“Here’s to my mother,” I said, and everybody toasted.
But then we went back to toasting Cricket. I hoped he grew up and changed the world. If he stuck with Susie, both of them might change the world together. I wanted to live in that world.
* * *
Dante and I escaped from the group so we could make out for a while. Who the hell invented the term “making out”? “Necking”? “Smooching”? The whole thing made me feel immature and silly. I hated the word “silly.” And I hated to think of myself as being silly.
“This is so high school,” Dante said.
“Well, yeah, but I’m too private to be an exhibitionist.”
“Straight people make out in front of their friends—and we don’t consider them to be exhibitionists.”
“Shut up and kiss me, Dante. How are we supposed to make out if you’re too busy talking?”
“Hey! Do you realize we’ve never had sex inside your truck? I mean, in the cab.”
“Now, that’s super high school.”
“All the guys at Cathedral talk about car sex.”
“You’re kidding. All those good Catholic boys?”
“They’re mostly smart Catholic boys. I’m not so sure how good they are. I mean, Catholic school boys are just guys—they’re not altar boys.”
And then we heard our friends calling out our names.
“We’re coming,” I yelled, “we’re coming!” I twisted Dante’s hand. “We didn’t even get to make out.”
“We don’t have to get all sexual all the time.”
“You’ll live to regret those words, Mr. Quintana.”
We walked back toward them holding hands.
“So, what were you guys doing?” Gina had this smirk on her face.
“We were chasing lizards.”
I walked right into it—and Cassandra never let a good line get past her. “More like each other’s lizards.” And, yeah, they laughed and laughed, and when they stopped laughing, I said, “High school behavior doesn’t appeal to me. Cassandra, you’re regressing.”
“I’ve spent my life playing at being a woman. Let me play at being a girl.”
I loved Cassandra. There was something about the way she said things—not what she said but how she said them. I wondered how many hearts she was going to break.
“Do you think most people in high school have sex?”
“Some do,” Susie said. “Most don’t. The girls that have sex deny it. And most of the guys that say they’ve had sex are a bunch of liars.”
“So,” Gina says, “when is it morally acceptable to have sex?”
“Never,” Cassandra said. “Maybe it depends on your religion. If you’re Catholic, then it’s never going to be morally acceptable—unless, of course, you’re trying to have children.”
“In America we’re all messed up about sex,” Susie said. “If you’re having premarital sex, just don’t tell anyone. They won’t ask. And, really, they don’t want to know. And everything will be fine. Just don’t talk about it. Every time I see a pregnant woman, I want to walk up to her and say, ‘I see you’ve been having sex. Good for you.’ ”
Cricket got a big kick out of that one.
And then Gina jumped in. “If a guy is going out with a girl, people don’t assume they’re having sex. But if a guy is going out with another guy, well, everybody assumes they’re definitely having sex. Because everyone knows gay guys are oversexed.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Well, that’s what you get for being homosexuals.”
Dante and I thought that was very funny. But why did people always talk about our sexual choice? Choice? It wasn’t like we were choosing between two candidates who were running for president. It wasn’t like that at all.
Twenty-Three
FRIDAY AFTERNOON AND I’D JUST come in from a run. It was good to run alone sometimes. Really good. I was sitting on the front steps, letting my heartbeat slow down, sweat pouring out of me. My mother came out the front door. She sat next to me.
“You look nice, Mom.”
“I’m meeting some friends for a drink and dinner. I don’t really feel like going—but I need to learn how to live my life without your father. And I’m sure I’ll have a good time. I have lovely friends. And they know how to make me laugh. I could use some laughter in my life.”
“Good for you, Mom.
“Dante’s on his way here. We’re probably gonna hang out at the Charcoaler. Have a great time, Mom. And if you drink too much, call me and I’ll come and get you. And I won’t even ask you to explain yourself to me.”
She laughed. “Do I have a curfew?”
I watched her drive away. I heard Legs pawing at the front door. I opened the door for her, and she plopped herself down next to me.
Just then, I saw Dante hopping out of his father’s car.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi. You wanna hang out at the Charcoaler and listen to some music on the radio?”
“Sounds good to me.” We were smiling at each other. “Don’t you ever take your shirt off when you run?”
“Nope.” I know I was wearing a very mischievous smile. “My mom is out for the evening, and I have to take a shower—and I was wondering if maybe you’d like to join me. Or maybe you’re not into that sort of thing.”
“Meet you in the shower.” He was already opening the screen door, with Legs following after him.
I laughed to myself. I guess that’s a yes.
Twenty-Four
OUR LIVES RETURNED TO A kind of normalcy. Normalcy. There was a word. How could a gay guy even use that word? Dante and I were beginning to understand that our love for each other wasn’t easy. And never would be easy. “Love” was no longer a new word. It was us that would have to keep that word new—even when it felt old.
One evening, Susie announced, “I got accepted to Emory University in Atlanta.”
Dante clenched his fist in the air. “I knew you’d get in. And Ari already knows, but I got into Oberlin—with a scholarship.”
I watched Dante. I loved it so much that he was happy.
“I got into UT,” I said.
“Yessss.” Gina did a little dance as she sat at my kitchen table. “So did I.”
“Wanna be roommates?”
“Hell no! I’m not gonna be roommates with an impossibly handsome man. You’d scare away all my prospects.”
“Good to know you’re thinking ahead.”
Dante and I exchanged looks. We were happy. And we were sad.
Twenty-Five
ONE THURSDAY EVENING, THE PHONE rang. My mother answered it. It was for her, not me. I was hoping it was Dante. Every time the phone rang, I always hoped it was Dante.
I walked out onto the front porch and Legs followed me, and for some reason, I felt a kind of calmness.. I just sat there as the sun began to set. I wished that I could breathe in all of this calmness and the portrait of a setting sun and let it live in me forever. I closed my eyes.