‘I take it you’re still planning a church wedding?’
She nodded. ‘Definitely…’
Sarah chatted away about her initial plans. She hadn’t let the lack of venue or date hold her back from working on the details. She’d known for years what she wanted if the day ever came so it wasn’t like she was starting with a blank canvas. I nodded, smiled and laughed in all the right places. I asked questions. I gushed. I drew on all my acting skills to play the role of excited bridesmaid, pushing aside the idea that I could well be attending Sarah’s wedding without my husband.
‘So, what do you think I should do?’ Sarah asked.
I stared at her, cursing myself for tuning out at the moment she’d asked for my opinion on something. ‘Sorry, Sarah, I blanked then. Can you repeat that?’
She smiled. ‘My fault. I’ve gone on a bit tonight. I’m just so excited. Have I exhausted you?’
‘I am a bit drained, but I promise I’m interested. What did you ask me?’
‘I was talking about the top table. Normally the chief bridesmaid would sit on the top table, but as all three of you are equal, I can’t do that. Should I have no bridesmaids on there or all three of you? And, if it’s all three, do I include partners? Would that make it too many people? Clare’s unlikely to have a guest, but you and Callie are both married so that’s five of you. Is that too much? I could put Gary and Rhys on a friends’ table, but I know that Gary isn’t very comfortable around strangers so…’
‘He probably won’t be there so I wouldn’t worry about it.’ The words tumbled out before I could stop them.
Sarah frowned. ‘What do you mean? Why wouldn’t he be there?’
I traced a scratch on the table with my forefinger, unable to bring myself to look her in the eyes.
‘Elise…?’
‘Gary might be gay,’ I muttered. ‘Our marriage might be over.’
‘What?’
I looked up and tears filled my eyes as I repeated the words.
‘Gay? Gary? I don’t understand.’
‘That makes two of us. Actually, three of us because apparently Gary doesn’t understand either.’ A tear trickled down my cheek and splashed onto the table. ‘Sorry, Sarah, I wasn’t going to say anything, but it just came out. I don’t want to stifle your excitement.’
Sarah reached across the table and took hold of my hand. ‘Sod the wedding. This is far more important. What’s happened?’
She listened intently as I told her about my discovery on Saturday night, reminded her of the rumour from college and outlined the brief conversations we’d had during the past few days which hadn’t moved anything forward.
‘Do you believe him when he says he doesn’t know how he feels about things?’
I shrugged. ‘That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? I want to believe him, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s been lying to me all along. What if Curtis was right at college? What if Gary was attracted to men back then? I’m the one who said, “I love you” first. I’m the one who pushed for sex. I’m the one who suggested we get engaged to save Gary from being centre of attention when that rumour started. If he was battling with his sexuality back then, I gave him the easy way out by constantly pushing our relationship to the next level. Except it probably wasn’t the easy way out for him because he might have been fighting who he really is for years. We’d be celebrating twelve years of marriage in August and sixteen years as a couple. Has he been lying to me – and to himself – for that long? How does someone find the strength to do that?’
Sarah sighed. ‘I don’t know. Maybe he hasn’t been lying. The Curtis thing could have just been a coincidence. Maybe an attraction to men is a recent thing that’s developed as Gary’s got older.’ I could tell by her glum expression that she didn’t believe her own words.
‘You develop a taste for olives, red wine or Radio Four as you get older. You don’t suddenly develop a taste for same-sex relationships. Curtis said a lot of research indicates you’re born with your sexuality – it’s not something you become – and I’m inclined to agree with him which means…’
‘Which means Gary has always been gay and fighting it,’ Sarah finished when I tailed off. ‘But how do you do that for nearly two decades? And why? It’s not the fifties. We were born into liberal times.’
‘I know.’
‘So, what happens next?’
‘I need Gary to be honest with me. Perhaps for the first time in his life. I don’t think I’m going to like what he has to say, but we can’t continue like this, pretending nothing’s happened.’
‘What if he says Rob was a one-off, he loves you, and it will never happen again?’
I traced the scratch with my fingertip again. ‘Then he and I should swap jobs because clearly he’s a better actor than me.’
7
I didn’t get an opportunity to talk to Gary. After Sarah’s visit on the Wednesday night, I felt drained so I crawled into bed shortly after nine and didn’t hear him arrive home. We’d always been like passing ships during the getting-ready-for-work routine and this was even more the case with him moving into the spare room.
I had rehearsals for the school summer play on the Thursday night and, within minutes of me walking through the door, Gary went out for drinks to celebrate Dean’s birthday. I was going out for a colleague’s fortieth birthday on the Friday night and had hoped to speak to Gary before leaving the house, but he called to say that the builders had drilled into a water pipe and he was stuck at work waiting for an emergency plumber.
Setting my alarm early on Saturday morning, I hoped to finally catch him before he went to the surgery, but I must have slept through it because I awoke shortly after nine to find he’d already left.
It felt like my life was on hold. I needed answers before I could make any decisions. My thoughts on the future changed with each passing hour. One moment, I’d be convinced that it was a one-off mistake that we could get past because we were soulmates. The next moment, I’d be convinced that he was gay, always had been, had never loved me, and that our sham of a marriage was over.
Tension made my body ache and a shower did nothing to ease it. A bath might have helped, but that meant going into the scene of the crime and I’d been avoiding it ever since.
I tried to mark some year eleven poetry homework but found myself reading the same line over and over again. Action was needed.
✉︎ To Gary
I can’t live like this. We need to talk. I’m with Jess for the dress fitting at 2pm so should be back by 3.30 at the latest. How soon can you be home?
✉︎ From Gary
I’ll try for 5.30, but it’s more likely to be 6pm. Sorry, but I’ve got stacks to do
✉︎ To Gary
If there’s any chance of getting away earlier, please try. This is really important
✉︎ From Gary
I know, but there’s no way it’ll be earlier than 5.30. Hope the fitting goes well