‘Are you fully recovered now?’ Jess hugged me outside Bay Brides that afternoon.
‘Still a bit tired, but fine.’ I hated keeping secrets from my family, but I still couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone else. Sarah had been amazing, but I felt that she had to be judging me for not kicking Gary out after catching him being unfaithful in our own home. To be fair, that was more my own paranoia than anything she’d said or done. Surely throwing him out would be the normal thing to do in these circumstances so why hadn’t I done that? I knew the answer, though: I couldn’t bear the thought of life without him. He was my husband and I loved him. I knew that if I told Jess, she’d definitely challenge me on it. She was a little more forthright than I was and I wasn’t in the right place to cope with a pep talk.
‘Are Izzy and Megan still coming?’ I asked.
‘Yes.’ She glanced up Victoria Lane. ‘Ah! There they are.’ Jess waved then giggled as Megan dropped hold of her mum’s hand and sprinted towards Jess, arms outstretched.
‘Auntie Jess!’ she cried.
Jess bent down, wrapped her arms around the little girl, and cuddled her tightly. ‘I’d pick you up and give you a spin, but I can’t lift you today.’ She stood up and grinned at Izzy before turning back to Megan. ‘Did your mummy tell you I’ve got two babies growing in my tummy?’
Megan nodded and giggled. ‘I want a baby brother. Can I have one of your babies?’
Jess laughed and took Megan’s hand while she twirled in a circle, her dark curls bouncing and her skirt fanning out like a dancer’s. ‘I can’t give you one, but I promise you can play with them lots. Would you like that?’
Megan stopped twirling, nodded, then turned to me. She cocked her head onto one side as she looked me up and down.
‘Hi, Megan,’ I said. ‘You won’t remember me. You were a baby last time I saw you.’
‘I’m a big girl now,’ she said.
‘I can see that.’
She crossed her arms and frowned. ‘You look like Auntie Jess, but bigger. Do you have two babies growing in your tummy too?’
‘No… er… I…’ The words stuck in my throat and I just stared at her, my heart racing. How had it not entered my head until now? If it was over with Gary – and how could it not be after what he’d done – so were my dreams of being a mum. Shit! No husband. No family.
Jess took hold of Megan’s hand and shot me a confused look before focusing on the little girl again. ‘Are you ready to try on your gorgeous dress that will make you look like a princess?’ she asked.
‘Yes!’ Megan bounced up and down then followed Jess into the shop.
Deep breath. Controlled breathing. You can do this.
Somehow I managed to hold it together. Funnily enough, it was mainly thanks to Megan. She was a bundle of energy and a source of continuous questions so it was difficult to focus on anything but her. Fortunately, there were no more questions about babies.
As we stepped out of the shop into the sunshine and waved goodbye to Megan and Izzy, Jess turned to me and screwed up her face. ‘Are you okay? You’ve been a bit spaced this afternoon.’
‘Have I? Sorry. Still tired from that sick bug.’
‘Are you sure that’s all? You acted very strangely before we went in when Megan asked you about babies.’
I chewed my lip. I wasn’t going to get away with evading it completely. ‘It’s something and nothing. I thought Gary and I would be ready to try for a family soon, but he’s not quite ready. We had an argument about it last week.’
‘Oh no! Are things okay between you now?’
I smiled and hoped it looked sincere. ‘We’re working on it.’
Jess looked as though she was going to interrogate me, but we were saved by her mobile ringing. ‘Sorry,’ she said, fishing it out of her bag. ‘Hi you… Crap! Is it?’ She glanced at her watch and pulled a face. ‘Sorry, I hadn’t realised. We’re finished now… yeah… yeah… okay… see you shortly. Love you.’ She dropped her mobile back into her bag. ‘Sorry, I’ve got to dash. Lee needs the car.’ She gave me a quick hug. ‘Call me if you want to talk.’
I shook my head. ‘As I said, it’s something and nothing. Off you go. I’ll see you soon.’
I started back towards the multi-storey car park then changed my mind. I had a couple of hours before Gary was home so a bit of fresh air might be in order to clear my head and plan what I wanted to achieve from our talk.
Ten minutes later, I kicked off my flip-flops, turned the waistband of my long white flared skirt over a few times to stop it trailing in the water, and paddled along the shoreline in South Bay. I was planning to continue over the swing bridge to the caves at Lighthouse Cove – my thinking place. I hadn’t been able to think about much when I’d parked near there on Saturday night, but now I was definitely ready.
But as I made my way up the sand, I realised that the beach on a sunny Saturday in mid-June was not the place to be. Everywhere I looked there were children: clambering over the rocks, paddling in the rock pools, fishing with brightly coloured nets, splashing water or chasing each other around, squealing. It was an image of the perfect family life. The life that I’d been expecting. The life that my husband had just ruined. Then it hit me. The reason why Gary had been putting off starting a family wasn’t because of my promotion, the surgery expansion, or the desire to become financially secure; it was because he wasn’t certain he could commit to staying with me. What if he’d been struggling more and more with each passing year to quash his attraction to men and he knew he’d eventually lose his internal battle? What if he’d been planning to leave me all along and he hadn’t wanted the added complication of children to stop him? How could I have been so blind?
I couldn’t stay there, surrounded by kids, without dissolving into tears. Lighthouse Cove, with its caves and rock pools, was as much a magnet to families as the main beach so no good either. Turning round, I marched across the sand in a diagonal line towards where I’d joined the beach, dodging sandcastles, sunbathers, and games of cricket.
With my head down, I willed myself not to think, not to cry, not to do anything but focus on getting out of there. Fast. I didn’t see the Frisbee coming towards me – or the large man diving for it – until it was far too late.
Sprawled out on the sand, I gasped for breath. Talk about being winded! Ouch. I tried to scramble to my feet but collapsed again when a sharp pain seared through my left ankle.
‘Oh my God! Elise! I’m so sorry.’
I looked up, squinting. ‘Stevie?’
‘I didn’t see you. I dived for the Frisbee and you came out of nowhere. I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’
‘I might have twisted my ankle.’ I winced as I tried to move again.
‘Gary! Help!’ he called.
My stomach lurched. He was with Gary? But Gary had said there was no way he could leave early, the lying little… And if Gary was with Stevie, that surely meant… Stevie moved to the side and Gary loomed into view and… yes, there he was, right behind my husband. Rob. The homewrecker. The husband-stealer. Shit! Shit! Shit!