There was a long bout of silence and in the quiet, I listened to Logan’s heavy breathing. Each inhale sounded like he was gasping for oxygen. His exhales rattled around the room and the longer this went the more my heart hurt for him.
His struggle was real even if I didn’t fully understand what had him tied up.
“Why would you ask me that?” Logan asked softly.
“If you got a bad vibe?” I took Logan’s grunt as my answer and went on. “Because you’re a good judge of character and you’ve been trained to read a situation. If you were a dick to him I suppose you had a reason.”
Logan blew out a breath then confessed, “When my sister called and told me my mom was seeing him, I ran a background check on him.”
Of course, Logan ran a check. Knowing he couldn’t see me I rolled my eyes and pinched my lips.
“Did you find anything?”
“Not a goddamn thing. Everything he told my mom and sisters checked out. He’s had one speeding violation in the last ten years. He has no personal debt beyond a mortgage he could pay off. Moderate business debt. Healthy checking and savings, both personal and business. Never been arrested, no complaints have been filed. He’s not wealthy but he’s far from hurting.”
“What’d he tell your mom and sisters?”
“He’s a widower. His wife had endometrial cancer when she was twenty-three. She beat it but years later she developed bladder cancer. It was aggressive and spread quickly. Ian’s wife passed ten years ago. Since then, he’s submerged himself into business. I couldn’t find a hint he’s had even a date since his wife passed.”
None of that was bad. All of it said great things about Ian and his devotion to his wife. Which meant Logan’s issues were not with Ian but with his father.
“Until he met your mom,” I whispered.
I didn’t miss Logan’s growl. I also didn’t miss the way he lay beside me perfectly still and stiff.
“I don’t know how to help you.”
“Why can’t I let it go? Why the hell can’t I move on? Why can’t I be fucking normal like everyone else?”
Each question he rapped out sounded like Logan was being tortured. Each question more painful than the last to hear.
“Honey, you are normal.”
“No, Ren, I’m toxic. I’m so broken inside I can’t give the woman who saved my life what she needs. I was a dick to a man who loved his wife, is honorable, and very clearly likes my mother. But I can’t be happy for her.”
“You think he’s gonna hurt her? Physically hurt her.”
“She killed him.”
Deader than dead. Totally devoid of any emotion. A tone that sent a shiver through me, so when I reached for Logan’s hand, mine was shaking. But I still managed to curl my fingers around his.
“Who?” I asked, with a squeeze of my hand.
“My father. I think my mom knew he’d finally cracked and it was only a matter of time before he went beyond his normal beatings, so months before that, she bought a gun. She killed him the night he stabbed me.”
Holy shit.
Holy, holy, fucking shit.
“Logan,” I breathed.
“Tonight with Ian sitting close to my mom all I could think about was how she used to cover her bruises. And when Ian held her hand all I could see were all the times my dad would grab her and yank her around.” Logan paused and cleared his throat. “He was going to kill me. He was pulling back to stab me again when my mom shot him. I closed my eyes knowing it was coming, he was going to end me, I couldn’t watch. I heard the bang, then my mom’s hysterical screaming. Not before and not after, even with what I saw in the Navy, have I ever seen a woman so undone. And it wasn’t just that night, it was for months after. It took years for her not to be skittish. Years for her not to jump at the slightest noise. Years for her not to flinch if she heard an argument when we were in public. I just don’t fucking understand why she’d do it again.”
“She’s not doing it again, Logan.”
“Same road, different man.”
Logan’s stomach might have been stitched up but the wound was still gaping, and with all the years that had passed without attempting to heal it, infection had set in. His father’s abuse had turned into a virus and Logan allowed it to poison his every thought about love and relationships. It was no wonder he was the way he was.
I couldn’t say that if I’d lived through what he had I wouldn’t completely close myself off. Hell, I’d let a few bad boyfriends and one cheating, lying prick cause me to retreat and turn my back on everything I once wanted.
My heart sank and I could no longer bear the desolation, the kind of hurt that came out as a sound but sliced straight to the bone.
I had no idea how I was going to do it but Logan needed to open his eyes.
“I think you should spend some time with Ian. While he’s here, take the opportunity to talk to him.”
Logan’s hand convulsed in mine, then tightened so tight I squeaked in pain but he didn’t loosen his hold. He didn’t move. I was unsure if he was breathing.
“I can’t.”
“Logan, you can.”
“No, Ren, you don’t understand. I cannot fucking do it. I cannot—”
“Stop!” I jerked his hand as hard as I could. “You can do it, Logan. You didn’t get where you are by quitting. You didn’t get here by cowering away from obstacles. And I know you didn’t do the things you’ve done and see the things you saw and help the people you helped because you allowed fear to rule your life.”
“Lauren—”
“Listen to me! You’re gonna do this because you love your mom. You’re gonna spend time getting to know him for your peace of mind. You’re gonna do it so your family can heal. What your father did to all of you is beyond comprehension. It was horrible—the worst. But, Logan, good men do not hit women. They do not hurt children. They do not stab their sons. What he left in you when he hurt you, honey, is still eating at you. It’s still inside of you and the only way to stop it from festering is to deal with it.”
Logan didn’t reply verbally. He tugged my hand until it was on his chest then he rolled into me and shoved his face in my neck. He didn’t speak, he didn’t move, he just curled into me with his heart pounding against my shoulder, his breath fanning over my neck. We laid there in silence—me perfectly still, him vibrating with pent-up anger and pain.
And that was how I fell asleep—with Logan clinging to me.
The next morning I woke up in bed alone and I wondered if I’d imagined last night until I heard Logan’s raised voice coming from the living room. A few seconds later he walked into the room and gave me a pinched look that was a reminder that last night not only happened but sleep hadn’t miraculously soothed his soul.
“Sorry, baby, I tried to put them off but they’re on a mission and on their way over here.”
“What?” I blinked. “Who’s on a mission?”
“Jill and Jackie.”
“Your sisters?”
“Yeah, Ren. I only live five minutes from here and they were walking out the door when I was talking to Jilly.”