“So… spent a week obsessing and watchin’ yer dick invert over this broad. Whatcha decide?”
“Something’s different with her. I can’t put my finger on it.”
“Just need a little fuck and release?” he asks over his shoulder from the sink.
“Naw… it's more than that. She’s not a onesie.”
“Damn, she really has yer balls twisted, doesn’t she?”
I don’t respond, taking another drink and get lost in thought again. I snap back to the present from a sharp pain on my head. I jump and look at Gage who is smiling back at me wielding a spatula.
“What the fuck man? What was that?” I sputter in confusion.
“That was my magic wand working wonders for yer scrambled brains.”
“The fuck?”
Gage takes a dramatic curtsy, pulling out the sides of an imaginary skirt “I’m declaring myself yer Leprechaun Godfather, laddie.”
“Leprechaun Godfather? Ya got a pot-o-gold to give me?” I scoff, giving him a look like he’s an escaped mental patient.
“Fuck that… I’m Irish, not a fuckin’ fairy. I’m gonna work my magic and help ye get yer lass m’dear boy. Yours will be a courtship for the history books.”
I scoff and can’t help but laugh at the ridiculous look of pride on Gage’s face and his little twirl of spatula.
“Fine, tell me oh wise one. How do I win the affections of my fair maiden?” I ask, deciding to play along.
“Oh aye, ye need to woo the lass. Need to win her over and show her yer worth the risk. With the littl’un in tow it’s even more important for ye to woo her and make it so she doesn’t have any choice but to let ye in. Win her heart if that’s what ye want. I’ll say this though. I ain’t helping ye if all ye seek is a fuck and release. That littl’un deserves more than ye buttering her up and runnin’,” Gage says, pinning me with a firm stare.
“I’ve already told you; she deserves more than that,” I say, meeting his glare. Gage looks at me for a moment, as if he can see right through me, and sadly I don’t doubt that the fucker can do just that. He must be satisfied with what he finds because he gives me a nod.
“Well if ye turn into a bumbling fool every time ye get an eyeful of Tits McGee over there…” I grab another apple from the bowl on the counter and chuck it at his head. This time he snatches it out of the air and takes a bite as he gives me a challenging look. “Am I wrong?”
I grumble and go to take another drink from my mug and mumble into it, “Not a total bumbling fool.”
“I believe yer exact words were ‘like a fuckin’ twelve-year-old caught with his dick in his hand.’”
“I… fuck off.”
“Nice” he deadpans. “So. We’ve established ye revert to a prepubescent moron when Sweet Tits is around. What we need to do is give ye a chance to pull yer head out of yer arse, yer dick out yer hand, and that stanky-ass foot outta yer mouth and talk like a human.”
“My feet aren’t stanky, asshole,” I grumble at him. Seriously, there has to be some tiny shred of dignity I get to keep today, right?
“Have ye smelled yerself after one of yer benders? Shut the fuck up and let yer Leprechaun work his magic.”
“There’s a joke in there somewhere about finding the pot-o-gold at the end of the rainbow”
Gage lifts the pan he’s washing and swings it at me, ready to beat me over the head with it. I lean back in my seat, laughing as I dodge his attack.
“Ye done ye fuckin’ crusty jizz sock?” he growls at me, banging the pan down on the counter. I roll my eyes at his dramatics and bow my head in deference, signaling I’ll let him speak. “Thank you. As I was saying, we need to get ye two alone, so ye’ll have a chance to maybe string a few words together in her presence. Though when she realizes ye have the IQ of a salted banana slug, she’ll run the other way. We gotta give ye a fighting chance at least...” he trails off, clearly deep in thought and I watch for steam to come out his ears from the effort. After a few moments he slams the other pan he had been drying down on the counter, yelling “that’s it!”
“Enlighten me dear Godfather,” I say, sarcasm dripping in my tone.
“Take her for a drive. Don’t care where ye take the lass, just have to get her alone where she can’t run away from ye again when ye spout yer idiocy,” he smiles at me, looking entirely too proud of himself.
“Gee Gage, sound a little more like a serial killer why dontcha?”
“Fuck you, I’m brilliant. Take my truck. Yer piece of shit’s fuckin’ awful in the snow. Havin’ to deal with yer company is enough torture, don’t want to scare the poor lass half to death in yer shit car too.”
“It's not a piece of shit. It’s a ‘66 Nova. Just because you have some insane thing against muscle cars doesn’t mean it's shit. But I will admit it’s not the greatest in the winter... Fine. I’ll take your rusted-out piece of shit truck and blame it on you,” I agree, giving in.
Gage throws down the dish towel in his hand with a flourish and gives me a self-satisfied smile. “There! It’s settled. My work here’s done. I’ll leave ye to fuck it up on yer own.” with that he offers me a chin lift and heads through the house to the front door, slamming it behind him.
I can’t help but sit at the counter and laugh. As much as I hate to admit it, Gage has a point. Getting some time away from distractions, and escape routes, with Tessa might be exactly what I need, or trapping myself in the cage with a lioness. Now I just have to convince her what a great idea it is.
Chapter 9
Sawyer
After Gage left, I spent the whole damn day plotting the grand “Help Sawyer Bag His Lass” scheme. The little glimpse I caught of her yesterday, while gratifying to find out my little stunt paid off, it wasn’t enough to satisfy my curiosity. I know I’ll hear about the dreaded gutter incident well into my next life, and should absolutely claim temporary insanity because of it, but I still call it a success.
Gage made me swear to stick to his master plan and to, ‘keep my shirt on,’ but damn him. I need to see her, and soon. Yes, I know it makes me sound like a goddamn serial killer, but I really do just want to just see her and see for myself that she is getting settled. She looked so lost last time I saw her, so overwhelmed by more than just the house and job Clay and Alice dropped on her. She’s carrying the weight of the world and trying her damnedest to not let anyone see it.
In the spirit of seeing my lovely neighbor again, I decided at around 2 AM last night that I would fix that loud as fuck screen door of hers. I ran to the hardware store earlier this morning, let’s just say they were surprised at the first thing in the morning emergency purchase of screen door parts, and have been waiting for her to come home from work. No. I am not a stalker, I just like to casually look out my window every five minutes for the last four hours. I’m a friendly neighbor who just wants to do a kind deed.
Yeah, all the psychos say that before they shove the girl in the basement and try to wear their skin like a suit.