I clung to him as much as he clung to me, well aware that this might be the last fucking time Aoife let me anywhere near him.
Christ, we’d lost our baby because of the shit I’d put her through these past couple days… I had to… We needed to…
Fuck, I didn’t know what to do.
I’d decided that I’d just carry on with life. Let her do her shit. I’d do mine. Eventually, she’d come around, right? She had to. But now, this was different.
We’d lost our child because of my bullshit.
I had to pay for that sin.
Squeezing Jake, I pressed my lips to his temple and breathed in his baby scent. It was a combo of baby shampoo and wipes and that sickly sweet softener that Aoife used for his clothes.
I wasn’t sure how I’d cope not seeing him every day and every night, but if Aoife tossed my ass out...
With my back to the waiting room, I didn’t see the doctor come in, but I heard footsteps.
Turning around to face him, I saw the combination of anger and fear in his expression—a sight I was accustomed to seeing when Senior waded into any given situation—and demanded, “How is she?”
When I stepped over to him, he backed down the hallway, and I moved with him, seeing that he wanted privacy.
“She’s stable. It took some time because there were complications—”
“What kind of complications?” Lena asked, slipping beside me.
She had no right to be here, but when her hand found mine, nonetheless, I clung to her.
“More blood loss than anticipated in situations like these. With your wife’s medical history, we were fortunate that we didn’t have to give her an emergency hysterectomy.
“After speaking with her OBGYN, I understand that she advised this pregnancy be terminated, Mr. O’Grady.” He cast a disparaging glance at me. “Everyone knows your family is Catholic, but when a doctor advises a termination, religion shouldn’t be a part of the decision.”
As I tried to process what he'd just told me, all I could think to say was, “The baby was…”
Lena squeezed my hand. “The pregnancy wasn’t viable, Finn. Aoife found out that day you… she…” She sighed miserably. “You know, that day.”
I tipped up my chin and untangled my fingers from hers.
Of course.
Of course, fate would be so fucking kind as to have my wife discover the truth about our baby on the day that I confessed all my sins.
I held it together for as long as the doctor explained how the next few hours were shaped, what would happen and when I’d be able to see her, and the second he left, I turned to Lena and demanded, “You knew?”
She shot me a commiserating glance. “I did.”
Jaw clenched, I rasped, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because not only was it not for me to share, but I didn't have the opportunity to talk to you anyway.”
She’d called several times since Aoife had thrown her out of our home, but I’d let the phone ring off on each occasion. I owed Aoife that and a hell of a lot more.
Even this, now, was a betrayal.
I rubbed a hand over my face. “What the fuck am I going to do, Lena?”
She hesitated a second, but then she rubbed my arm. “Miscarriages… men treat them like they don’t matter, but you have to understand, son, that they do.
“To a woman, they do. We feel their loss and we grieve for them as if they were—” Her words waned. “Aidan might not be the best in certain situations, but he always got that. He felt the loss as much as I did.”
“You miscarried?”
“Twice.” She tipped up her chin. “Before and after Brennan. He and Conor were my rainbow babies.”
“Rainbow babies?”
“They didn’t have that name back then. We just had to grieve on our own and pretend we weren’t grieving. Pretty much like we had post-partum depression, but it didn’t have a name, and we had to get over it…” She cleared her throat. “You have to be there for her, Finn.”
“Of course, I’ll be there for her. Jesus, Lena. That wasn’t even what I was asking. What if she doesn’t want me to be there period? She could rest this at my door, and I’m not sure I’d blame her.”
Her smile was sad. “The pregnancy wasn’t viable, Finn. This could have happened at any moment. It isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s just… It’s just life.”
“How the fuck am I supposed to make this better?”
“You can’t. You just be there. And she will want you there. She loves you, Finn. You love her. These are the times that will bring you closer together or tear you apart.” She reached up and cupped my chin. “I wish you hadn’t gone through this already, but you have. You know what to do—just be yourself.”
“It’s different now.” I gulped. “She knows everything.”
“And she has every right to be mad and bitter about it,” was her simple retort. Though the words were simple, her pain shadowed each one. “So let her. Let her get angry. Let her rage at you. Let her burn off her temper and her grief.
“But when she wants to cry, don’t allow her to hide those tears.” Her fingers traced underneath my eye where I could feel the slickness from my own. “Shed these with her, share them with her. Grieve together or you really will lose her.
“You have some dark days ahead of you, sweetheart. She… she hates me, rightfully so, and that will mean she won’t want to visit on Sundays. Don’t force her, okay?” She touched my arm. “I understand that she doesn’t want to come and eat with us, and if your father doesn’t, then I’ll make sure he keeps out of it. Or try to. Just concentrate on getting things back on the right track.”
“What if that’s not possible?”
“Some people are just destined to be, Finn. You and Aoife are that.” She reached up onto her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to my cheek. “You’ll get through this, son. I know you will.”
Thirty-One
Aoife
Life had a funny way of showing you your priorities.
When I woke up the first time, I wanted Finn. And Jen. But mostly Finn. I wanted him at my side. I wanted him there, bolstering me, having my back, and going through this with me.
We were a team, after all.
A team.
I figured that out fast when they tried to get him to leave the room, and the second he saw my tears, he growled, “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stand over there in the corner, but I’m not leaving her.”
God, I needed to hear those words. I needed to hear them so badly.
His declaration made the tears dry up, and while the doctors were justifiably annoyed, it made it easier on me to have my eyes on him as they gave me a checkup.
It was insane but I missed Lena and my mom equally during those moments. I’d come to rely on Lena, but there was and always would be a gaping hole where she used to fit.
As for my mom, the grief doubled down, twisting me up inside until I sobbed myself to sleep.
Drifting in and out of consciousness, I was surprised when I woke up again and found Jake sleeping on Finn’s chest. He looked uncomfortable as hell, and Finn didn’t look that much better. His mouth was tight, his expression grim as he stared down at his feet.