“James,” she said softly, pained.
“I came back, and ever since then I’ve tried to run both sides of my life at the same time, helping Dad while keeping my own business afloat too. I gave it everything I had, but I’ve known the truth for a long time. I’m never going to be happy fulfilling my dad’s dream. I’ve tried to break it to him gently, but he’s not hearing me. That’s what this trip was for. So you’re not the only one here with a mission. I’ve got a clock running, counting down the time until my dad catches up to us so I can tell him I want out. That the many years of grooming his sons to take over the family business were all for nothing.”
“Maybe he’ll understand. He’s a good man. I bet what he wants more than anything is for you to be happy.”
“Actually, what he wants is for me to be Jason,” James said. “But I’m not him. I can’t be. Not that it matters, because if my dad really needed me, I’d put my all into it in a heartbeat. But the thing is, he’s got a great team. He doesn’t actually need me there.”
“What about you?” she asked, feeling for him in a big way. The desire not to disappoint one’s parents is intense, even greater for James because of the loss of Jason. “What do you need?”
He looked surprised at the question, like maybe no one had ever asked him what he needed, which had her heart swelling until it felt too big for her rib cage.
“I need to be doing my thing,” he said quietly. “Running the expedition company has never felt like work to me. I can’t imagine not doing it. But splitting my focus is starting to affect both businesses.”
“How in the world have you been managing to do both? It must be killing you.”
“It’s taken a lot of juggling. And now my company’s growing faster than I can keep up with for the hours I can put into it. I just signed a huge corporate account that’ll keep me busy for the immediate future, and Google’s looking at me to be in charge of their team-building adventures. They want me to take their executive team to Madagascar as a test.”
She smiled, unbelievably proud of him. “Congrats, that’s huge. How much of this does your dad know?”
“None of it.”
She blinked. “Wait, so you’ve known how you felt for . . . five years, and you haven’t said a word?”
“I’ve tried to say many words.”
“Okay, but now you’re just going to drop the bomb on him here that the status quo no longer makes you happy and that’s it, you’re out? You walk away without looking back?”
He let a stunned beat of silence go by before asking quietly, “Why do I have the feeling we’re no longer talking about me and my dad, but about your mom?”
She covered her face. “I’m sorry. I’m not judging you. I’m . . . confused.”
He pulled her hands down, forcing her to look at him. “By this?”
“Yes.” She searched for the right words. “For me, happiness isn’t jumping off a cliff. For me, Vacation Happiness isn’t real.”
“Everything we do is real, Hannah. It’s all a part of life.”
“My life isn’t like yours.”
“I know.”
She looked at him, chest aching. “At the end of the day, we’re two very different people who want very different things out of life. Which is why I left six years ago.”
“And here I thought you ran because you were scared.”
This had her sucking in a breath because . . . well, because it was actually accurate. She could still remember making love with him for the first time that Christmas. The next morning he’d sat up, said he was going to go explore the world and wanted her to go with him. Essentially, he’d wanted her to give up her scholarship, her internship . . . everything. On a whim.
But she’d known she couldn’t maintain a relationship and get where she wanted to professionally, where she needed to go. She wanted stability and a steady future, unlike the one she’d had growing up with parents who’d each had their own agenda. “Not all of us have the luxury of doing whatever we want.”
“It’s a choice, Hannah. I work hard, but I also want to live hard, and I don’t see why I can’t do both.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“Because it is,” he said.
“It’s not like I don’t choose to be happy,” she said. “But it’s not what drives me. My work drives me.”
He looked at her for a long moment. “Maybe you should tell me what’s going on at work. What is it about this case that has you and your boss working around the clock?”
Once upon a time they’d told each other everything. Just as once upon a time, they’d been magic together. If that hadn’t changed—and given the sheer magnitude of their chemistry, it hadn’t—then she could tell him anything. She knew that. But this . . . this was going to hit him hard. “Are you sure?” she asked. “It might be difficult to hear.”
His eyes held her, serious, solemn. “Lay it on me.”
“I’m advocating for a patient who needs her fifteenth surgery on her heart. She’s four. Her insurance company refused to approve the surgery because there’s only a forty percent chance of her survival. But to her parents, forty percent is everything.” She met his gaze, knowing she was telling him a story his family had also been through. “She needs the surgery to live, James.”
He got to his feet and walked to the water.
Her gut sank as she took in the breadth of his shoulders and the weight on them. Because Jason had died according to this exact scenario—waiting on insurance approval.
Chapter Six
JAMES STOOD at the water’s edge looking out at . . . nothing. Normally just the soothing sound of the waves lapping at the shore would lower his heart rate and blood pressure, but not this time. His heart was pounding in his ears, the blood rushing through his veins. Because of Jason, yes. But also for Hannah. Here he’d always believed she’d misunderstood him, but he’d been the one to misunderstand her.
She came up at his side, her bare feet sinking into the wet sand, her loose brunette waves blowing around her face.
“I had no idea,” he said quietly. “No idea what you actually did, what your job entailed. It’s . . . incredible.” He reached for her hand, turning her to face him. “You’re incredible.” When her eyes went shiny, he pulled her closer. “I’ve always thought that, Hannah, with or without your job, but even more so now. You’re changing lives, making sure that some people get to live a healthier, longer life than they would’ve otherwise.”
She nodded and gave him a small smile, which he helplessly returned. “So I guess you were hoping to hand deliver a pretty big Christmas present to the girl’s family this week,” he said. “Instead your boss gets to.”
“Assuming we win. Only, as you know, that’s never a given.” She paused, as if searching for the right words. “It’s always great when I get to see the looks on their faces, but in the end, it doesn’t matter who delivers the news. All that matters is that the patient gets what they need.”