‘You may have a point.’ She picked up her mug of tea and took a slurp. ‘So what happened to you on Saturday night? Stevie said you were tired and had gone for a lie down, but I didn’t see you again.’
‘I managed to fall asleep and not wake again till morning. I’m so sorry, but I missed everything after your first dance.’
‘No! Nightmare. You must have been exhausted to sleep right through.’
‘I was. But there’s a reason why I was exhausted.’ I took a deep breath. ‘I’m pregnant.’
Sarah’s eyes widened. ‘Oh my God! Who? Where? When? How? Actually, scrap the last one. I know how. But … oh my God! I need details!’
‘Who? Daniel. He knows, but he’s not interested which is fine by me. Where? On the beach at Lighthouse Cove.’
The smile slipped from Sarah’s face. ‘On the beach? But that happened in the summer, which would mean you’re—’
‘Five months pregnant and a rubbish friend for not telling you sooner. I’m sorry. With the twins being born and you getting married, there never seemed to be a good time to share the news.’
She grabbed my arm and gasped. ‘Your family don’t know? You’ve gone through more than half your pregnancy on your own?’
I squirmed. ‘A few people knew. Mainly by accident.’
She let go of my arm and twiddled with one of her curls. ‘Oh my God! Clare knows, doesn’t she? That’s the secret you’ve been sharing.’
As I curled up under my duvet that night, I couldn’t stop picturing the hurt expression in Sarah’s eyes as I told her about Clare finding out and how she’d joined me for my scan. With Kay’s warning that secrets had a way of surfacing heavy on my mind – especially with it being the same warning I’d given to Gary about confessing his sexuality to his mother – I’d told her everything about who knew, how, and what they’d done with that information.
She’d cried. She’d actually cried. She thought she’d failed me as a friend if I felt I couldn’t open up to her about something so important. I’d then jumped to defensive mode and reminded her of her reaction to Callie’s pregnancy announcement. We argued. We cried. We argued some more. I’d never argued with Sarah, even as kids. It was hideous.
‘It’s been a heck of a year for both of us, hasn’t it?’ Sarah had said, hugging her teddy bear, Mr Pink. She wiped tears from her cheeks. ‘I don’t want it to end with me losing my best friend.’
‘I don’t either. I really am sorry. I wish I could turn back the clock, but I can’t. I thought I was protecting you, but I think I was really protecting me.’
We talked some more then I helped her pack before driving back to Seashell Cottage. Peace was restored, forgiveness was granted, but damage was done. I prayed that Sarah would have such an amazing honeymoon that things would be back to normal when she returned. I’d certainly make every effort to include her in my pregnancy and my life in general to try to repair the damage I’d caused. No more secrets.
Then it hit me. I’d not mentioned my feelings for Stevie. Another secret. Even worse, it was another secret that Clare knew.
39
Christmas Eve arrived and, with it, my next scan. I was nearly twenty-two weeks gone by then but had wanted to wait for the school holidays before I booked it. Once again, Clare was in the waiting room.
‘I thought you couldn’t come.’ I hugged her.
‘I managed to move a couple of things around. I wanted to be here. As I said before, I don’t think anyone should go through this alone.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Will you find out what you’re having?’
‘A baby, I hope. Or I’m in big trouble.’
‘Ha ha.’ Clare stuck her tongue out. ‘You know what I mean.’
‘I wasn’t going to. The gender of your baby can be one of life’s few genuine surprises if you let it be, but I’m far too practical for that. I want to know what colour to decorate the nursery and what clothes to buy because, as a single mum, I’m not going to have time to think about stuff like that once bean arrives.’
‘I know it’s a stupid question, but it’s the question you have to ask all expectant mums…?’
I smiled. ‘I honestly don’t mind, but I have this very strong feeling that it’s a girl.’
‘It’s a girl,’ the sonographer confirmed ten minutes later.
Clare grinned at me. ‘You were right.’
‘She’s lying in a really clear position so I’d say there’s very little doubt.’ The sonographer pointed to the screen. My baby girl.
‘Thought of a name?’ Clare asked.
‘Not yet. I’ve always liked Hannah, but our Jess beat me to it. It’s only Emily’s middle name, but it wouldn’t feel right. I suppose one of the benefits of being a single mum is that I get to pick the name. No compromises needed there.’
We walked to the car park together fifteen minutes later. ‘Have you been in touch with Stevie since you ran out on him?’ Clare asked.
‘I didn’t run out on him. I got spooked so I went to my room to think about whether I was brave enough to give him a sign, like you said, just in case he rejected me.’
‘He wouldn’t have rejected you.’
‘How do you know?’
‘I just know.’
‘How?’
‘A wee leprechaun told me.’ Her eyes twinkled with mischief.
I gave her a playful shove. ‘I give up trying to get any sense out of you. If Stevie and I are meant to be, it will happen despite me messing up on Saturday. Destiny will prevail.’
‘I want to say bollocks to that, but I think, on this occasion, you might be right.’
I sat in Bertie five minutes later, looking at the new scan photo. ‘Could she be right?’ I whispered. ‘I hope so, but no time to dwell on it right now. Your mummy has a mountain of Christmas presents to wrap for your cousins so I’d better get home and get cracking.’
Later that evening, I wrote a text for Stevie:
✉︎ To Stevie
Quick text to say I’m so sorry for not making it back downstairs on Saturday night. I meant to, but pregnancy fatigue must have got to me and I fell asleep. I’m really sorry we didn’t get to finish our dance. I was really enjoying it. Maybe another time? Hope you have a great Christmas Day tomorrow xxx
I re-read it. It wasn’t blatant, but it was definitely a suggestion. Let’s see if he responds. Send. I turned the light off and drifted into sleep.
I drove to Jess’s house the next morning armed with bags of gifts. I’d gone a little overboard on the twins, but it had been so exciting buying for them while knowing that I had their cousin growing inside me. Their female cousin. I’m having a girl! I’m having a girl! And today was the day I’d tell my family. At long last.
As soon as I walked through the door and saw the ‘Happy First Christmas’ banners everywhere, I canned my plans. Damn! Why was it never the right time?