I searched him, unsure of what he was saying. What he was implying. Only knowing the way that I saw him. “And then there are good people. Selfless people who will hurl themselves over a wall without knowing what they might be coming up against to protect someone else.”
His laughter was rough.
A rebuttal.
“And sometimes people go running into danger in the hopes of making amends, knowing they could never pay a penalty so big, but knowing they will spend their entire lives trying, anyway.”
“Is that what you’re doing . . . making amends? For what?”
I could feel his disturbance vibrate the ground.
“I should go.”
He started to stand.
My hand flew out and wrapped around his calf. Our gazes clashed as I looked up at him.
A shockwave of intensity
“Stay,” I managed to say.
He heaved out the strain, cursing low before he slowly sat back down. My hand was still on his calf, refusing to let go.
“You don’t want to get inside me, Mia. Know you think you do, but I promise you, that is not a place you want to be. You can’t fix me.” The words were gruff and low. A warning.
“And what if I were to like what I was to see?”
His dark chuckle curled in the space between us, and his hand was reaching out, tilting up my chin. “Like I said, you’d only see your own beauty reflected back. I am no good, Mia. You don’t know me, and I promise, you don’t want to.”
My hand was shaking like crazy when I forced myself to let go of his leg. I reached to reclaim my wine glass, bringing it to my lips. I fought for normalcy. To find that uneasy casualness that we’d shared for the last few days, but that seemed impossible when he was sitting this close.
“So . . . how is playing with the band? Practice is going well?”
There.
As normal as could be.
He let go of a short laugh when he realized what I was doing.
A reprieve from the severity.
“It’s good. Guys are crazy talented. It’s an honor to play with them.”
“That’s funny because Lyrik said the same thing about you.”
“Your brother is delusional.”
“He said you pretty much rewrote a song that was giving him fits.”
“Fits? He said that?” Leif teased, lightness weaving into his tone and his face lifting into an easy smile.
God, that was pretty, too.
I peeked back. “Okay, fine, he might have said it was fucking with his head and he was about to commit homicide on the next poor, unsuspecting asshole that looked at him wrong. Same diff.”
A smile played across his mouth. The man exuding a dark, dark confidence. I wanted to slip into the shadows of it.
“You rockstars are so dramatic.” I rolled my eyes. Reminding myself why I’d convinced myself rockstars were so not my type all those years ago. I didn’t have the time or the space for the pain.
But Leif’s?
I wanted his.
To shoulder some of it.
Pray that in his aftermath he didn’t leave me crushed.
“It was no big deal. He almost had it. Was just missing something. Great song, honestly.”
I let my eyes trace him, like I could add up all the parts that made him whole. The pieces that formed who he was. “Honest?”
“Wow. Loaded question much?” he teased.
I grinned. “You don’t look much like a country drummer to me.”
He laughed a self-deprecating sound. “No . . . but sometimes it’s stupid not to take opportunities when they’re presented to you.”
“Like Sunder offered you?”
“Yeah.”
“You want my honest?” I asked.
“Shoot.”
“It seems like a better fit.”
His mouth quirked at the side, and the slight dimple showed in his cheek.
I had the urge to lick it.
“You better not let Zee hear you saying that.”
Effortless laughter floated out. “He’s like a brother to me. I’ll be sure to use it the next time we get into a spat.”
The hardness around Leif’s eyes softened more. “You’re all close.” He glanced at the main house. “You want my honest?”
“Sure.”
“I’m having a hard time figuring out who’s actually related and the ones who just call each other family.”
Affection moved through my chest. “That’s the way we want it. You shouldn’t be able to tell. Love and devotion shouldn’t be hinged on whether you have the same blood running through your veins or not. I love all the kids like they’re my own nieces and nephews. I’d never want them to know the difference.”
“That’s noble.”
My head shook. “No, that’s a blessing.”
Air left his mouth, the man itching where he sat, jaw clenching tight. “It’s rare to find a love like that.”
“Another honest, while we’re at it?”
“Shoot,” I said, just like him.
The two of us getting caught up in the mood.
In the stillness.
In the peace that wrapped us like a sweet, sweet dream.
He might be dangerous, but I didn’t think I’d ever felt more comfortable than right then.
“Have to tell you that you blow me away. Your kids are lucky to have a mom like you, Mia West. Or is that your last name?” he hedged, acting like it was just another casual question when I could see the muscles twitch and flex beneath all his hard, toned flesh.
I huffed a disparaging sound. “It is West. I’ve never been married. I guess I don’t have the best luck when it comes to men.”
“Kids’ dad?”
Heaviness weighed down on my chest. “Things didn’t work out.”
Leif frowned. I might as well have been vague-booking.
Disquiet stormed through my being, that feeling way down in my bones. I set my wine glass aside and hugged my knees again. A lie should probably suffice, but I turned back to Leif with an ounce of the truth. “Sometimes we think we know someone and we don’t know them at all. Lyrik thinks he bolted when he found out I was pregnant with Penny, but it was me who left him. It was hard, but some ties have to be cut before they strangle us.”
A rush of aggression gusted through Leif. “He hurt you?”
“No. It was never like that. He was just . . . trouble. Involved in things that I didn’t want for my life, so I had to cut him loose.”
He threaded his fingers together, voice lowering when he pressed, “But he’s Greyson’s father?”
“Yeah. He’d turned his life around. Started his own business. Wanted to be a part of Penny’s life. Support both of us. One thing led to another . . .” I trailed off.
Details not required.
“Because you still loved him.” It wasn’t even a question.
My nod was slow. “I thought I did. But I think it was more that I was hoping that we could work things out and be a family. That’s what I’d always wanted, after all.” I lifted my face to the night sky. “To create art and create a family. Those are my two most beautiful things.”
“What went wrong?”
Disparaging laughter rippled out. “Everything, I guess. Things were always tumultuous between us. Super on or super off. Fighting constantly. In the end, there was too much distrust. Too many questions. Too much hurt. I realized I was fighting for something that hadn’t been there for a long, long time, and I could fight for it forever, but it was never going to change the fact that he and I didn’t belong together.”