“I’ve never given you cause to worry,” I said stiffly.
“No,” she agreed.
“Then what’s this about?”
“My New Year’s resolution.”
“It’s March.”
She shrugged. “Better late than never. I didn’t want to stay in the penthouse tonight.”
“You couldn’t have just said that?” I growled.
“You told me yourself you’d see me tonight, and I knew the guards would keep you in the loop about my location—”
“You moved out of our apartment!” I snapped. “And you didn’t tell me dick.”
“I moved to a hotel around the block from your office, Finn,” she retorted. “You can walk to work in less than five minutes. If you think this was me leaving you, then why would I have moved so goddamn close to where you spend most of your days?”
Logically, I knew she was right. I’d gotten into my car and two minutes later, I could climb out of it again in Acuig’s parking garage. But this wasn’t about logic, was it?
“You should have talked to me.”
“I couldn’t talk. I was having a panic attack. But I knew I had to get out of there.”
Hurt flickered inside me, as well as concern. “Are you okay now?”
I started to step closer to her, my hand outstretched, but I hovered in place, uncertain of my welcome.
Her gaze drifted to my hand. “Don’t I look okay?” was all she said.
I took her in, saw her cheeks were bright pink, and she…
Surprise welled inside me.
She wasn’t covered in flour. Her color wasn’t phenomenal, but her pallor was better. She didn’t wear that harried frown I was growing used to seeing, and it was an odd thing to notice, but I swore she stood taller.
“You left our home,” I repeated.
“I did. That place is…” She straightened her shoulders. “I don’t want to live there anymore.”
“What?” I barked, groaning under my breath when Jake started sniffling.
“I don’t want any of us to live there anymore,” she clarified, and while her words made my heart stop racing, I still had to pick apart what was happening here.
“You want me to move out?”
“No, Finn. Have you got selective hearing or something? I’m not leaving you. We’re not splitting up—”
“But you… I… we…” My mouth firmed as relief hit me harder than Brennan’s fist in a fight. I stared at her, so fucking thankful and relieved and agitated all at the same time, but I had to get this out, had to remind her of a truth that wasn’t going anywhere. “I arranged for a vasectomy.”
Hurt brought shadows in her eyes. “I understand.”
“Do you?” I demanded. “Do you understand that I can’t live without you?”
She shuffled forward and surprised me by sliding her hand around my waist and pressing her face to my other shoulder. I hugged her back, tucking her tighter into me, holding my world in my arms.
“I understand,” she breathed, but I heard her sadness.
“All the money in the world won’t fix this,” I whispered against her hair, rubbing my chin over the crown of her head. “I wish it would. I’d throw millions at it if I could give you what you wanted.”
“I know you would,” she whispered.
“We could—” I almost bit back the words, until I continued, “We can adopt, Aoife. I can throw money at that so our ties to the Five Points fade away. I can get you the family you want that way. But I can’t risk you, baby. I can’t knowingly endanger you. Please, don’t ask me to do that again.”
She squeezed me. “I won’t. And I’ll think about it. Finn?”
Sagging with relief that she accepted what I was going to do without argument, I leaned against her as I asked, “Yeah?”
“I need to never step foot in that apartment again.”
Carefully pulling apart that sentence, I queried, “You know the penthouse’s done nothing to you, don’t you?”
“Yes. I’m not crazy. But I don’t want to be there anymore.”
“I understand. I’ll set a realtor on it, and we’ll find something different.”
“You don’t mind?”
Did I?
“I don’t care where I live so long as you’re there,” I rasped, knowing I was speaking the whole truth and nothing but the truth. “Where do you want to live? Westchester? Somewhere like that?”
“No. Not in the suburbs. Your commute would be too long. Somewhere in this neighborhood. So you’re close by.”
I pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I can work from home.”
“There’ll be some days where you can’t. Like today.” She huddled into me. “I-I need things to change, Finn.”
“Like what?” I asked quietly. “I already promised no more secrets.”
“Do you know what I was thinking about when I had that panic attack?”
“What, baby?”
“That the walls were closing in. Over eight thousand square feet of space, Finn, and the walls were closing in.” She shook her head. “I’d pushed you away and you left me in bed, left the apartment… I thought about you not being there every morning. About waking up alone and eating alone and raising Jake alone, and it made my panic attack worse.
“I don’t forgive you,” she said, blunt enough to make me wince. “I might never forgive you, but I don’t want to be without you, and that’s something to work toward. But I need compromises. The way things were… I don’t want that anymore.”
Her words resonated more than she could know. “What do you want, sweetheart?”
“No more fifteen-hour days. No more getting in when Jake’s asleep. No more working yourself so hard that you’ll break.”
“You know why I’m doing that.”
“I do, and I agree to a point, but I don’t want—” She pulled back, and though I held her firmer against me, not wanting her to drift away, she didn’t. She just stared into my eyes as she whispered, “My mom had no idea that that day would be her last. She left me in the tearoom thinking she’d see me later that evening. And as devastated as I am, I know that we did so much together over the years, that we made the time we had count.
“Jake won’t have that with you if you keep on working so many hours. It’s different now. He won’t remember these times, but as he gets older, he will. He won’t know you. You’ll become a stranger to him.
“I understand that you want him to have choices down the line, and I’m all for you striving to achieve that, but Acuig doesn’t stop running when you start working eight-hour days.
“Hire more people. Get your brothers in on it. Declan’s lost in the docks. He could work for Acuig easily, and be so much happier too. Brennan’s wasted just being your father’s fixer. What else could he be doing for Acuig? He and Camille will want kids soon. He won’t want his kids doing what he’s had to do. Aidan’s the same.
“Senior might be a problem, but he won’t be around forever, Finn. Aidan will have to handle the fact that none of his brothers really want to be in the mob, and when he becomes a father, that will resonate more than ever too.”