“I want to be with you,” she said. “I want to be here for you.”
“I can’t.” He ripped his hand out of her grasp. “I can’t handle this right now. Zara, please just go.”
* * *
• • •
The nightmare woke him. It was always the same. One moment he was trading jokes with JD. The next moment JD was gone, and the world was smoke and fire and twisted metal and a hole where the controls were supposed to be. And then he was falling, spinning, the wind whistling through the shattered window, men screaming . . . Storm. Where was Storm? So much loss. So many souls. His heart breaking. The ground rushed up to greet him and he braced for the impact. This time he would do it right. This time he would go with them. This time he would be free.
“Jay. Wake up.”
Heart racing, Jay jerked awake, his body drenched in sweat, his stomach roiling. Half in and half out of the nightmare, he shook his head, tried to clear the cobwebs from his brain. It had been worse this time, so much worse. So real. He could still smell the fuel, still feel the ache in his chest from the harness, the burn on his hand when he’d reached for a yoke and found flames instead.
“Jay.”
A woman’s voice. Low. Urgent. A waver of fear. Still, he didn’t understand. Still, he heard the screams, felt terror wrap icy fingers around his heart.
“It’s me. Zara.”
He blinked, vision clearing as he pulled himself out of the nightmare. Zara stood at the foot of his bed, one hand over her eye. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to check on you. When you didn’t answer the door, I asked your super to let me in. He knew me from the last time I was here. He was picking crab apples, and I gave him my aunt’s recipe for crab apple jelly . . .” She trailed off, shaking her head. “It doesn’t matter. You were having another nightmare. Worse than the other ones. I shook you and . . .” She dropped her hand. “I shouldn’t have touched you.”
He stared at her in horror. “I hurt you.”
“I’m okay,” she said lightly. “No damage. I just need some ice.”
He pushed himself up, jaw clenched at the raw sting of being so brutally exposed. “You shouldn’t be here.”
“I was worried about you. When I found out your mom was out of surgery, I called but you didn’t answer. A nurse at the hospital said a doctor had checked you out and insisted you go home. Did he give you something to help you sleep? I can ask Parvati . . .”
“No. I don’t need anything.” He was barely hanging on, his emotions raw and bare, the dark silent part of him still caught in the threads of the nightmare. He’d lost everyone—JD, his men, Storm. Tonight he’d almost lost his mom. And now Zara was here, seeing him weak when he was supposed to be strong, suffering because he’d lost control of his demons. He was no good for anyone. He’d been a fool to think he was. “Go home, Zara. Leave me alone.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” she said firmly. “If this were my family and my dad was in the hospital, I wouldn’t be alone for a minute. My apartment would be filled with aunties and uncles, the counters would be heaving with food, and someone would have rented a room in the hospital so people could be there for him when he woke up. We are not meant to go through life’s challenges alone. We don’t have to shoulder all the burdens. That’s what family is for, and since your family is in the hospital, you get me. I don’t have to sleep with you. The couch is fine. But if you need to talk, or you need a hug, or you just need to turn on the television and have a warm body beside you, I’m here. I’m not a great cook like my aunties, but I’ve brought some groceries and I stopped at an Indian restaurant to bring some takeout so you’re not going to starve.” She turned away. “I’ll be in the living room if you need me.”
Something cracked inside him, spilling emotions all over the place. He waited until he heard banging in the kitchen and then he slammed the door.
• 24 •
“Don’t even think about it.” Jay’s mother lifted a warning eyebrow when he walked into the hospital room she shared with Rick. After three days of heavy sedation following her surgery, she was finally lucid and aware. By contrast, after waking every morning to find Zara on his couch and his kitchen full of food, Jay was still angry and confused. Why wouldn’t she just sleep at home? Why did she come over every evening just to sit alone on his couch? Couldn’t she see from his closed door that he didn’t want her there? Apparently she couldn’t take a hint because every night she showed up to do it all again. What the hell was she trying to prove?
“What are you talking about?” He put a potted plant on the windowsill beside an enormous bouquet of roses, and dozens of colorful cards from the kids at her daycare. “Can’t a son visit his mother in the hospital after she’s been in a serious accident?”
“I know you.” She gave him an admonishing look. “You’re planning to ground me. Well, I will not be driven around in a fancy limo like I’m some big-shot celebrity. As soon as I get the all clear from the doctor, I’m buying a new car.”
“I told her a Hummer H2 is the way to go.” Rick gave him a nod when he pulled up a chair beside his mother’s bed. “That thing is built like a tank. No one’s gonna hurt her in three quarters of a ton of solid steel.”
“For once, I agree with you.” His mother had escaped with a concussion, a broken arm, internal injuries, and two broken ribs. Rick had taken the brunt of the impact, suffering a broken leg, a shattered collarbone, a punctured spleen, and more. The airbags had saved their lives but had left their faces a mass of bruises.
“I’m not driving a Hummer around San Francisco.” She winced when she sank back in the bed.
Jay jumped up from his seat. “You want me to get the nurse? Do you need something for the pain?”
“I’m fine.” She waved him back down.
“I’m not fine,” Rick said. “The food here is shit. I sent one of my buddies out for some pizza and wings. He’s getting your mom a couple of fish tacos and some of that healthy green juice that tastes like grass.”
“Are you allowed to eat outside food?” He couldn’t believe they could even chew with their faces so swollen and bruised.
“Nothing wrong with the stomach.” Rick slapped his belly with his unbroken hand. “It’s the padding. If I looked like you, I’d probably be dead. You’ve got no body fat. Go eat a couple of burgers, drink a few milkshakes, maybe get something deep fried. Calories save lives. I should put that on a T-shirt.” He looked over at Jay’s mom. “Hey, babe. What do you think? We could get his ’n’ hers to wear under our jackets on our trip.”