Our lips are about to touch, but Quin turns his head at the last moment pressing his lips to my forehead, shattering any hope I had for the kiss.
Love has no limits, but patience does.
And I’m starting to think I’ve reached it with Quin.
It’s been a week since everyone searched for Vince and I rejected the kiss from Alicia. It was a last-minute thought. I regret it, but there isn’t anything I can really do about it now. She doesn’t understand that I did it for her. I’m only respecting her wants and needs.
And today, she’s going back to work for the first time and I’m watching Kimmy. There’s been no luck finding Vince and Alicia has avoided me at all costs.
Which sucks for her, because I’m finally moving around now without pain and I’m giving her no other option but to confront me. My ankle is still in a brace, but it doesn’t stop me from walking around. I’ve been debating if I need to apologize or to kiss her the way I want.
I don’t know what to fucking do.
You’d think I’d be the more aggressive type considering the kind of past I come from, but all the violence that led me to this moment only makes me not want to be that man anymore. I don’t have the energy or the desire to be that man again. It took too much out of me before.
Back when I was with Venom, the old Prez of the Atlantic City Chapter, I had to be the man he needed me to be or my life was on the line. I was a foster kid, bouncing around from home to home, and eventually, I just lived on the streets. Venom and his crew found me when I was sixteen sleeping next to a dumpster. He promised me brotherhood and family. As a kid, it was all I ever wanted, so why would I say no?
I became a prospect and I had everything I ever wanted.
Money. Booze. Drugs. Women.
Oh my god, the women.
I lost my virginity six months later to a club whore. No romance or anything. Just Venom telling me I needed to become a man and it was the only way to be a real King.
So I hooked up with a whore in the bathroom and fucked her against the sink. I knew I was uncomfortable with it, but I couldn’t show that. Sincerity wasn’t allowed.
The woman didn’t know my age. I’m sure if she did, there would be no way in hell she would have fucked me.
I knew then Venom wasn’t the kind of man I wanted to follow, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go.
A year later, I had my first kill.
I can’t even remember his name. He stole from the Kings. Apparently, he borrowed money, but he never planned on paying it back. He was going to leave town and Venom wasn’t going to let that happen.
Venom had beat the hell out of him and the guy was on his knees, begging for his life, his eye swollen, and his front teeth missing from the punches.
Venom whispered in my ear to kill him and handed me his gun.
I was scared. I didn’t want to lose my family. I had a home, a roof over my head, and warm food on the table.
So I did what any kid would do to make his family happy.
I killed the man.
And come to find out, he wasn’t a threat. He wasn’t trying to leave town, he wasn’t a thief, he wasn’t involved with the club in any way. He was just some random guy off the street who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Venom grabbed him off the street just so I could have my first kill.
I think I killed an innocent man.
It’s haunted me ever since.
I put on a brave face a lot of the time, but honestly, I feel burdened with all the things I’ve done. It’s why when Kansas stood up for himself and his beliefs, I knew I had to follow him. I couldn’t live the life I had been living. The guilt was too much to bear.
The pain and torture I received strung up in that barn was something I deserved. I know that, but if Alicia ever found out about the horrid things I’ve done, she would be afraid of me. The agony I felt in that barn couldn’t compare to the torture I’d feel if she never looked at me the same.
She would want nothing to do with me. Her fears and trepidations would become true in her eyes. I’d be another villain in a long line of other villains.
I don’t want to be the monster she’s so afraid of loving.
I want to be the man she wants to conquer fear with.
And I know if she knew, I’d never hear from her again.
Then again, maybe I’m underestimating her. Maybe she’s come farther than I have in the last few months, because while she knows my name, not once I have decided to tell her the entire truth about myself.
She’s better than me. She’s actively tried to better herself as a person, to overcome her fears, but what have I done?
I’ve told her my name.
Big fucking whoop.
What about the stuff that matters? The grit that makes me who I am? I know her grit. I know the muck. I’m well aware of her darkness. But I’m too afraid to confront my demons. I’m too afraid to speak the toxins out loud, because that’s all truth is.
It’s poison.
And all it leaves you with is a wish. A wish you could turn back time and lie.
Lies protect the soul.
And the truth leaves it vulnerable to damage.
I know she’s stronger than me because she has left her soul open to the truths she has had to face to heal. She chooses vulnerability; I continue to choose the shadows. I wrap myself in the comfortable cloak of lies.
That is my truth, and she deserves so much better.
My back gives a twinge and my ribs ache as I force myself to walk. I turn the corner and knock on Kimmy’s door. Alicia began staying there since I turned my lips to her forehead.
Fucking idiot is what I am.
I lift my knuckles and tap the wood, the sun beaming down on me and warming my shoulders.
The door swings open and her red hair flutters around her from the slight breeze. For a moment, I’m hypnotized by the way the light reflects off her strands. Sure, it’s simple to say her hair is red, but there are dozens of different shades ranging from copper to bright fire engine red.
Her hair is like a beautiful, brilliant flame. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes of her old life.
And all I want to do is burn.
“I’m going to go do my homework in the living room and see if…” Kimmy’s train of thought ends. “I forgot Void left. He helped me with my math.” She drops her head and drags her feet as she walks by me.
“I’ll help you in a second, Squirt. Go get set up.”
“Okay!” she says brightly, skipping down the breezeway.
Alicia’s face is unreadable. I can’t decipher what she’s thinking. She closes the door behind her harder than usual, then spins around and hikes her purse up her shoulder. “I need to go to work. After work, I’ll be back to pick Kimmy up. We will be going back to the apartment today.”
“No!” I shout, grabbing her bicep as her sweet scent of the breeze coming in off the ocean smacks me in the face. “I mean, no,” I lower my voice. “That isn’t a good idea. Vince could still be out there. It is safer for you guys to stay here.”
“I’d rather take my chances at home,” she replies, her cheeks reddening, which means she’s upset.
No, upset isn’t the right word.
Livid.
Yes, livid. If it were possible, the flame of her hair would billow up into a bonfire right now.