Forgiveness would take time, and letting my resentment die would as well, but I didn’t want to do any of this without him. Didn’t want to wake up tomorrow without him in my bed like I’d done this morning. Didn’t want to go to sleep without him at my side.
And that was what divorce would mean.
An empty bed.
One set of silverware at the table for dinner.
One plate in the dishwasher.
No hand to hold as I watched TV.
And it wasn’t just that I’d be alone. It was that the other set of silverware, that the hand I should be holding, belonged to Finn.
My Finn.
Finn and Aoife, that was us.
We were a team.
We were a team.
I twisted away from the counter, leaving the loaves to their pristine perfection. But as I did, I stared at the space where I’d collapsed.
Where my blood had pooled.
I could remember Jake twining my hair with Jen’s as she sobbed and tried to help me.
I could remember the pain of my baby dying.
And even more recently, I felt the anger and the hate that had seen me raise a hand to my husband. Again.
Needing to escape, I stepped out into the hall, but as I walked away from those memories, I dove deep into some new ones.
Sobbing on the floor as Lena comforted me, the news my baby was malformed a lead weight in my heart.
Watching Lena scurry away at my request that she leave my home, her telling me our friendship was atonement before I hurled a vase at her.
I stepped into the living room where, years before, I’d seen Aidan Sr. torturing one of his business associates—that had happened the very first day I’d met Finn.
Veering into my bedroom triggered memories of the tears I’d shed when I’d researched the surgeries it would take for a baby with sirenomelia to survive.
It wasn’t the first time I’d cried in that bed, either.
I’d suffered three miscarriages now, and all of them had happened within these walls, under this roof.
Then there was my recovery from the drive-by shooting on our wedding day… something that had only happened because the Points had been infiltrated by the Sparrows. Where this apartment had been invaded, where my safety had been compromised. Yet again.
Changing the decor hadn’t changed what I’d endured here.
The pain of the past, the memories, choked me.
But as much as they did, it was nothing to Finn’s revelations.
His secrets had sunk into the walls themselves, lining each inch with words that would never be erased.
There was regret built into the foundations of the building. Lies. Resentment.
And I knew I didn’t want to be here anymore.
Simple.
“I can’t be here anymore.”
I said the words aloud, but it was only then that I realized how out of control my breathing was.
When Finn had called, I knew my heart had started racing, but it was only now that I felt like I was running even though I was standing still.
My ears raced with the sound of my pulse, and my skin felt clammy.
I staggered over to the bed, widened my thighs, and plopped my head between them.
It took a hellishly long time for my heart to calm down, for my lungs to stop burning.
I felt sick, but for all that I was shaken, resolve filled me, and it gave me the strength I needed to stand up. To take a deep breath and to exhale, and to do it again.
Slowly.
To calm myself down.
Gradually.
After five minutes of self-soothing, I knew what I had to do.
Grabbing my phone, I tucked it into my purse before I headed into Jake’s room. He’d been napping off and on all day, and I watched him squeeze his toes with his hands so I knew he was awake.
There was joy in this room, but it wasn’t enough to make me want to stay here.
I picked him up and got him ready to head out, and as I did, Louise rang me.
Finn’s call was the final straw for this apartment.
I believed him.
I was well aware that he wasn’t interested in Louise.
I’d seen the way she looked at him, and I knew how he looked at me.
But it was me reaching the end of my rope.
Me needing to be somewhere else.
Me needing to be somewhere different.
Somewhere fresh. Clean. Untarnished.
As I dressed my son, I hit connect and I prepared myself for whatever she was about to say.
“A-Aoife,” Louise sobbed. “F-Finn just tried to assault me.”
I narrowed my eyes at the wet wipes, but I stayed silent.
“Aoife?” she shrieked. “Can you hear me?”
“What do you want me to do about it, Louise? If he assaulted you, then you should go to the cops.”
A shocked breath sounded down the line. “What?!”
“If he assaulted you, then you should go to the cops.”
“I-I don’t understand,” she whispered.
“What’s not to understand? You need to report him if he hurt you.”
“But you—”
“No buts,” I said calmly when I was the opposite of calm. “However, if you’re lying, and I know you are, then I wouldn’t go to the police. They don’t appreciate having their time wasted.”
“How could you say that, Aoife? Why would I lie?”
“To save face? To make sure that I didn’t fire you even though you came onto my husband? I can think of several more reasons but I’m pretty sure you’ll sue for wrongful termination whatever I say.
“But I’ll tell you this, Louise, you have two choices. You either go to the cops and report the assault or you’re fired.”
“You can’t do that!” she snarled.
“I think you’ll find I can. There are several occasions where you’ve underperformed recently, and I’m well within my rights to fire you for them.”
“What like?”
“Failing to file a claim for an injury is a health code violation, and it could cause trouble with OSHA,” I said flatly.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this!”
“No? You must really think I’m a fool then.” I pursed my lips. “Of course, just show me that you filed a report with the cops and you’re more than welcome at the bakery in the morning.”
She cut the call.
I leaned over to press a kiss to Jake’s belly and said, “Let’s see what that snake does, baby, hmm?”
He chatted away at me, totally unaware of what had just gone down, totally unaffected because I’d kept my voice pleasant and calm at all times.
I had faith in my husband when it came to other women.
I trusted him in this when my self-esteem, before him, had always been shitty.
That trust and faith had to get us through the next weeks and months ahead.
He’d made a mistake. He’d protected the wrong people. But I knew he’d never do that again.
But I needed a fresh start.
We needed a fresh start.
So with Jake clean and ready to leave, I put him on the floor so he could shuffle around as I stocked my diaper bag up for a day.
With that packed, I reached for my phone, and I reserved a hotel room for us before I picked Jake up again. That done, I walked into the hall with him, where I called downstairs through the intercom.
“John?”
It took a second for someone to answer. “It’s Braden, Aoife.”