Wiped. Emotionally spent.
Our chests rise and fall heavily.
Sulli lies face-down on top of both of us. Left arm spread over Banks’ chest. Right arm spread over mine. I cup the back of her head tenderly. Banks places his palm on her ass, and then he touches the top of my head in the same tender affection that I’m touching Sulli.
“That was…fucking wow,” she breathes.
“Fucking wow,” Banks says in agreement.
“Effing wow,” I add.
They both laugh.
We’re all quiet. Peace lies inside our sanctuary. Where it’s just us three. I want to remember this moment and feeling. Like a snapshot in time. Where we’re all in harmony and whole before the world tries to rip us apart again and again. And again.
Love inside the chaos.
As we lie here, as my mind wanders, my lips slowly rise.
There is no doubt, no indecision on my part, no wavering, no questioning, no backtracking or leaving. I believe in the strength of us.
52
SULLIVAN MEADOWS
NOW
We leave the library, and I feel a little drained from dodging Jane all night, so I’m extra thankful when my mom calls. It’s a nice cherry on top of a slightly burnt cupcake.
“Hi, Mom.” I curl up on the rooftop bucket swing. A new addition thanks to Luna. She likes to write here, and I can’t deny it’s the comfiest thing on the patio.
Akara and Banks followed me up here, but they currently jump into the pool for a late-night dip. I pull my eyes off my boyfriends to focus on FaceTime.
Potted ferns surround my mom while she’s tucked on the window nook. Goldilocks sleeps on her lap. “How’s the party? Any food fights yet?” She has a wicked smile like she’s the one up to no good. No matter how old I get, my mom never seems to age. Youthfulness is so a part of her soul that I imagine she’ll live forever. Even if I know it’s not true.
“Fucking sadly there were no food fights. And the watch-party ended early.”
“Oh bummer.” Her eyes soften.
I shrug. “I’m kind of still avoiding Jane so…”
“You were also avoiding the party,” she realizes. “That’s not like you.”
“I know,” I say quietly. “I don’t really want to talk about Jane.” I’ve already confided in my mom about my feelings, and she’s been understanding, especially as the youngest with three older sisters—she’s dealt with comparison before.
My mom switches subjects for me. “Was there any cake tonight?”
“I wish.”
“Tacos?”
“Nope.”
“Salsa?”
I shake my head.
She smiles. “Your Uncle Lo and I would not call that a party then. Therefore, thy beautiful peanut butter cupcake did not avoid a party. Just a plain ole get-together.”
I laugh. “That’s my favorite kind of logic.”
She mimes a high-five at the phone.
I air-five my mom back on-screen.
I really fucking love my mom. Spirits a little higher, but I watch her tuck a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. And I feel like something is up.
“Everything okay there?” I wonder.
“Everything’s groovy.” She smiles again, one that softens on me. “So I have this theory…”
I listen closely.
“…that the greatest, most unexpected moments in life are often the ones where risks are taken.”
I think about choosing both Banks and Akara. The three of us choosing each other—the hardest, most dangerous, risky path we could’ve taken—and how much fuller life feels being with them.
“I like that one,” I mutter.
“Then are you sure you really want to hide out at the penthouse for your pregnancy?”
My body tenses. “No…I…Mom, I’d love to go out, but this isn’t just about me anymore. It could put the baby at risk.”
“That’s why you have security, Sulli. So you don’t have to worry as much and you can take those risks. So you can live your life and not be a prisoner to it.”
I blink back tears, eyes burning. “I have to make sacrifices, though. Right?” I’m not so sure I’m even making sense. I backtrack to what I know. “You and Dad, you both sacrificed so much to keep me and Nona out of the public eye.” My throat swells, emotion building. My mom’s green eyes are a comfort that I don’t want to meet. “I realize…I fucked that up, didn’t I? I just tossed all your hard work in the garbage.”
I’m unable to step out of the spotlight.
My privacy has been obliterated with the snap of a finger.
“Oh cupcake,” Mom says with sweetness but also worry. “Your dad and I, we wanted you to have a choice. To choose whether you could be public or private. I’ll always be happy that I gave you that choice, and we were so lucky we could let you choose. My sister knew her kids would be in the public eye, no matter what she did.”
“Aunt Lily?” I sniff hard, holding back tears. “Maximoff and Luna.”
“Xander, Kinney,” my mom finishes. “Lily and Lo raised some great kids, Sulli. Don’t you think?”
I nod, my nose running before my tears leak. I wipe my face.
I love my cousins. Moffy is my big brother, and Luna has become one of my closest friends. But I know their struggles were different than mine. Sometimes harder.
My mom tucks her legs to her chest. Just like I tuck my legs to mine. “There are different ways to raise a kid in the public eye,” she tells me. “Your Aunt Lily and Aunt Rose—they did it different from me. Not better. Not worse. Just different.”
But I’ve always looked up to my mom.
I’ve wanted to be like her. If I had a baby, I always imagined I’d raise my kid the way she raised me and my sister.
Motherhood for me can’t be that, can it? I won’t be able to take my kids on daring adventures in the wilderness without the fear. Without legions of bodyguards.
I’m painfully stuck in the spotlight.
I chose this.
And I can’t hide.
I shouldn’t.
I’m quiet with this knowledge.
And I remember, Maximoff was never afraid. He was never afraid of the cameras that followed us to ski resorts and backpacking trips. Because he grew up to understand them more than I did. His parents helped him normalize the attention.
But Xander…
Xander’s not the same as his older brother.
My mom sees my indecision. “Staying indoors forever will chip away at you. You’re a Meadows. You’re not meant to be caged.”
A tear spills down my cheek. I brush it away. “I don’t want to put the baby at risk just for me. It’s selfish. I can wait seven more months indoors.” Confidence peels away from those words.
“Then what?” she asks. “You return to the land of the living? You’ll say the same thing when the baby is born. It’s safer to stay inside. Sullivan Minnie Meadows, you need to choose to live. I know it’s hard, but…”
“The hardest things are usually the right things,” I breathe my dad’s words.