right, that Arrochar would make it up for them the next day. In the UK, they celebrated Boxing Day the day after Christmas, and it involved another big family meal. They hosted it at Thane’s, and for Eilidh and Lewis, I insisted Robyn and Lachlan be there. Brodan was leaving the day after, and I wanted him to have uninterrupted time with his family too.
Mom, Dad, and I stayed put.
And I hid in my room.
Robyn said they’d tell Eils and Lew that I was sick and they’d see me later. I’d hoped that was true, that I could convince Thane to let me continue as their nanny.
However, when I texted him to meet me the day after Boxing Day at the annex, I was floored by his coldness. As soon as he walked into the small apartment, memories rushed over me of the past few months. Of our passionate nights here. Of the dreams I’d spun in my head of making a life with him.
My heart throbbed so hard in my chest, I was nauseated.
And he stood about three feet away, his arms crossed over his chest, staring at me like I was a stranger.