So we were no longer sleeping together, but I often had sex dreams about him that woke me up at night. They were intense and always seemed so real. In one of them, though, I’d had the clear realization that the man making love to me wasn’t mine. He was someone else’s future husband, someone else’s future. I woke up in a sweat, tortured by the emotions the dream had evoked.
But here’s the thing. As much as I’d convinced myself that stopping sex was for the better, I couldn’t say it made me feel any less attached to him. You can physically separate two people, but if all they want is to be together, in some ways the effort to keep away from each other only strengthens the non-physical connection. If anything, I loved him more, wanted him more. The longing was more powerful than sex could ever be.
As I dried myself off, a text notification snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked down at my phone.
Leo: We need to talk. Should I come there?
That didn’t sound right.
Felicity: Mrs. Angelini has a friend over. I can come to you. Is everything okay?
Leo: I’ll explain when you get here.
With an unsettled feeling in my stomach, I got dressed as swiftly as possible and drove faster than I should’ve to Leo’s house.
When he opened the door, his face was solemn.
I stepped inside. “What’s wrong?”
“My mother just called. My father contracted a bad infection during his latest treatment, and she’s worried something may happen to him. I have to leave, Felicity. I booked a flight for tomorrow evening because that was the soonest I could get. I have no choice.”
I clutched my chest as if to stop my heart from leaping out of it. He’d only had a week left anyway, but that didn’t make this any less jarring.
“Of course, you don’t have a choice. You have to go.”
“This is killing me,” he said. “We were supposed to cherish the last week together. I’m not in any way ready to leave you.”
“Where’s Sig?” I didn’t know what else to say.
“He’s packing up some of our things.”
“What can I do to help?”
His eyes looked hollow. “Tell me this is a nightmare so I can wake up from it.”
Trying hard to remain calm, I knew I needed to forge through this. That approach would be best for both of us. “Do you need me to take Ludicrous?”
Leo had been trying for the past month with no luck to secure a permanent placement for the pony. It wasn’t looking good.
“I heard from a farm this morning that seemed interested. It’s this place that offers therapeutic rides for children with special needs. I asked if I could drop him off tomorrow morning, and they were going to get back to me. It sounded promising, but if they can’t take him, I’ll let you know.”
“That’s no problem. I can figure something out.”
“You shouldn’t have to.” Leo turned toward the window, seeming dazed.
With each second that passed, my heart broke a little more. Instead of shutting down this time, I pulled him close. “Leo, it’s okay. It will be okay.”
He buried his head in my chest, and we stood holding each other.
When Sig walked into the room, it barely registered. He didn’t say anything, which was unlike him, but I was grateful.
Leo spoke into my neck. “I know you didn’t want a long, painful goodbye, but I feel like I’m getting ripped away from you, and that’s no better.”
“You do what you need to, Leo. Your father needs you. We were about to be in this place anyway. It wouldn’t have been any easier then.” I finally moved back and forced myself to say, “I think it’s best if we leave each other now. Take tonight and tomorrow to clear your head and get your affairs in order before your flight. It’ll be too tough to drag this out. I can’t handle that.”
“I can’t.” He kept shaking his head. “I can’t say goodbye to you.”
“You don’t have to.” My chest rose and fell. “I’ll just walk away.”
“Give me five minutes.” Leo shut his eyes tightly before opening them. “Just give me five minutes to hold you.”
I nodded, falling back into his arms. His heart beating against mine was like a ticking clock.
I don’t know whether it was five, ten, or twenty minutes later that I forced myself to pull away. I suspected Leo wouldn’t have let me go if I hadn’t been the first to move.
As I wiped the tears from my eyes, I noticed he seemed to be fighting them as well.
“Give me your phone, please,” he said.
I handed it to him and watched as he input some information.
“I’ve entered my email and address in two places—under my name in your contacts and in the notes. If you ever change your mind about keeping in touch with me, you have all my info now. And Felicity, if you ever need anything, if you ever need help in any way, or just anything at all, please promise you’ll let me know.”
Leo brought me in for one last long and painful kiss, and I tried my hardest to block out the magnitude of it.
Taking a deep breath, I took a couple of steps back. “I’m gonna walk away, okay? I’ll go out back to say goodbye to Ludicrous and then head home.”
Leo nodded and shut his eyes, as if he couldn’t bear to watch me leave. That was the final thing I saw before I put one foot in front of the other and made my way out the door, feeling as though my heart had shattered into a million pieces.
The following day, I felt awful. I’d tossed and turned all night, and the achiness in my body was the physical manifestation of my heartbreak. Knowing Leo was still just across the bay, and that he was just as hurt as I was, haunted me.
I did nothing but sulk in my room and look out my window toward Leo’s house. I tried to busy myself with packing for Pennsylvania, but I was thinking about him.
Mrs. Angelini wasn’t home. She rarely went out for the entire day, but today she’d gone to visit a friend an hour away in Massachusetts. She’d asked me if I preferred that she cancel so she could distract me from Leo’s leaving, but I assured her it wouldn’t make a difference and convinced her to keep her original plans.
I didn’t even know what time his flight was, just that it was tonight. He’d never called me about Ludicrous, so I could only assume the farm he’d found had agreed to take him this morning; at least I hoped so. I would’ve figured it out if he needed me to.
When 5 p.m. rolled around, I finally made my way downstairs. For all I knew, Leo had already left for the airport. He was already gone from Narragansett.
When the doorbell rang, my heart jumped. Mrs. Angelini wasn’t due back until around nine.
I peeked through the peephole to find Leo, a sight that knocked the wind out of me.
When I opened the door, he seemed out of breath. “I’m so sorry, Felicity,” he stammered. “I know I promised not to do this, to prolong our goodbye, but I forgot to give you something.” He handed me the blue planner he’d taken the first night I’d invited him over. “I wrote in this and wanted to give it to you as a keepsake. I’m sorry if my being here upsets you. I—”