The thick, dense trees were beautiful, and then they slowly changed, growing a little more sparse before the ground became rife with volcanic rock. More and more scrub brush began to appear, large gray mule deer milling about and eating the sage off in the distance. He let Dierks Bentley and Tim McGraw provide a buffer between the two of them, but then some of the songs got a little bit sexy, and he turned the radio off, because that wasn’t helping anything at all.
Then they really did have silence. And it really was uncomfortable.
“When you get up here, take the sign that says John Day Fossil Beds,” she said.
“Okay,” he responded.
They’d left cell service behind a little while ago, the terrain around them wild.
“You ever been to the Painted Hills?”
“No,” he said.
“We need to stop there.”
“Do we?”
“Yes,” she said.
“Well, since you’re speaking to me again...”
“I just feel passionately about where I’m from,” she said. “And think that everybody should experience the natural beauty.”
“Now you just sound like a really angry tour guide.”
“I kind of am.”
He drove on, following her instructions, and the more words they said to each other, the easier it got to just keep talking. And maybe, if they said enough words, they could erase everything that had happened this morning, and the night before. It was wishful thinking on his part, but out there in the middle of nowhere, with the wild closing in around them, it seemed possible at least. And it made him feel a little bit more ready to let go of his irritation. A little bit.
“Turn up here.”
The road moved from pavement to dirt, and the side around them was like an alien planet. Rounded slopes of fine dust that moved in stripes. Red to white with inky black that looked like brushstrokes mixed in between.
“No points for guessing why they call it the Painted Hills.”
“No,” she said.
“Where do we go?”
“Pull over here.”
It was freezing out, but they pulled over and got out, putting their coats on. Callie led the way over a wooden walkway that wove through the scenery. He had never seen anything like it. He didn’t know there was a place like this out here. He’d been to Eastern Oregon plenty of times. To Pendleton for the roundup, and to Sisters for various events. But he hadn’t been out here. Hadn’t seen this strange, cold desert space that looked like an artist had physically painted it.
“Up here’s the viewpoint.”
He followed her up the hill that overlooked a vast expanse of these painted mountains. They were so bright and rich and strange. And he had the weirdest sensation of being small. He had felt jaded for a long damn time. Like the mystery and magic of life had been drained away when he’d lost his parents. And there was something... Gut punching in this moment, to stand there and look on something in his home state that he’d never seen. To feel like he was seeing the world with a fresh set of eyes. It wasn’t anything he’d expected, wasn’t anything he thought was even possible.
“It’s incredible, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. It is,” he said, his chest feeling tight.
“I love it out here. It’s honest. It’s not... I love the rodeo. But I have to play a part in it. I have to be as tough as the cowboys, right? If I want to do what they do.”
“You just have to be you. If you, Callie Carson, are capable of competing against them, what the hell do you care if you’re like them or not?”
Her lips twitched, her eyes fixed on the horizon. “I have to be taken seriously.”
“Why?” he asked.
She looked away from him and he could see her working on the words. “I don’t know. Because I have to be.”
Her words were stubborn and confused all at once.
“Look, Callie, let’s call a truce. We can’t go walking into your parents’ house acting like we hate each other. And we’ve known each other a hell of a lot longer than it took us to kiss. It was just a kiss.”
“Right.”
“Proves my point, though,” he said, his voice low.
“Oh, what? That I’m a virgin who would be forever ruined by your magic hands?”
He cleared his throat. “Just saying.” He tried not to let any of that penetrate deeper than the surface. Because he didn’t need to go overthinking it.
“I don’t want any of that. I don’t. It’s... It’s embarrassing. Have someone say that kind of stuff to you. I was mad at you. You were an ass.”
“Sure,” he said. “I can’t deny that.”
“Because you were the one that was shaken.”
“Callie...”
“No, listen to me for a minute. Out here, there’s no one to hear us, and we can have our truce after. I promise. I have to be better than my brothers. I have to be flawless. I have to be... I don’t know, I just feel like I’m the replacement child, and I can’t measure up so I have to make a whole new metric. And I haven’t been exceptional. I fell. I hurt myself. I broke my arm.”
“Don’t tell me Boone has never broken his arm.”
“It doesn’t matter. I can’t. I need to somehow be more invincible. Because I have to prove to them that I can do this. I’m lost in this family. They’re all... Rodeo royalty. Superstars at what they do. They’re bigger and stronger and my dad is so proud of them. And I’ve just never been able to... To do the right things. I thought I could. I thought I did. But then...this proved I didn’t. It’s like I was born into the wrong... Everything. I don’t fit. I need to find that place that I fit. If I don’t... Well, I can’t think about it. So, as nice as the kiss was, everything around it was terrible. And I don’t want another one. And I won’t be ready for one from anyone until... Until the rest of this is handled.”
“Well, sorry that all the rest of it was terrible.”
“I forgive you. Because you’re right. We’ve been friends a long time. And that was just... What, six seconds?”
“Yep.”
“Shorter than a good ride.”
“Shorter than a good ride.”
But the world was alien around him, and Callie felt similarly alien next to him. And it wasn’t all that simple. But she needed it to be. And he knew that it had to be. So he just had to get it together. Get it together and deal with himself.