One look.
All it took was one look and it all clicked into place.
“B… Get up man…”
“Eight hundred and thirty-seven days ago… Brandon… B. Overdosed.” I say in a flat tone, coming back to the present. I lift my head and stare out the window.
Tessa curls tighter around me. I vaguely register the wet feeling of her tears trailing down my shoulder. Her arms cling to me like she is trying to ground me and pull me back to myself.
“I couldn’t protect him; I didn’t protect him. I should have protected him,” I whisper, not to anyone in particular but I mumble it over and over again. My mantra. The one I have repeated for eight hundred and thirty-seven days. I should have been there. I should have protected him.
“I need you safe Tess,” I say, barely even a whisper this time, but I know she hears me. She uncurls from my back and slides around, going to her knees in front of me. She takes my hands in hers and presses them to her cheeks.
“I am safe Sawyer; I am safe when I am with you. Just like you will keep Evan and Lexi safe,” she says looking up at me, but I refuse to meet her gaze. I can’t let myself; I can’t handle seeing the look in her eyes now that she knows the truth.
“Tess, I killed my brother. I killed him by letting him do what he wanted. My baby brother, my Shadow, the one who made life so much bigger and better, died on my watch. It was my fault he got tangled up in any of that shit, I should have pushed him away from the world I was living in. I can never forgive myself for not standing my ground and keeping him safe. Never,” I say, staring out to the end of the world.
“I could never look my mother in the eyes again after I told her the news; I at least was able to do that though. I avoided my siblings, staying at a distance for fear of their condemnation, their rejection. I thought about trying to leave, but every time I got on the bike, I just couldn’t start it. I stuck around the compound for a while after B’s death, but I just couldn’t handle seeing anyone we used to know; go anywhere I had been with him. Everywhere I looked, I expected his laughing scrawny ass to wave at me and toss me a beer. I could see it in the Brother’s eyes too, they saw my weakness, they saw that I let down a Brother and wanted nothing to do with me. It became too much… So, I left.”
“I pulled the chicken-shit move, left my Cut in the Prez’s office in the middle of the night with a fucking Dear John letter, and ran. I got on my bike and just drove, running away from anything that was my life. And that was it. That was my exile. I haven’t talked to anyone in my family since I left, and I doubt I ever will again. They don’t want me there anymore, I’m not needed. The only thing worse than a broken man is a man who isn’t needed.”
“Sawyer,” I hear Tessa say my name, but she feels miles away. I feel her hands go to my face and she forcibly tilts my head down to meet hers.
“Need your eyes biker man,” she says firmly.
I close my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath as I steel myself to face the rejection I know I will find in her eyes, the pain at my betrayal of my own brother. When I finally open them and meet her gaze, she has a fierce light glowing in their hazel depths. There is no rejection, no revulsion, and no fear. Only… love. Love and understanding and acceptance. I’m struck dumb by her look, prepared for anything but love and acceptance.
“Sawyer,” she repeats. “B’s death is not on you. He was a grown man and could make his own decisions, choose his own path, right or wrong. Don’t carry this, don’t carry it on your soul. It’s so damn heavy. I need you to look at me and believe me. You are not responsible for your brother’s death, you are not perfect, you never will be, and I love you for that,” she says, putting a hand to my cheek and wiping a tear with her thumb.
I can’t look at her, can’t handle the infinite understanding in her eyes. I hang my head again, pulling free from her hold. How can she understand, how can she ever understand that the sight of my lifeless little brother on that shit-stained mattress that morning haunts me every, single, day? Why would she ever think I can be good for Evan, that beautiful happy boy. I had sworn to protect Brandon, had promised to look out for him and keep him safe. Instead, I had led him to his death.
“Stop it. Stop it right damn now Sawyer,” she says, pulling my face back to hers. “I can see where your head is going, and don’t you dare go there. You have made our world safe again, you have made it a home.” her tears starting to edge into her voice.
“You loved that poor man, anyone can see that, but that does not mean you failed him. He made his choices in life and you did your best to guide him; but every child outgrows their parent; you couldn’t keep him forever. You are amazing, and fierce, and loyal, and so much more than I thought Evan and I could ever have. You have to live with the pain of his death for the rest of your life, let me help you carry it a while…” her insistence and honesty driving into me, shattering the icy prison I had hidden my little Bumble behind.
“I love you Sawyer McGrath; I love all of you. I love all of your strong and broken pieces. Together, the three of us can make a new whole. We can piece together our lives into something greater, something so full of love that the pain fades under its light,” she says before leaning in and pressing her lips to mine. The kiss imparting all the love and calm that has been radiating off her. I feel it settle over me and start to wind its way around my heart, releasing some of the pain that I have wrapped around it like barbed wire.
As if she hasn’t stunned me enough, she reaches up and presses her hand to my chest… covering the bumblebee tattoo inked over my heart. “B will always be here with you, in your heart. He would be so damn proud of the man you have become; of the man you’re going to raise.”
This woman.
“Tessa, I can’t put you in danger. I need you to be safe Tessa. I can’t do this if I’m worried you’re getting tangled up in any of this shit. I don’t want any of this to touch you. I can’t let any of the Club mess get near you and Evan; I won’t let anything like that ever happen again,” I say, looking down at her, my eyes pleading with her to understand.
“Sawyer, we’re already in it… But I know it’ll be ok,” she pauses, grabbing my face in both her hands and pulling my gaze to hers. “It’ll be okay because you’re here to keep us safe. Because Gage, and Axel, and Cotton, and Tully are here to keep you safe. I have chosen to love the man,” says her eyes saying how much she truly believes it, “and to love the man I must love the Club too. I’m in this with you to the end, until Evan is safe, until Lexi is safe.”
I close my eyes as her words sink in, let the warmth of her hands soak into my skin. She’s won and we both know it. I don’t want to accept this, but I know my beautiful woman has the right of it.
She stands, pulling me up off the bed with her. “I know I’m no battle-hardened Valkyrie, I have no intention of leading the charge.” her smile at the thought becomes infectious and I can’t help but feel one start to grow at the thought of her in shining armor like some Joan of Arc. “But let me be there when you rescue our baby, let me be there to soothe my sister, just let that be the part I can play.”