There are worse ways to spend a life. Like in a loveless relationship with someone abusive the way my mother was. This life could be peaceful, and as long as that bitch, Sister Abigail, doesn’t get in my way and ruin this for me, I’ll have everything I need.
Speaking of the wench herself, she’s standing at the backdoor of the church where I park the van and climb out. She wasn’t supposed to pick me up until tomorrow, so my heart plummets at the idea of leaving already.
It’s Christmas.
“Your services are no longer required here,” she says coldly, as I climb out of the van. Heat travels up my spine.
“What? We have more to deliver—”
“I have given you your orders, Cora. Why must you be so insubordinate?”
Freezing in place, I glance toward the door and realization hits me like a boulder, crushing me instantly.
He wants me gone.
On Christmas.
Is this because I tempted him too much? Is it because of what we did? Have I ruined everything because I couldn’t keep my stupid mouth shut yesterday?
“Well, let me go say goodbye,” I mumble as I make my way toward the door, desperate to speak to him. A firm grasp on my arm stops me, and she tugs me closer, her cold tone whispering into my ear.
“Leave the poor man alone, girl. Don’t you see what you’re doing to him? The best thing you can do for him now is disappear.”
“Did he say...something?” I ask, tears brimming my eyes.
“He said enough, and it’s obvious. You want him to throw away everything because of you? You want him to choose you over God? Don’t be so foolish, Cora.”
With one blink, the tears fall over my lashes and down my cheeks.
I want to scream at her. He came to me. I didn’t sneak into his bed last night. He came to mine because he was so desperate for me..
“He’s all I have,” I whisper sadly, but she doesn’t care as she tugs me toward the car.
“I already have your things. Get in.”
Without a fight, I walk to the opposite side and climb in, not saying a word on the drive toward the convent. The tears don’t stop though.
All I can think is that I’m so incredibly lost and alone. Without him, I don’t want this life. I don’t want God or the church or any of it. But if I don’t have this, then I have nothing. I can’t go back to my dad’s, and I have no money or skills to get a job.
I feel so stupid, building my life around a man who can never be mine.
Merry-fucking-Christmas.
Chapter 11
Father Roman
“Her replacement? What do you mean her replacement?”
“Sister Abigail sent me in her place, Father. Sister Cora is going back to the convent with her.”
“What? Why?”
The poor woman standing before me is thin and frail and completely blindsided by my frustration. It’s not her fault, and I’m sure she doesn’t have any answers for me. I can tell by the deer-in-headlights expression on her face.
“I’m...not sure,” she replies meekly.
“She didn’t say anything? She just left?”
God, I wish Cora had a cell phone, so I could at least call her. She used to have one. Six months ago, she would text me Stranger Things memes to make me laugh or ask me what I wanted for dinner when she would run through the drive-thru on her way to the church.
But now she doesn’t have a phone...because she’s in service to become a nun...because of me. Because I fell in love with her years ago, and I let her fall in love with me. I carried on a relationship with a young woman who found the only way to be with me and signed her entire future away.
What a fucking fool I am. I thought I could have my fun with Cora, get my pleasure from her body and let things go back to the way they were. I don’t know if she left on her own because she’s scared or because Sister Bitch took her, but I have to know. I have to.
Lord, I asked for a sign, and you gave me one.
“I have to go after her,” I mumble, pulling off my robe.
“Father?” the woman asks in a shaky voice.
“We don’t have another service today. Whatever we had scheduled, cancel. I have to go find Cora.”
“Why?”
She sounds worried, as if something bad could happen to me. But as I throw my robe into her arms, I give her a small smile. “Because I love her.”
I will probably remember the look on her face for the rest of my life as those words came out of my mouth, and I hope they make me laugh for years to come.
The drive to the convent is over an hour, but I manage to arrive ten minutes before my GPS predicted I would. As I pull up, my hands are shaking and I’m starting to feel like a crazy man. I’m a priest running into a convent on Christmas Day to tell a woman, fifteen years younger than me, that I love her. And I want her. But that’s the point. I want her, completely.
Inside the convent is quiet, but I hear a low chatter coming from down the hallway that leads to a large rec room. There’s Christmas music playing along with gentle laughter. Picking up speed, I head straight down the hall and burst into the room, stopping the laughter immediately. All eyes shoot up to me while I scan the small crowd of women in black, looking for the one I want, but she’s not here. These are all older women with warm motherly smiles. They’re sitting on benches with wrapping paper scattered around the floor.
My heart drops when I don’t see my Cora.
“Can we help you, Father?”
“Cora. Where is she?”
A few of the women look away uncomfortably at the mention of her name. Then one older woman steps forward.
“I believe she’s in her room. Just on the other side of the building.”
I’m gone before she even finishes her sentence. I’ve been to the convent a few times before, so I basically know my way around. The hallways are empty, since everyone is convening in the rec room to celebrate their Christmas, and my poor Cora is alone.
Thoughts fly through my head as I rush down the hall. Thoughts about what an idiot I’ve been. How it all seems so easy now. Why couldn’t I have just accepted my feelings before?
When I reach the dormitory hallway, I see the shadows of movement from the last one on the left and I take off in a dead run. My footsteps thunder loudly in the quiet hallway until I reach the doorway to her room and face a wide-eyed Cora as she folds her clothes and places them in a duffel bag.
“What are you doing?” I ask, breathless.
“I’m packing. I’m...going home.” Tearing her eyes away from me, she looks down, and I swear I’ve never seen her look so sad. Her cheeks are spotted with red patches, a clear sign that she’s been crying. My heart aches.
It strikes me how beautiful she is in the light streaming through the window. Her light waves peek out of her white veil, catching the sun’s rays, and I can hardly stand another moment away from her.
I take a step into her room and instantly her eyes widen. It’s because I’m not supposed to enter it. A man in a nun’s private room is clearly against the rules, but I don’t care about rules anymore.
I close the door behind me, locking it. The loud click of the metal moving into position sounds like the ring of a bell or the shotgun at the start of a race. It drives me forward. I’m not afraid anymore to take what I want, what has been mine for 5 years. I’m not afraid to tell Cora how I feel anymore and I don’t know why it's been so hard up until now.