Before I could speak, he announced, “I need to make this quick because we’re seeing Brodan off at the airport … I’m letting you go, Regan. I’ll pay you for January for the inconvenience of an abrupt termination, but I think this is for the best. You’re leaving soon, anyway, and your presence in Eilidh’s and Lewis’s lives has become confusing for them.”
Thane sounded so emotionless. Like it meant nothing to him to cut me out.
Was my dad wrong? Would I be humiliating myself if I stuck around to prove something to this man?
Suddenly angry at him, I stared incredulously. “What have I done to deserve you treating me with such contempt?”
His stoic expression faltered, and his tone softened a little. “It’s not contempt. You have done nothing. I’m just doing what’s best for my kids.”
“By taking me away from them?”
Indignation flashed in his eyes. “You’ll be gone, eventually. The longer we let this go on between us, the worse it will get.”
“I’m going to be in their lives. My sister is marrying your brother,” I reminded him.
“They’ll see you once or twice a year when you visit. By then, they’ll have—” He cut off abruptly.
Fighting back tears, I couldn’t look at him. “Forgotten me.”
“Regan …” he sighed heavily, and I felt like an inconvenient child he was forced to deal with. “I am sorry it turned out this way.”
Tightness crawled across my chest, like a stone creature sat atop it. The thought of not seeing him, not touching him, never being in his arms again was unbearable. And the thought of not being there for Eilidh and Lewis as they grew up killed me. I wanted to witness them become the amazing adults I knew they’d be. To send them off to high school, watch them go on their first dates, cry my heart out after dropping them off at college, and spend every Christmas I had left on this planet with them because they were my family.
And it was like a death. The destruction of that dream felt like someone I loved had died.
I guessed I hadn’t realized until that moment just how much I’d been hoping our affair would turn into something more, something permanent.
All the while Thane stared at me, veering between dispassionate and pitying.
I didn’t know if it was an act to protect himself.
I didn’t know what was real anymore.
“I’ll give you time to say goodbye to them. Just let me know when you want to do that.”
Never.
I never wanted to say goodbye.
Not to them.
Thane was a different story. I wanted to fight for him, but he didn’t believe in me. As much as I wanted to ignore that, I’d come too far. How would I ever continue to believe in myself if I continued to love someone who didn’t believe in me? Where would my pride and self-respect be then?
Devastated, I couldn’t say another word.
Thane took hold of my arm as I strode past him, halting me. Staring at the floor, I resisted the urge to melt into his touch. Almost as if he’d read my mind, he said hoarsely, “You are a very special woman, mo leannan. Never forget it.”
Then why don’t you want me?
I met his gaze. I’d finally asked Arrochar what mo leannan meant. And I wasn’t his darling, his love, or his sweetheart. I was nothing to him. “Don’t call me that.” I wrenched my arm out of his grip and marched out of the annex before I burst into tears.
Robyn and Lachlan moved my stuff into their place.
A few days before New Year’s Eve, Mom and Dad returned to Boston. They were supposed to stay and attend Hogmanay—the Scottish term for New Year’s celebrations—at Ardnoch Castle. It was a big deal that they were invited since only the Adair family could attend outside of the club members. But between Robyn and me giving her the cold shoulder, Mom wasn’t exactly feeling welcome, and Dad decided they should go home early. That broke my heart, too, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I partially blamed her for losing Thane, and that resentment wasn’t going away anytime soon.
I was in my room, reading, preparing to go downstairs and say goodbye to my parents when a knock sounded at the door. “Come in,” I called, thinking it was Robbie or Dad since they were the only two who had ventured in to see me over the past few days.
The door opened, and I looked up from my spot on the chaise by the window to find my mom gazing forlornly at me. She was dressed in loungewear, something she only dared wear when she was flying. Otherwise, I got my love of pretty dresses from her, as well as my love of reading. An overwhelming sadness settled over me.
I hated that I resented her.
Without asking, Mom crossed the room and sat down on the end of the chaise. I swung my legs off and sat up, shutting down my e-reader. We sat in silence for a moment, me staring at the floor, she at me.
“I always seem to be apologizing to my kids lately.” She heaved a weary sigh.
Maybe don’t do shit you need to apologize for.
Mom continued, “I don’t know why I do the things I do. Your father likes to psychoanalyze me. Should have been a psychologist, not a detective.”
One goes hand in hand with the other.
Mom huffed. “Are you ever going to speak to me again?”
I looked at her. “Are you going to apologize for real?”
Recognizing her expression, the one that said she wanted to reprimand me, I smirked. Mom was so hardheaded, it would be funny if it wasn’t so self-destructive.
“I’m sorry,” she said, surprising me.
That ache in my chest grew. “Really?”
“Yes. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel like a failure. I didn’t mean to do that. Now, I won’t say that I agree with what you’ve done here. I just won’t. But I will say that I have to remember it isn’t my place to judge those decisions. You’re a grown-up now, and I have to respect that.”
“That’s your apology?”
“Yes.” Mom reached for my hand. “Regan, I blew it out of proportion, and I messed up. I ruined dinner for everyone, and I’m mortified. Your dad is right. That fight was about more than your affair with Thane. It was about losing you to this place.” She squeezed my hand. “Robbie was always so independent, from the moment she could walk. And she was …” Sadness saturated Mom’s features. “She was Mac’s little clone. Adored him. When he was around, I couldn’t get a look in. So I knew”—she gave me a wobbly smile—“I knew from when she was a little girl that she’d never be my little girl. She’d go off and do her own thing, and I would see her when I saw her. I tried to push her on you too much, hoping your bond would keep her close to us all.”
“Mom.” I tightened my grip on her hand, not realizing that had been her perspective on Robyn. “Robbie loves you.”
“Yeah, I know. But I thought with you, you were all ours. Mine and your dad’s. And I was determined you would be ours forever. That you wouldn’t be like Robbie and disappear on us.” She laughed bitterly. “I guess I pushed you away, anyway, trying to keep you too close. Trying to coddle you, make you think you needed me.”
Her sudden self-awareness shocked me.
Or maybe Dad’s psychoanalyzing had finally sunk in.