It’s rough. Letting my mother down isn’t the highlight of my day, but a lifetime of experience has proven that if I don’t draw a line, she will take and take until there’s nothing left for me. So, I stay strong, and when I hang up, I’m relieved.
Until I make the next call. I know how my sister is going to react, and sure enough, I’ve barely begun to explain when—
“Have you lost your damn mind!”
Parked on my narrow futon, I wince, pulling out an earbud before tentatively replacing it.
“Caroline, it’s not what you think,” I say, trying for chill because my sister is freaking out enough for the both of us.
The sound she makes is disbelieving. And disappointed and concerned and probably a hundred other things too. And I get it.
“I think it sounds like you spent the first twenty-five years of your life stuck in a house taking care of someone else’s kids. You finally get out, and not even five months later, you’re moving into some guy’s place to take care of his!”
“First, singular on the kid. Otto. He’s two days old and so stinkin’ cute.”
“Oh, well then, why didn’t you say so?” she huffs.
Funny girl. She’s such a hothead when she’s worried but just as quick to cool. “Second, this job is temporary. And third, I’m getting paid upfront.”
I can hear the air blowing through my sister’s nose, practically see her tapping her foot, arms crossed tight around her too-thin build. “Yeah, how much?”
“Way more than what Diane was paying.” Glancing at my phone, I see I still have a few minutes before I told Axel I’d be back. “It’s a one-month commitment, maybe less, then I’m done. And with some notice and what I’ll earn, there will be enough time to find another job and a place in the city.”
“But a live-in nanny? Isn’t that just a little too close to your gig at home? This is supposed to be your turn.”
“Honestly, this job is the only thing saving me from moving back. Without it, I’d be on the train tomorrow. And it’s temporary.”
“Yeah… I mean, if it keeps you from having to go home and there’s an end date, then I guess it can’t be a bad thing.”
“It’s not. Or mostly, it’s not.”
“Explain?”
If I told her it was Axel, he of the zillion packages and shouty friends, she’d get it. But Axel hasn’t told his family and team about Otto yet, and while I know Caroline wouldn’t say a word until he gave me the go-ahead, I intend to respect his privacy.
“The guy I’m working for is kind of a jerk.”
“Perfect. Lean into that.”
“Excuse me?” I laugh.
“The more this guy talks down to you and gets his underwear in a twist about stupid shit, the easier it’s going to be walking away in a month.”
Fortunately, Axel doesn’t do either of those things. But she’s right. It will be easy to walk away when it’s done.
We wrap the call, and with a few minutes to spare, I do a last sweep of the apartment. I don’t have a lot to bring with me, just the narrow futon that’s been doubling as a chair and bed these last months, a duffle bag, and a laundry basket with the rest of the clothes from the closet draped over it.
I take the bag and basket first, then come back for the futon and drag it into the hall. When I’m done, I leave the keys on the floor inside the door before closing it behind me.
Axel’s already in the hall, Otto in his arms. We trade, and he brings my few possessions in for me. The futon doesn’t make it any farther than the wall in the living room next to the broken-down boxes from the bassinet and changing table we set up earlier. The rest of my stuff goes to the guest room. And it’s official. I’m moved in.
This is nuts.
Axel rakes a hand through spectacularly messy hair, giving the apartment a vacant look.
It’s only been about forty-five minutes since I left, but he looks like he’s aged forty-five years. Clearly, he’s beyond exhausted, and even though he told me to take as long as I needed to let my family know I wasn’t coming home and close things up at Diane’s, I feel a wave of guilt for not recognizing how tired he was before.
That fatigue is something I know all too well.
“Hey, how about I start opening the rest of the boxes and getting things set up around here,” I suggest, walking Otto over to the bassinet.
It takes Axel a beat longer than it should to answer, and when I look back over my shoulder, there’s something off about the way he’s turning his head. “I can… umm… start cleaning out my office.”
Nuh-uh. This guy is running on fumes. “Actually, you know what? Otto doesn’t need a nursery all to himself tonight. The office can wait. Let’s work on it together after we have a chance to see what all you’ve bought and maybe have a plan on what we still need. Besides, I’m thinking you could use a break.”
Axel closes his eyes for a breath, and when they open again—wow. The gratitude is real. “I love you.”
I roll my eyes. “Not mutual. Just trying to keep you alive until the check clears.”
I’m expecting a swift, sharp-witted comeback. Some ego-charged assertation that I’m totally into him. But that was the Axel from two days ago.
This guy grunts something incoherent and disappears down the hall.
I get started, more than a little curious about what I’m going to find. The bassinet has enough lights, displays, sounds, and accessories, I half expect it to be capable of docking with the space station. And the changing table? Really nice. But the burled walnut doesn’t exactly go with the décor. Strange.
The first box contains a deconstructed baby bath gift set and a dozen boob-shaped bottles from a brand I’ve never heard of but I’m betting cost more than all the bottles through all the kids at my house combined. I hit the jackpot with a bouncer in the second box. These things are gold. I’m just reaching for the third when I hear Otto’s soft grunt.
“Well look who’s awake,” I murmur, undoing his swaddle and picking him up to hold him against my cheek and chest. “Daddy bought you a bath set that feels softer than any towel I’ve ever used. Maybe we get some grub in you and plan for a nice—”
“Thank fuck!” Axel gasps, careening into the room, looking like he’s having a heart attack.
“What’s the matter?” I whisper gently, wanting to bring the energy down before Otto picks up on it.
His eyes flick from me to Otto. “Fuck, I’m the worst father already.” His voice cracks, and he looks like he’s about to cry. Which is not something I’m prepared to face. So, whatever has this guy spun up, I’m going to talk him down.
Not exactly part of the job description, but no matter how much Axel has rubbed me wrong over the last few months, he deserves some understanding after the blindside he’s had.
“Hey, you’re doing fine,” I say with my most reassuring voice, digging deep for the kindness that doesn’t exactly come naturally where this guy is concerned. “There’s a learning curve, but you’ve got this. And you’ve got m—”
“You could be a serial killer. A kidnapper. A cult member. One of those fuckers looking for healthy infant organs. And Otto’s are strong. Look at me. He’s got the genes.”