He shrugged, glancing at Lexi. “That’s up to Lexi.”
“Absolutely,” she said, nodding. “I’d love it.”
“Cool. You guys do your thing for a bit and I’ll jump in when the time is right.” Jayson settled against the wall next to Zaan, Ariel, and Lindsay.
This wasn’t exactly what we’d had in mind for tonight, but if Casey sent him here, she probably wanted him to do a song with us for the new album and I didn’t know how I felt about it. I glanced over at Tyler, and I could have sworn the same thoughts were running through his head as we made brief eye contact, but then it was gone and I counted off the beginning of our most popular song, called “Bedroom Lies.”
Tyler added the bassline and Ford joined in with the rhythm guitar before Stu brought in the lead guitar licks. Lexi’s voice was gritty for this song, a lower pitch than she usually sang, and it was always on point. Tonight, however, she was a little flat and halfway through the song, she held up a hand to stop us.
“I’m off,” she said, shaking her head.
“All right, have some water and let’s do it again,” Tyler called out.
We played that song a few times but it wasn’t quite up to par, and it seemed like no matter what we played, we were off. Though I’d been having some weird vibes lately, it hadn’t been because of these songs. We’d gone on tour with this set list and kicked ass all over the country, so there was something else going on now and it looked like I had to be the one to say something.
“Okay, let’s call it a day.” I put my sticks down and got up. I looked around at my bandmates, their significant others, and Jayson. “Jay, you think you could give us a few minutes? There’s something that needs to be said, but in private.”
“Absolutely.” He moved toward the exit.
“I’ll go too.” Zaan followed him out, with Lindsay and Ariel behind them, as if they too, sensed there was something big coming.
“What’s going on?” Tyler looked at me curiously.
“Whatever this is, it’s not working,” I said. “It’s not any of us as human beings, because I love every one of you. It’s not the music, because it fucking rocks. But something about this band, what we’re doing right now, isn’t working. Maybe it’s working for you but it’s not doing it for me. I don’t think I’m the only one who feels this way, but even if I am, we need to figure it out or maybe you need another drummer.”
I hadn’t known I was going to say that until the words came out, but now I realized I meant them.
“Are you serious right now?” Tyler looked shocked.
“I’m sorry.” I held up my hands. “I started feeling it towards the end of the tour, but I thought maybe I was just bummed about not being on the road anymore. I think it’s more than that, though.”
“Talk to us,” Lexi said quietly. “Because I feel it too but I can’t give you a reason.”
“That’s just it; there’s nothing specific. Mostly, it’s a vibe. We started off strong but something changed this past spring. I think there’s an unspoken disappointment that the album didn’t go platinum. That we’re not headlining. That we’re not picking up where Pretty Harts left off. I feel it, so I imagine the rest of you must feel something too.”
“I feel frustrated,” Lexi said quietly. “I was a star in my own right, though pop is a different thing. Bash, you and Ty were huge names in rock before this, and while Stu and Ford weren’t huge, they’re not unknown either. We have a perfect formula on paper, but…” Her voice trailed off. “Maybe it’s me. Maybe a female lead singer just isn’t going to work.”
“That’s crap,” Stu said, shaking his head. “Look at the women in rock both then and now—Pat Benatar, Doro Pesch, Lzzy Hale, Amy Lee. It can work. It does work.”
“I don’t think it’s any of you,” I said after a moment. “I think it’s me.”
Everyone looked at me. I could practically see the wheels turning as they all tried to formulate responses to convince me otherwise, but right now, in this moment, reality hit me pretty hard. I was the problem. Not with our success, or our music, but in general. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t know if it was just for now or if I was done for good, but right now, I didn’t want to be here.
“Are you quitting?” Tyler asked finally.
“I will if you want me to. I don’t want to drag us down. But if I’m not happy, it’s gonna show. Maybe not on an album, but definitely live.”
“But you played great today,” Tyler protested. “And I know you—we’ve played together for a long fucking time. I know when you’re off.”
“I can play with my eyes closed,” I admitted. “But my heart’s not in it and until I figure out why, I think we should…take a break.”
“A break?” Lexi echoed. She knew me best, both physically and emotionally. We’d dated for about six months, long before she and Zaan got back together or we met up again for Nobody’s Fool. She knew things about me no one else did, not even Tyler and Casey. Not that I had earth-shattering secrets, but she knew my insecurities, my internal struggles.
“I’m sorry.” I sank down on the edge of the makeshift stage, resting my forearms on my thighs. “I don’t want to fuck this up for you guys.”
“Is it a woman?” Tyler asked, sitting down next to me.
I smiled, thinking of Brianna, but shook my head. “Nah. Not the way you think. I’m in a funk and need to get my head on straight. There’s no one in my life causing it.”
“Then let’s take a month off,” Stu said. “I’ll go back to L.A. with Lindsay, and you guys can do your thing.”
“I think we’ve come too far to just write us off,” Tyler said quietly, his eyes meeting mine. “But a month off wouldn’t be the worst thing. Ariel and I never got a honeymoon so we could take it now.”
“And Zaan’s only off in the summer,” Lexi said, “so this is when we can spend time together.”
“And I guess I’ll be hanging out with my new girlfriend,” Ford added glumly. “We’re meeting for dinner at her place in L.A. next week, so that’s happening.”
No one said anything for a minute and I hated every second of this. I’d never felt this way in Pretty Harts and until recently, not with Nobody’s Fool either. I was definitely going through some kind of midlife crisis and it really sucked.
“I’m sorry, guys.”
And I was. More than they knew.
11
Brianna
* * *
The week between the night I’d had unprotected sex with Bash and my doctor’s appointment felt like ten years. I hadn’t slept for shit and I’d been a lot more excited to be going to the doctor than anyone should be. I tapped my foot impatiently as I waited to be called in and then answered the nurse’s million questions once I was in the examination room. Mostly, I wanted to see my doctor so I could ask her all the questions I had. I’d been online constantly, looking up symptoms for every possible thing he could have given me, but there was no sign of anything. The really bad stuff, like HIV, would take longer than a week to diagnose, so I just had to breathe and remind myself Declan seemed like a nice guy.