I said nothing while I let it all sink in. She was right, but I hated admitting that to myself.
“Sometimes…” she added. “Letting go of someone can be just as important a gesture of love as hanging on to them.”
I nodded. My stomach was in knots. Everything she’d said was true. In my heart, I knew I needed to let Felicity go—for her own good more than anything else. I just didn’t know how to do it.
I spent the remainder of the day downright depressed and ended up returning to my Bob Ross painting tutorials for the first time in a while. Sigmund had already connected with someone new, so he was out of the house for a hookup with her. Good riddance. That gave me the space to spread all of my things across the kitchen.
I wanted to call Felicity, but told myself I should continue to give her space today, especially after the conversation with my grandmother, which had left me reeling. It had helped solidify what I already knew—that there was no chance for things to work—but the harsh truth was a hard pill to swallow. Regardless of my own feelings on the matter, if I wanted what was best for Felicity, I needed to let her go.
The painting I was working on today reminded me a lot of a scene out of Narragansett. There was a body of water and surrounding trees. And of course, happy little clouds. My eyes wandered from the canvas to the window. A flash of red hair blowing in the wind met my eyes.
Felicity was in the side yard, feeding Ludicrous a long carrot stick. The look of joy on her face momentarily made me forget what I’d been lamenting. After he’d fully demolished the carrot, she wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a squeeze. When she closed her eyes, looking so content, a wave of guilt hit me. That beautiful spirit would be crushed in just over a month’s time.
Putting my brush down, I walked to the back door and ventured out to the yard.
“I never thought I’d be jealous of a horse, but here we are.”
She looked up suddenly. “You scared me.”
“Were you hoping I wouldn’t know you were here? How come you didn’t call me?”
“I hadn’t heard from you all morning. I wasn’t sure if you were busy. But I really wanted to see Ludicrous, so I thought I’d sneak over and see if he was out in the yard, since it’s a nice day.”
“I’m never too busy for you.”
“What were you up to?” she asked.
“I was actually…painting. I’ve gotten out of the habit of practicing, so I thought I’d take advantage of Sigmund being out of the house, so as not to have to deal with his ridicule. Anyway, I’m happy you’re here. I wanted to see you, but I thought I’d give you a little space, since this weekend was quite intense. I figured maybe you needed a breather.”
She resumed petting the horse. “Maybe I should feel that way, but I don’t. I wish I did. It would make everything easier.”
“Yeah. I know.” I slipped my hands in my pockets.
Standing my ground when it came to my decision wasn’t going to be easy. Whenever Felicity was physically with me, the thought of losing her forever felt even more impossible.
“How are you feeling…after everything?” I asked.
Turning her attention away from Ludicrous for a moment, she said, “I feel good. I don’t regret anything we did, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“I guess I was wondering where your head is in that respect, yes. We got very caught up in things. You’ve been on my mind even more than usual since you left yesterday. With the days passing so fast, I’m getting more anxious. I don’t know how I’m supposed to say goodbye to you.”
Felicity wouldn’t look at me. “Maybe we shouldn’t say goodbye.”
“What do you mean?” For a moment, my heart filled with hope.
Still looking down at Ludicrous, she said, “I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I think maybe we just pick a time to not see each other anymore—closer to when the time comes—and skip the goodbye altogether. I can’t imagine saying goodbye to you, Leo. I know what I just proposed sounds really harsh, but I think in some ways, it might be easier for me…”
“But there has to be a goodbye. If we know it’s our last time together, how do we avoid it? I can’t just walk away from you and not say goodbye.”
“Maybe we can’t avoid it altogether. I just don’t want a long goodbye.”
I couldn’t put this discussion off any longer.
“I didn’t want to have this conversation today, but maybe it’s for the better.” My chest filled with anticipatory anxiety. “We’ve never discussed logistics. By that I mean, what happens after we leave each other? Will we be in contact at all?”
Felicity closed her eyes and hugged the pony closer as she ran her hands along its mane. Then she finally looked up at me. “I don’t know that I can handle it.”
I swallowed. “Can’t handle…keeping in touch with me?”
She nodded.
“You’re suggesting we never speak to each other again?” I was shocked. “I don’t know if I can do that, Felicity. At the very least, I need to know you’re okay. I can’t just erase you.”
“This is painful for me, too. I don’t know what the right answer is. But I don’t think I can handle hearing about you moving on, getting married, having children someday.”
In all of the time I’d known her, I’d never once gotten the impression that she would want to lose contact altogether. Maybe that was naïve of me. I knew we couldn’t be together. But to never see or hear from her again? It seemed unimaginable. Panic washed over me.
“Is this negotiable at all?”
A distraught look crossed her face. “Leo…”
My priority needed to be what was best for her. Maybe my need to keep in touch was selfish. Or maybe it was an attempt to hold on to the last shreds of hope that it wouldn’t be the end of us. If my priority was truly to prevent the most damage from my departure, maybe she was right, as painful as it was to imagine never seeing or hearing from her again.
“I will do whatever you want, Felicity. It hurts, but I won’t blame you for not wanting to keep in touch. It won’t alter the amazing memories I have of you in any way. I will respect your decision, even if it’s hard to accept right now.”
“You think it’s what I want?” She shook her head slowly, her voice trembling. “It’s just what I can handle, you know?”
“Come here.” When she started to cry, I reached out and pulled her into my arms.
Taking a long, deep breath of her scent, I felt my chest constrict. I decided to be honest with her in a way I hadn’t intended to up until this very moment.
“This morning I was wracking my brain, trying to figure out a way to make this work.”
She pulled away and looked up at me with wide eyes.
“Leaving my family would obviously be difficult. Everything I’m obligated to handle is there. The promises I’ve made my father won’t be possible unless I’m permanently in England. But over the past couple of days, I’ve wrestled with the idea of begging you to come to the UK with me.”
Felicity seemed shocked, her eyes wide. “I’m surprised to hear you say that.”