I wasn’t even sure how she was doing so much on the tree farm, while also helping her folks on the flower farm, plus cleaning up the greenhouse for the Christmas Eve luncheon.
I headed over and leaned against the doorjamb to watch as Abby moved about between all the kiddos. It amazed me how effortlessly she’d blended right back in—not only in my life, but on the tree farm and at her folks’ place as well. The way she smiled while she helped one of the kids lay out their branches for the wreath made my chest tighten and warm.
My mind drifted back to two days ago, when we had met with Christina Nash. It was our first joint therapy session with her.
“Let me first start by saying, pregnancy loss is one of the most common experiences that no one—especially the mother and father—wants to speak about. I personally don’t like referring to it as a miscarriage. The meaning of the word already implicates something went wrong, and most mothers immediately think they were the cause of the loss.”
Abby stiffened, and I reached for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
Christina turned to Abby. “Abby, I want you to tell me what your loss felt like.”
Taking in a deep breath, Abby slowly exhaled. “I remember…every time I woke up, it felt like it would hit me all over again, that I wasn’t carrying the baby. It felt like such a tremendous loss, and I was drowning in feelings of guilt and sadness. It was like they were competing with each other. I wasn’t sure how to tell Bishop my feelings because, at the time, they felt so overwhelming. I felt so crazy. Looking back, I honestly think I suffered some sort of mental breakdown. How could I have possibly felt like I was reliving the same day over and over again?”
I felt sick to my stomach, knowing now that Abby had been more than simply sad.
Christina nodded. “Believe it or not, Abby, that’s something I’ve heard many moms—and dads—say. When someone loses their parent, for example, there’s a bereavement process that you go through. You’re allowed time off from work, time to say goodbye at a funeral. People often have celebrations of life. When you experience a pregnancy loss, there isn’t any of that. As a matter of fact, most couples, like you and Bishop, hadn’t even told their friends and family that they were expecting yet. So in a sense, they grieve in silence as they continue on with their lives, trying to pretend everything is okay. Some choose to share the loss, some do not.”
“That makes so much sense,” I said softly.
“The two of you haven’t properly grieved together. And that’s no one’s fault,” she said as she looked directly at Abby. “Before our next session, I’d like you to do something in honor of your baby. I have some clients who might have a gathering with family to do this. Some go off on their own for a few days and do something together, just the two of them, and reflect on the baby. One couple I work with wrote letters to their baby, sealed them in bottles, and put them in a river. They watched as the bottles floated away and were able to say their goodbyes.”
Abby sat up. “I love that idea.” Turning to me, she looked up with almost pleading eyes. I instantly knew that this was something Abby felt in her heart we needed to do.
“I love it too,” I said. “I say we plan something.”
A soft smile played across Abby’s face.
Christina cleared her throat. “Another thing we need to understand is that each partner will react to the loss of a pregnancy differently. Some are relieved it’s over, some grieve more deeply, while others keep their grief buried deep inside. There’s no right or wrong way.”
Abby looked at her. “My biggest fear is that it will happen again, and I don’t want to withdraw from Bishop like I did before. Was it normal for me to leave, even when deep down inside of me, I didn’t really want to leave it all?”
“Shame and blame often drive couples apart—for many different reasons, not just the loss of a child. When you add in the pain of your loss, the guilt, and the feeling of unworthiness, one of two things happen: a couple grows closer together, or they grow apart. There’s no set of rules for how a parent should behave or act after they suffer the loss of a pregnancy. Your fear is a legitimate fear, Abby. I won’t sit here and say that someday, when you become pregnant again, you’ll be free of that fear. You most likely won’t be. But I think you’ll have the tools to help you navigate those feelings. You’ll worry when the baby hasn’t moved for more than six hours, you’ll question every single thing you feel. It’s all normal. Even a mother who hasn’t experienced a loss will have the same fears.
“The thing you need to remember is, even though Bishop isn’t carrying the baby, he has the same fears. And then add in his worry for you as well. As you said when we first sat down, the grief will always be with you, but as time goes by, it gets easier. It doesn’t hurt as much. Share your thoughts and worries with one another. Don’t feel pressured to start trying for a baby right away, but also know it’s okay if you have the desire to want a baby now. What I’d like to see you both do is take time together and grieve your loss. Then, I want the two of you to simply be.”
“Be?” Abby asked.
“Be happy. Be together. Be spontaneous. Be flirtatious. Be with one another. Be in love.”
Be in love.
“You know, if you keep staring at her like that, everyone will know what you’re thinking,” Kyle said as he appeared next to me in the doorway.
I let out a soft breath. “I’m just so damn happy she’s back, Kyle. It almost doesn’t feel real.”
“I know, dude, and we’re all happy to see the two of you back together.”
Turning to look at one of my best friends, I grinned. “You and Hunter, that’s all that’s left.”
“Adam. Don’t forget about Adam.”
I rolled my eyes. “Did he tell you he’s thinking of moving to Boston?”
Kyle nodded. “Yeah, he did.”
“So, he doesn’t count.”
I gave Kyle a quick glance and wondered what type of woman it would take to catch his eye.
Kyle chuckled. “I could hardly find a place to park out there. I had to drive up to your house and walk down. This place is hopping.”
“I know. We may run out of trees next weekend if the crowds keep up like this.”
“That wouldn’t be a bad thing.”
“Not at all; gives me more time to spend with Abby.”
At that moment, Abby looked up and our eyes met. A wide grin appeared on her face and she motioned for me to come over to the table.
“Kyle, I’m pretty sure Arabella needs help at her table.”
He mumbled under his breath, but I knew deep down he was more than happy to help.
I made my way over to the table and stood next to Abby. “Alright, where’s my help needed?”
Abby handed me the wire. “If you could help Andrew wire his branches together, I can start making bows.”
“Bows!” one little girl called out. “Can mine be green?”
“I want red!” Andrew stated.
Abby laughed. “I’ll make red, green, and white. Then you can pick.”
The rest of the kids started calling out what color bow they wanted. Abby chatted with each of them as she made bows, while I helped Andrew make his wreath. Every now and then I would glance over at her. She worked flawlessly with the kids, and I knew she was going to make an amazing mother. I couldn’t wait until the day I saw her holding our child in her arms.