But I haven’t slept with him and it’s been months. Was that why he was okay to wait? He had women on the side to take care of his needs?
“What woman?”
“Let’s sit down and talk about—”
“No, Logan. Just say what you have to say.”
He flinched—actually flinched like he was uncomfortable.
What in the hell?
“Okay, Ren. As you know, the team was in Atlanta setting up surveillance on a warehouse. Matt and I tracked a car leaving to the Imperial. We didn’t know who was driving until we saw Guy valet the car.”
“That doesn’t make sense. You were there because you got a lead on Lucky. Lucky sells drugs. Guy doesn’t do drugs. I know this because one time we were leaving a movie and there was a group of teenagers smoking pot in the parking lot and he walked us the long way to his car because he gets drug tested for work and can’t take any chances.”
Logan’s jaw clenched and the corners of his eyes crinkled. Empathy was turning into impatience and I didn’t give a rat’s ass if he was getting pissed. I was sick and tired of this game.
“Matt was right, he should’ve told you,” Logan mumbled. “It never occurred to me you wouldn’t believe me. I figured you’d be pissed at whoever told you and since you already don’t like me…” Logan let that last sentence dangle in the air.
But that was the problem. As frustrating as Logan was, as pig-headed, as bossy, as arrogant, as many times as he’d pushed me away I couldn’t hate him. I wanted to. I’d tried. Yet the stupid part of me saw something inside of him—pain, darkness, despair—and I wanted to fix him. I wanted to make him smile. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to make him fall in love with me the way I’d fallen in love with him.
I can’t fix him.
Right before my eyes, Logan transformed back to his normal dickish self. Gone were any vestiges of gentleness and kindness. He was back to hard and cynical.
“I didn’t want to do it this way. I wanted to soften this for you so it sucks I gotta lay it out for you. Bottom line is your man was with a prostitute. Not only was he with her he was snorting coke with her. We didn’t have time to watch the whole show. We got what we needed and we left. You need proof.” Logan held up his phone and shook it. “You wanna see your man getting a blowjob from a pro I got the pictures. I don’t know if he fucked her after that but at five grand an hour I’d say he didn’t waste the fifty minutes he had left on chitchat.”
I recoiled from Logan’s venomous words but it was too late—they’d already seeped into my skin. My calves hit the couch and I plopped down feeling sick to my stomach. And confused. So confused.
“I wanna see the pictures,” I told him.
“Fuck, Ren, seriously? You think I’d lie to you?”
Actually, no, I didn’t think he’d make up a story as elaborate as this. And when I wasn’t pissed at Logan I could admit he’d never lied to me. He was always honest even when the truth scalded my heart. From the beginning, he’d told me love wasn’t real and only a fool believed otherwise. It didn’t matter that his friends had found it, that they loved deeply, that they were happy. Logan still didn’t believe. That was his excuse for pushing me away. Twice I’d gathered the courage to proposition him. Twice he’d told me he would never touch me. I’d gone as far as telling him I wasn’t looking for anything other than sex. He’d scowled and snarled at me when he told me I was too good for a quick fuck and a shove out the door. Logan was right; normally I had more self-respect but when it came to him I was desperate.
Now, after this—Guy cheating on me after he’d convinced me I meant something to him—I was beginning to think Logan was right about a lot of this. Love was a fool’s game. Not that I loved Guy, but I thought that was what we’d been working toward.
“I just need to see for myself.”
“Why?”
Great question.
“I don’t know why, Logan. I just do. Give me the damn phone.”
After a long scathing perusal of my face, he finally closed the distance and handed me his phone. I looked down at the locked screen then back up at him.
“You sure?”
Was I sure I wanted to see the man I’d been dating for months with his dick in another woman’s mouth? No, I wasn’t sure I wanted to see that. But I needed to.
“Yes.”
“Zero-eight-two-four.”
Holy shit, Logan gave me the code to unlock his phone.
With surprisingly steady hands I tapped the numbers on the screen.
“Top row, last app is a red square. Hit that.” I did as I was told and when the application opened I needed another password. “Zero-six-one-zero.”
File folders appeared, the first one labeled ‘Guy Stevens.’ I tapped on his name and didn’t have to wait long.
Guy on what looked like a balcony, sitting in a chair, his head tipped back, no shirt on, and a naked woman on her knees in front of him. I didn’t have to see the act to know what she was doing.
My stomach clenched and I swiped the screen.
Another image. Guy had his hand in her hair like he was guiding her mouth. I swiped again and the couple had changed positions. The woman was lying naked on a lounger. One of Guy’s hands was between the woman’s legs, the other held a bill rolled up to use like a straw, white powder on the prostitute’s massive boob.
My brain revolted but I swiped again. The makeshift straw was gone, Guy’s hand was still between her legs, and he was licking her breast where the powder had been.
I closed the app. I saw everything I needed to see.
Fucking liar.
Piece of shit.
My heart stuttered then it hardened and after that, I built a wall. It would take time to fortify it. Maybe days or months or years before it turned to stone. But that was what I needed to do, what I was going to do.
I held up Logan’s phone but he didn’t take it.
“Ren, honey—”
Fuck him.
“Take it, Logan. Then tell me you told me so and get the fuck out.”
“I told you so?”
He sounded puzzled and I couldn’t imagine why.
“Love’s bullshit, right? It’s not real and only an idiot would think it was. You were right, about everything. Happy now?”
“Fuck no, I’m not happy. I never wanted you to get hurt.”
“Yeah, see, I’m not hurt. I didn’t love him. That’s the blessing in this; I found out he was an asshole before I could give myself to him and I saved myself a trip to the clinic to get an STD test. Blessing number two I suppose. But really the good news about all of this is it showed me you have the right idea. No attachments. It’s safer that way. Be the user before you can get used.”
“Ren—”
“Stop calling me that stupid pet name. I’m not your lover, I’m not even your friend. We work together and that’s all. My name’s Lauren. Not Ren or babe or honey.”
“I’m not your friend?”
God, why did he have to look so damn hurt when I knew he didn’t care?
I couldn’t take another minute of this. I needed him to leave. I surged to my feet, forcing Logan to take a step back or risk me touching him and I was intimately aware he never wanted me to touch him.