Noah.
Jesus fucking Christ. Kiki was in bed with my brother.
“Sorry—go back to sleep!” I quickly shut the door and then ran to the bathroom.
For reasons I couldn’t wrap my head around, I burst into tears.
Kiki was at our small kitchen table when I got up in the morning and she met my gaze guiltily.
“Let me explain,” she said as soon as she saw me.
“Whatever it is, I don’t want to know,” I murmured, pouring a cup of coffee.
“Come on, don’t be mad. You know I’ve had a crush on him for years.”
“He’s an addict who’s barely hanging on by a thread!” I cried, turning around in frustration. “The last thing he needs is to fall in love and get his heart broken too!”
Her face fell a little as she looked at me. “That’s what you think of me? That I’d hurt him?”
“Not on purpose, but he’s a mess and you’ve never been the type of woman who’s going to put up with bullshit. The first time he steals money out of your purse or stands you up so he can stay home and get high, you’re going to dump him. And while you would be absolutely right for doing it, he can’t help himself and—”
“We already talked about all that,” she said quickly. “We’ve been texting all week and we sat up and talked all night last night. He knows he’s struggling and also that I won’t put up with his shit. But he also knows I’m here for him, and that I’ll help him if he wants to get clean again.”
“Did you already take him home?” I asked after a moment. There wasn’t much to say. I’d been down this road with him twice before, and though it hadn’t involved a woman last time, his downward spiral had started with his high school sweetheart and it felt like we’d come full circle.
“He said he didn’t want to fight with you and I told him I’d talk to you first.”
“Fine.”
“Please don’t be mad, Bri. I’ll never do anything to hurt him.”
“What do you even see in him?” I demanded in frustration. “I mean, he was a good-looking guy in general, before the drugs, but now he’s emaciated. His hair is stringy and long. His eyes are always glassy and haunted; he looks gross.”
“That’s what you see,” she said gently. “I see a guy who’s hurting, a guy who’s sick. I mean, if he looked like that because of cancer, would you feel the same way?”
“About his looks? Yes. About the rest of it, of course not.”
“Look, he took away your dreams of culinary school. I get it. You love him but you’re angry and resentful. And now you don’t want him to drag your best friend down, or on the flip side of that, get dragged down by me. But you have to trust us. And if not him, then at least me.”
“Well, it’s not like I can stop you.” I turned back to the counter and put a piece of bread in the toaster. I was still reeling from last night’s stupidity and didn’t have it in me to fight with my bestie.
“Noah said you came into my room last night—did something happen at work?”
“Not at work.”
“After work? You and Bash?”
“I’m such an idiot.” I hung my head.
“Oh, no. What happened?” She was beside me now, my steadfast best friend, just like she’d always been. Even after an argument.
I told her everything and she grimaced when I got to the part about not using a condom.
“Oh, honey, what’s going on with you?” she asked. “What made you say it was okay to not use a condom in the first place?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “It felt so good—he felt so good—and it was like he cast a spell on me or something. I was physically unable to stop myself. And then he fingered my butt…what the hell was I thinking?”
“That butt stuff feels good, right?”
I stared at her. “You’ve done it?”
“Sure. It’s awesome if the guy knows what he’s doing. I mean, not all the time. You know, it can be messy and all that, but it’s great as a special treat. Especially if I’ve been drinking.”
I made a face. “How come you’ve never talked about anal before?”
Kiki chewed the inside of her cheek, something she only did when she was nervous.
“Okay, spit it out,” I said, folding my arms.
“Bri, I love you to death. I do. You’re my ride-or-die, the bestest bestie of all besties, but you’re a little…uptight. You’re so serious all the time, and to be honest, I was afraid you’d be…judgmental.”
“Of you?” I was shocked.
She nodded. “I understand all the reasons why you’re serious and why you don’t drink and why you’re so careful, but you’re not them. Yes, addiction can be genetic, but you don’t drink or do drugs. So once that’s off the table, why can’t you enjoy wild sex with rock stars without running away? Why can’t you get experimental in the bedroom without freaking out? And mostly, why can’t you ever have a little fun?”
“I don’t know.” I honestly didn’t.
“Do you think you don’t deserve happiness because your family is so fucked up? Because you do. Just like Noah does. He’s an addict but he’s still a human being with feelings and a heart and emotions. He wants so badly to get better so he can enjoy life, all while fighting his addiction, and you’re fine but refuse to enjoy life because you come from a family of addicts. There’s something wrong here.”
“I know.” I sank into the chair across from her. “I don’t know what to do.”
“The first thing is call your doctor and have her do a blood test or something, just to be safe. My gut tells me he wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t clean, but it’s better to know.”
“Yeah.” I blew out a breath.
“And then we’re going to start going out. You spend far too much time at home when you’re not working. It’s time for you to live your life. I mean it, Bri. It’s like you’re punishing yourself for something you didn’t do.”
“Why are you so logical?” I asked her.
She shrugged. “I’m just awesome like that, I guess.”
I rested my chin on my fist. “What if he gave me the clap? Or crabs? Oh my god, what if he has AIDS?!”
Kiki rolled her eyes. “Okay, stop being a drama queen. Let’s go shopping.”
“I don’t have money to go shopping.”
“Yes, you do. You’re not going to culinary school this year and it’s not going to kill you to have a little fun. Come on, go get dressed.”
“Kiki…” I tried to protest, but she was already pushing me toward my bedroom.
“Call the doctor and then get dressed. I’m serious.”
I smiled at her. “Okay. I’m going.” I went into my room and sank down on my bed. I called the doctor, explained what had happened and they told me to come in next week since most things wouldn’t show up right away anyway. Which meant I had almost a week to wait and worry, but I felt a little better after talking to Kiki.