The words were throwaway, a simple remark.
So why did I feel them in my soul?
Why was I stupidly jealous of a guy on a book cover?
I rubbed my chin as I looked at her: my woman, my wife. Mine.
“What’s wrong?”
I shot Eoghan a tired smile. “Nothing.”
He frowned. “Not sure I believe you. You look exhausted.”
“I am. Problems with the architects, with Hanover Corp. Every fucking where I turn, problems.”
“That’s normal.” Eoghan pulled a face. “Are you... ill or something?”
I frowned back at him. “Do I look ill?”
“I don't know. Something's going on with you. Mostly you just look like you need a nap. A long one.”
I had to laugh. “Yeah. I could probably go for one of those.”
His head tipped to the side. “You can tell me what’s going on with you, you know?”
“Nothing’s going on with me.”
“Thought you were happy with how the latest projections were looking?”
“I am. We’re on target to make five hundred mil by the second quarter.”
“So why do you look like you could put a gun to your head and pull the trigger?”
My eyes bugged. “Jesus Christ, Eoghan. I’d never do that! Fuck, I got a family. Another kid coming before the end of the year.”
He shrugged. “Never said you’d do it, just said that you looked that way.”
Knowing Aoife hadn't overheard when she was deep into a conversation about the book she and Inessa were buddy reading, I scrubbed a hand over my face. “You're right. Just need to sleep. That’s all.”
“Well, we can look after Jacob if you want.”
Despite myself, I had to smile. “I’d like my kid to come back to me the next morning. Neither you nor Inessa are exactly kid friendly.”
“I can keep Jake alive. He’ll sleep for most of it, won’t he?”
I squinted at him. “You been waiting to offer to babysit until he sleeps through the night?”
He smirked at me. “Do I look like an idiot? Of course, I waited. Ma’s been bitching at me to babysit though. She thinks it’ll make me want to start a family.”
“Trust me, you have a kid for longer than four hours, you’ll realize you don’t.” Then, I conceded, “Well, when they’re not yours. Wouldn’t give Jake up for the world. Even if he did shit up my arms a few times.”
“Jesus H. Christ. He shat on your arms?”
“I don’t think he did it on purpose,” I said, chuckling at his expression of horror. “I mean, he didn’t shout, ‘Take aim and fire!’”
“Well, it sounds pretty fucking premeditated to me.”
“Can you aim where you shit if you’re on your back?”
“That’s not one of my kinks, so the fuck if I know.”
“Anyway, point is, kids are awesome when they’re yours.”
Eoghan shrugged. “Inessa’s barely out of high school. Why the fuck would I make her be a mom when she’s still a teenager?”
“Makes you sound like a pervert.”
“Trust me, I fucking feel like it sometimes when she and Victoria go on about K-pop.”
“What’s that?”
“I listen and I still don’t know. Bunch of Korean guys doing coordinated dances as far as I can tell. She wanted to go to Korea for our goddamn honeymoon, but I convinced her to go to Ireland.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Because it’ll rain all the time. Do I look like a dumbass?”
“Why the fuck would you want it to rain? Never heard of Aruba?”
“I don’t want to leave that room for at least half the trip.”
Snickering, I told him, “If you don’t want kids, then go equipped.”
“I’ll have more condoms with me than a goddamn Trojan factory.”
My lips curved but I advised, “Don’t let Lena pressure you into having kids if you’re not ready for them.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t. But I can still babysit if you guys need some time together.”
“To bang?”
“Well, you said it.” He arched a brow. “I actually meant to sleep. Although Aoife doesn’t look as rough as you. Which, considering she's percolating another human being, says a lot about how shitty you look.”
I shot my beautiful wife another glance and murmured, “No. She’s always gorgeous.” If anything, she was more beautiful when she was pregnant.
It was a tragedy that she'd been robbed of the ability to have the large family she wanted.
All because that fucking asshole Callum O'Reilly had sold us out.
They said secrets gnawed at you, but they did more than that. They ate you alive. Ate you from the inside out. And thanks to Callum O’Reilly, I had another one weighing down my soul.
“Why do you sound so fucking sad? Jesus, Finn, what’s going on with you? Don’t make me bring in Aidan to torture it out of you.”
“Not Brennan?”
“Well, we don’t want you dead.”
I shook my head and, laughing, told him, “You have a point. Although Aidan can be pretty fucking deadly when he chooses to be.”
“Bren’s made it an art form.”
“This is true. You’re also quite good at it.”
Eoghan dismissed that. “It’s different when you’re a thousand yards away.”
“Is it? Still taking a life, ain’t it?”
“It’s different. Trust me, the U.S. Army invested a couple million into making me not worry about my kills,” he said, totally unfazed.
I fell silent at his words, but it didn’t stop me from asking, “Doesn’t the guilt eat away at you?”
“You wanna know if sometimes I get in the fucking shower and weep like a baby when I think about how much blood is on my soul?”
We shared a glance.
A loaded one.
“What have you done?” Eoghan grated out after a few minutes.
“Nothing.”
He scowled at me. “Don’t fucking bullshit me.”
“I didn’t do anything,” I muttered, scraping a hand over my face. “That’s the problem.”
“Someone else did?”
“Yeah.”
“What?”
“I can’t say. It would change things. Change every-fucking-thing, in fact.”
“I can’t tell you not to worry about it because we both know that isn’t always doable.” He rubbed a thumb along his bottom lip. “But we can talk about it. If you want. I won’t say shit to anyone. I know Junior’s your man..." He heaved a sigh. "Can we cut the bullshit?"
I arched a brow. "By all means."
Eoghan hesitated a second before stating, “It has to be the worst kept secret in the family, but I know you’re Da's son, Finn. I've known for a while."
For a second, I just froze. Aidan knew now. At St. Patrick's church before we'd razed the fucker to the ground, he'd asked me for confirmation, and I wasn't about to lie. Neither was I about to lie now.
"Yeah, I'm his son," I said gruffly, the words still not falling from my lips with ease. If anything, it got harder to say them out loud, not easier.