And with that, he turned and went back to petting Xi, cooing at her.
Chapter Seven
My mouth dropped open and I swayed, my knees weak. Tarvish jumped up and thumped around the table, pulling out a chair for me. I sank down onto it, unable to decide whether to run or stay. But the wards hadn’t gone off, and when I glanced at the table, I saw that he was doing a crossword puzzle in a book of puzzles he’d found somewhere.
“What the…I don’t…” I stopped, unable to formulate my thoughts into words. Finally, I took a deep breath and stuttered out, “What do you mean, I summoned you here? I don’t remember summoning you. I don’t summon demons.”
“Well, I can’t appear where I’m not summoned, so it had to be you or one of your friends.” He glanced around the kitchen. “Nice house. I’ve never seen anything like it. What’s that?” He pointed to the range.
“A stove. And…um…thank you?” Everything felt surreal. I gripped the edge of the table for moral support. Xi gave me a lazy yawn and jumped up, padding across the table to me. She purped, licked my hand, then jumped down and headed toward her food dish.
“She’s so adorable!” The words coming out of the demon’s mouth seemed absolutely contradictory with his appearance. His head was lumpy and looked like he had a bunch of rocks stuffed under his thick olive skin—and it was a true olive color, like green olives. He had massive hands and feet, both bare. And, perhaps most odd, he wore a pair of blue jeans that were too tight and too revealing, showing exactly which gender he was and how well-endowed he was. His eyes were wide-set, and he had horns curling up off each side of his head, pointing straight out. All in all, he looked almost like a cartoon character.
“What the hell is a Funtime demon?” I asked.
Tarvish, who had started up with the puzzle again, set down his pen. “Well, we’re demons who have a lot of fun. I love gambling, games of all kinds, kittens, banana bread, gold, and killing orcs. And I’m good with throwing fireballs when needed.” He sounded like he was reciting a spiel for a centerfold spread.
For one of the first times in my life, I was speechless. I felt like I should say something, but I was having a hard time thinking. Finally, I landed on, “You love kittens?”
“Well, cats of all kinds. They’re my buddies. They love me, too,” he said.
“Where are you from? You said I summoned you. So where did you come from?”
He paused, frowning. After a moment, he shrugged. “I don’t know. All I remember was that I was chasing a party of orcs with a band of adventurers.”
Okay, things were getting ridiculous. Orcs didn’t exist—at least I didn’t think they did—except in Tolkien’s world. And I didn’t remember any such creature as a Funtime demon in Lord of the Rings. I eased out of my chair.
“If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be right back. You…continue with your puzzle.”
“All right,” he said. “But if you have anybody you need beaten up, let me know. I’m good at that.”
I ducked into the dining room, then hurried into the living room and pulled out my phone. I wasn’t sure who to call but decided to start with Tad, my boss. I could ask him to look up Funtime demons and then I’d call my grandmother.
Tad answered on the first ring, which didn’t surprise me. He was brilliant, but he didn’t have much of a social life. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Um, Tad, can you come over to my place? I don’t know if Hank’s busy or not, but if he’s free, bring him and Caitlin along. And bring your laptop.”
“I think Hank left on vacation. He took off after work yesterday. But I know Caitlin’s around town, since she said she’s attending your Thanksgiving celebration next week. Your ghost isn’t back, is he?” Tad instantly went on alert.
“No,” I said. “This…isn’t a ghost. I honestly don’t know what to think.”
“On my way,” he said. “I’ll call Caitlin.”
I wasn’t going to bother Wren, our receptionist at Conjure Ink. Her husband was adjusting to a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, and she didn’t need any more stress than she already had. Next, I called my aunt and asked her to come over, and finally, I called Rowan.
“Rowan, I need you here.”
“You’re not going to force me to bake, are you?” she asked. My grandmother made excellent cookies, but she wasn’t a patient cook.
“Not today. Just…bring your magical kit and hurry, please.” After I had reinforcements on the way, I unlocked the front door and then returned to the kitchen, where Tarvish was drinking a glass of milk while working on the crossword.
“I hope you don’t mind,” he said. “I helped myself to some milk.”
“No, I don’t mind.” It occurred to me that, since he was in a good mood, I wasn’t going to unbalance the boat by getting surly about a glass of milk. “Would you like some cookies to go with it?”
He glanced up, a smile spreading across his face, which made him look more scary than pleasant. “Thank you, that’s very kind of you. And forgive me, I’m terribly rude. What was your name again?”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to give him my name. I knew that, for a number of creatures, knowing someone’s name gave you power over them. And I didn’t want any demon gaining any power over me. On the other hand, when everybody showed up, somebody would end up using my name.
“I’m January,” I said.
“Ah, named after the coldest month of the year,” Tarvish said, going back to his puzzle.
So he was familiar with the Gregorian calendar. I set a plate of cookies in front of him and once again retreated to the dining room, where I waited until the doorbell rang. Hurrying to open the door, I ushered Tad and Caitlin in.
“What’s up?” Caitlin asked.
“One moment—I see Teran coming up the walk.”
My aunt came in. I asked her, Tad, and Caitlin to sit down in the living room. “Just wait and don’t talk, please. I want Rowan here before…well…you guys are not going to believe this.” I didn’t feel like trying to explain who and what Tarvish was more than once. It would be hard enough once Killian got off work.
Rowan showed up five minutes later and I motioned for her to follow me into the living room, where I spoke in a hushed voice.
“In my kitchen, sitting in the nook, is…well…he calls himself a Funtime demon. His name is Tarvish. He says I summoned him but for the life of me, I have no idea what he’s talking about. He also says that the last thing he can remember is he was…and I know this sounds stupid…but he was helping a party of adventurers chase a group of orcs.”
They stared at me, with pretty much the same expressions that I felt on my face when I first saw Tarvish.
“What the hell is a Funtime demon?” Tad asked.
“I have no idea, except he apparently likes kittens, puzzles, games, gambling, gold, banana bread, and…killing orcs. Only when he told me, he reminded me of a centerfold reciting her turn-ons, from some porn magazine or one of those goofy online dating profiles. I half expected him to add long walks along the shore at midnight.”