“It kills me that you’ve gone through so much that you need to do that, but I get it, and I’m sorry. Not for kissing you senseless, but that it made you feel that way.”
She took his hand and said, “The thing is, kissing you was the best feeling in the world. I felt happy and safe and I wanted to kiss you. I still do. That’s why I asked you to leave.” Her voice softened. “Because you are good, and you deserve to be with someone who isn’t broken, someone who knows how to have a relationship without freaking out.”
He brushed her tears away, his hand lingering on her cheek for a moment. “That doesn’t work for me, Cait. I’ve never felt what I feel for you for anyone else. I don’t know where we’ll end up, or if we’ll last a month or fifty years. But I know I don’t want to walk away from you, and if that means we deal with freak-outs, then it does. We’ll get through them and hopefully come out stronger on the other side. Because you’re not broken, Cait. Your trust has been abused by broken people. There’s a big difference.”
More tears spilled from her eyes, and she swiped at them. “I’m pretty messed up. I mean, look at me.” She held out her arms. “I tattoo reminders of the things I’ve been through on my body—webs of deceit, rooms I’ve been locked in, pains I’ve suffered—so I never forget to look beyond what people want me to see.”
“The people who hurt you are messed up, not you. Your tattoos show me that you’re smart enough to know you need those reminders and strong enough to heed them. But you’re not messed up, babe. You’re scared. You’ve learned that men lie and they hurt you. But I saw you with Tank and his brothers, and I’ve seen you with your sisters. You know how to trust. It seems to me it’s trusting someone as more than a friend that scares you, and after what you’ve gone through, it should scare you.”
She lowered her teary eyes.
“Please look at me, angel.” When she did, he said, “Your fear is a reflection of the people who hurt you, not a weakness or a defect. It’s pure survival instinct. It means you’re strong, Cait. A weaker person would never try to break the cycle.”
“I want to break it more than anything,” she said almost angrily. “I’ve been trying, doing all the right things. Tank hooked me up with a therapist a few months after we met, and I saw her for a little more than two years. I’ve been in a really great place. But I haven’t had a romantic relationship with a man to test it all out, and then I saw you and something—everything—inside me lit up. Suddenly I wanted to spend time with you and do a lot more, which was terrifying, and I guess, along with meeting my sisters and finding out about Ava, it dredged up all those old memories.”
She pushed to her feet and paced. “I hate living with this crap in my head. I hate that my father and those two jerks had the power to take away my chance at having a normal life. I’m tired of trying to figure out who to trust, so I stay in this little bubble of safety on the Cape with Tank and our friends there. But these last three months have changed everything. I miss Abby and Aiden when I’m at the Cape, and I miss Dee because she’s far away. And you have to understand that I’ve never missed people like that before. Then there’s you, and everything is different with you, more intense. I don’t even know what to do with all the feelings I have for you, and we’re not even dating.”
She looked him in the eye and said, “I want what Abby and Aiden have and what Jules and Grant have. I want to be able to kiss you without losing my freaking mind. But I didn’t grow up like you did.” Her voice escalated. “While you were out at bonfires and barbecues, I was walking on eggshells, wondering if I’d get pushed into a wall or have my arm squeezed so hard, I’d have bruises for a week. I didn’t have friends or birthday parties, or go swimming, or anything like that because someone might see my bruises.”
Her every word broke his heart. He wanted to hunt down her father and tear him apart, along with the other cretins who had hurt her. “You’ve been hiding one way or another for your whole life. It’s no wonder you looked like you’d woken up in a foreign land when you came here three months ago. You walked into the most open and communicative community around, where all the parents love and practically raise each other’s kids. I can see how it would all be overwhelming.”
“It is, and I’m sick of feeling that way. I want to trust you,” she said sharply. “But it’s not just you. I haven’t even told my sisters about my past, and I know it holds me back from getting close to them. It’s really hard keeping these kinds of secrets. They’re like villains that only I can see standing between me and the rest of the world. You know that letter that fell out of my backpack on the boat? It’s from Ava, and I can’t even open it yet, because I don’t want to know if there are any more secrets. We found out that she and my adoptive mother were in touch until my mom died. My father cut off all communication, and who knows, maybe if my mom had lived, I could have met Ava while she was still alive.”
She huffed out a breath, still pacing. “I want to move forward. I want to tell my sisters about my past. They’ve been nothing but open and honest with me. But it’s scary talking about it. Just like the prospect of being with you is scary. I have so much at stake. If I give in to my feelings for you and then I blow it, where does that leave my sisters? I don’t want them to have to choose between you and me. And as I’m saying all of this, I realize it’s even bigger than that. This whole community has welcomed me with open arms. All of my sisters’ friends, your friends, your family, Shelley and Faye. There’s all this love out there, and as much as I want it, I’m not sure how to accept it or love them back.”
She wiped her eyes and sank down beside him on the couch. “I’m sorry for dumping all my crap on you.” She leaned her elbows on her knees and covered her face with her hands. “This is why you should be with someone who isn’t drowning in bad memories.” She dropped her hands and looked at him. “I don’t want to bring you down with me.”
“You’re not going down, and you’re not going to push me away. Caity, you deserve to be with a man who understands everything you just shared and all the things you haven’t. A man who will be patient when you’re struggling and help you find your way to the other side of the abuse you’ve suffered. You deserve to be adored.” She lowered her eyes, and he lifted her chin, brushing away her tears. “I want to be that guy, babe, and I think you want me to be him, too, or you wouldn’t trust me enough to share what you have with me.”
She curled her fingers around his, her eyes tearing up again. “I can’t believe you still want to be with me.”
“I see you, Cait, and I want to be with you. I like who you are whether you’re wearing full-body armor or you let it slip and your heart leads you. If you let me in, I believe we’ll find the person you’re meant to be. But here’s the other thing you need to know. Whether you choose to be with me or not, I will never let anyone hurt you again. I know you have Tank and his brothers at the Cape, but now you’ve got me, too. Okay?”
She nodded, breathing harder, holding his hand tighter. She opened her mouth, but no words came.