But then a wicked idea begins to brew in my mind. An idea that I should put to rest immediately, but I don't. The idea comes straight from the devil's mouth...
* * *
If I've crossed the line already, what's a little more? A sin is a sin after all.
* * *
So what's another sin?
Nothing.
And at the end of the day, I know the truth—my soul is a small price to pay for her happiness. I would burn eternally for her.
That's all it takes for me to fly out of bed. It's well past two in the morning when I walk silently across the cold stone floor. There's no one else in the church tonight, but I still feel like I'm being watched as I creep into the pitch-black hallway, where her room resides off to the left.
I sleep in the dormitory attached to the church, but for guests and the nuns, we keep separate barracks. It's a bare room with not much more than a bed and an attached bathroom.
My bare footsteps are almost silent but they still sound as loud as thunder as I approach the closed door of her room. Fuck, what am I doing? What will I even do when I go in there? We can't...
I've had sex before, so it's not like I'm a virgin. I had my heyday back in my twenties—alright maybe heyday is not what I mean, more like I had sex with three different girls between the ages of eighteen and twenty-one, and I was an idiot who didn't have a clue what I was doing all three times.
* * *
But I didn't feel for them what I feel for Cora.
Still, before I knock, I make a mental plan. I will not, cannot, have sex with Cora. Not tonight.
Not. Ever.
But I just need to see her. I need to know she's okay. I need her to know that what happened back in the office can't happen again—
Fuck, who am I kidding? I'm going in because my body craves her nearness. I want to touch her skin, feel the softness of her breasts and the warmth between her legs. I'm going in there because I'm a depraved, sick man who wants to breathe in the aroma of her arousal and taste the salt of her skin. And I don't feel as guilty about wanting it as I should.
Letting myself accept what this really is, I feel almost better. So I knock.
It's soft and subtle, but within seconds, I hear her voice on the other side. "Come in."
She sounds eager, and I quickly turn the knob, pushing inside. I hear the rustling of her sheets, so even though her room is too dark to see her, I know that she's still in bed.
"It's wrong of me to come here," I whisper, because old habits die hard and although I walked my desperate ass over here, I'm still going to try and apologize for it.
"Stay. Please," she calls to me, and I hear the desperation in her voice.
"Are you okay?"
"I...I..."
"What is it, Cora?"
A bit of moonlight shines in through the window, allowing my eyes to slowly adjust as I close the door and tiptoe across the space. I don't go near her on the bed, not yet; I take a seat on the chair by the window. As her soft features finally come into focus, I notice the way she fidgets on her bed.
"I ache," she says.
My cock flinches in my pants. Why? From her discomfort? Her pain? What the fuck is wrong with me?
I clear my throat. "Why do you ache, Cora?"
"I think I need..."
Oh, I know what she needs, but can I really be the one to give it to her? I mean, I can. There’s nothing I want more than to find the erogenous spots on her body that make her purr. To play with her like a toy, bringing her pleasure, so I can see the expressions on her face and the sounds she would make.
"Cora, I can't," I respond and I immediately hate myself. This isn't for virtue. It's from fear.
She hangs her head. "I understand."
"It's just—" I don't even know what I want to say. "I can't."
"I know. You said that. I understand," she snaps, and I certainly can't blame her for that. She jerked me off in my office, and now my stupid ass can't even return the favor. Fuck, I hate myself.
"Have you tried..." God, why is this so hard to ask. "Have you tried to relieve yourself?"
Her head snaps up. "That's a sin."
"What we did today was a sin, Cora.”
Looking nervous, she plays with the end of her long braid. I love seeing her hair again, the long snowy, white strands framing her pale face. I want to touch it so bad.
"I haven't tried."
"Can you try for me?"
My mouth goes dry as she glances up at me again. Again...what the actual fuck am I doing?
"Right now? With you here?"
"You must think I'm depraved." in the things I want."
"You're never alone, Cora. I'm always with you."
"I know." I can see the smile on her face in the moonlight.
After a moment, she reclines against her pillow. "You really want to watch?"
Her voice is smooth like satin, filling my ears and my mind with filthy and beautiful thoughts that make me want to live forever in this moment with her.
"Yes," I gasp breathlessly. "Please."
The room grows silent and every moment stretches into forever as she pushes down the white down blanket to reveal her body in nothing but a modest bra and panties. I don't dare move an inch as she snakes her hand down her stomach and under the band of her underwear.
Immediately her legs fall open, and I let out a low moan. The moment I imagine her fingers making contact with the forbidden warmth between her legs, her back arches and she hums in pleasure.
Fuck.
My cock is painfully hard already.
"Take them off," I croak, before even thinking through what I'm asking. But she doesn't hesitate, shimmying her panties down her legs and revealing her beautiful cunt.
"Tell me what to do," she pants.
God, help me now.
Fuck it. There is no help for me anymore.
"Are you wet? Touch yourself. Tell me how it feels."
She runs her delicate fingers through her lips, and I can already see the moisture glistening in the moonlight.
"Oh,” she cries. "I'm wet. Father Roman...it feels good."
"Touch your clit," I tell her. "Use those juices to get it nice and wet."
She does as I say, latching her first finger on that spot above her lips, running wet circles around it. I can't get over the way her breathing shallows and her legs move and jerk. There's not a single part of her body that can hold still as she pleasures herself.
"Keep going, baby," I urge her on. "You're almost there."
"I'm not. I can't do it," she cries out. Her head is tilted back, revealing her long neck. I wish I could touch her or kiss her. But if I go over there, I can't promise I could stop myself.
No matter how much I want to give her the pleasure she needs. I know exactly how I would do it too. I could easily make her scream my name with my mouth on her wet, beautiful—
No. I have to stop.I'm better over here.
"Yes, you can, Cora. Tell me what you're thinking about."
She groans. "I'm thinking about you." The words slip out of her mouth so fast. About me? "I’m thinking about your cock, how it felt in my hand. About the look on your face as you came all over me. It was so...wrong. So dirty." Her voice is strangled and her hand picks up speed, strumming her clit.