“No, it isn’t. Anyone with eyes can see it. Even Renee can see it. You just don’t want to because Joe’s your dad,” Shaw replied to Dex. “Please tell me I’m right, Ry?”
“I can’t talk about this in front of Dex.”
“Oh, for God’s sake,” Dex grumbled, much louder in my ear this time, suggesting he’d taken the phone from Shaw. “Dad isn’t answering his phone, so I texted him. I told him that if this is what you really want, then I won’t stand in your way. I just hope you’ve thought it through. There’s an age difference here, Ry. And I don’t want my dad to fuck you around. I told him I will kill him if he does.”
I closed my eyes, my self-recrimination at its boiling point. “Dex … it’s your dad you need to worry about. Not me.”
“What does that mean?”
“I … know that he would never hurt me or mess me around. What’s happening or not happening, however, is between me and him. I appreciate you’re okay about everything, but I can’t discuss this with you.”
There was silence on the other end of the line.
Then, “Ry … okay. Fine. But try not to hurt my old man. He’s the best fucking guy there is, and if Shaw’s right about how he feels about you … yeah … shit, just let him down easy.”
Tears slipped down my cheeks as a reply stuck in my throat.
Shaw’s voice was gentle in my ear now. “I love you, Ry. Whatever you do, I’m here. I know whatever is holding you back isn’t about what other people think because you’ve never cared what other people think. It’s one of my favorite things about you.”
“Shaw,” I whispered brokenly. “I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of losing him.”
“Oh, Ry.” Understanding filled her voice. “It is scary to love someone that much. We know that better than anyone. But you know what’s scarier? Regret. Looking back on your life, safe but lonely, and wishing you hadn’t let fear win.”
Chapter Seven
RYAN
After returning to my bedroom in the cabin, I’d heard Joe’s arrival. I’d heard him puttering about in the kitchen and at one point heard him murmuring, so I knew he had to be talking to someone on the phone.
I wondered if it was Dex.
The hours passed like days as I watched the clock on my phone tick toward midnight.
Toward the new year.
Every time I looked at the bed, images of Joe straining above me filled my head.
I kept hearing him telling me he loved me.
It seemed like a miracle that Joe Colchester was in love with me.
It was my wildest fantasy come true, and I’d spit all over it.
Shaw’s wise words haunted me throughout the day.
The fact that my sister had guessed I was in love with Joe before I even realized I was would’ve been funny if the whole situation didn’t feel so tragic.
“But it doesn’t have to be tragic,” I whispered to myself.
If I let go of my fear, or at least tried to overcome it, I could make me and Joe so happy.
And Shaw was right. I didn’t care what people would say or think about us. Not as long as we loved each other.
But what about when you lose him?
The thought filled me with agony.
Yet … wasn’t I already in pain? Was losing him any worse than pushing him away?
No.
The thought of never touching Joe again or tasting his kiss or feeling him move inside me made me feel like the world was ending.
“You have to try,” I whispered.
I had to try.
And I couldn’t let Joe go on thinking I didn’t love him just to protect myself.
Decision made, I pushed up out of the chair just as the clock neared twenty minutes to midnight. My belly grumbled with hunger as my heart pounded in my chest.
Joe sat on the sofa, a glass filled with beer in one hand, while he stared in a trance at the flickering fire.
I could feel myself losing my nerve at the mere sight of him, even as I wanted to lie my body atop his. A foil-covered plate on the island caught my attention, and I moved toward it. Stalling.
Beneath it was a roast beef dinner. Joe had cooked. The smell from earlier had given me hunger pains.
“That’s yours.”
I started at his voice. He stared blankly at me.
“Thank you.”
He lifted his chin and turned back to the fire.
Hungry and nervous, I sat down at the island to eat. But after a few forkfuls, my nerves got the better of me. Pushing the plate away, I was readying myself to talk when he spoke first.
“Is it Dex? Because I spoke to him today, and he’s okay with the idea of us.”
I spun around to face Joe.
His expression was still hard and defiant. His walls were still halfway up, even though he was trying to understand me.
“It’s not Dex.”
“The age gap? You worried about what people will think? That I’m a dirty fucker going after a woman almost half my age?”
“I don’t care what people will think. And you’re not a dirty fucker, so don’t call yourself that. You’re forty, Joe, not eighty. And I’m twenty-four, not some innocent eighteen-year-old.”
His lips twitched at that but then pinched into a straight line before he muttered, “So, you just don’t feel about me the way I feel about you?”
“You scare me,” I blurted out.
Joe’s eyes flashed dangerously. “What?”
At his biting tone, I shook my head. “Not like that. God, never like that. In fact, I’ve never felt safer with someone in my life. You’re what home should feel like.”
Joe sat up, looking baffled. “Then I don’t understand.”
Drawing up my courage, I exhaled slowly. “I’m sorry I hurt you or made you feel like your feelings aren’t reciprocated. Of course, they’re reciprocated, Joe.” I hurried on before he could interrupt. “But I’m scared. Scared of needing you as much as I do. Scared of losing you.”
His expression hardened. “You don’t trust me.”
“No!” I pushed off the stool, crossing the room only to stop midway as Joe stood up, too, dumping his beer on the side table as he did. “I … everyone goes away. That’s just the natural course of life. I knew I had to suck up the fear of losing Shaw because I loved her and there was no changing that … but I wanted to go through life protecting my heart as much as possible. Trying to love as few people as possible.”
“Baby …” His voice was thick with understanding.
“But whether or not I push you away, there’s no getting around it. I love you. And I can throw off my fears and enjoy a life with you … or I can let fear win.”
“What have you decided to do?”
I smiled tremulously. “I won’t regret you. I won’t look back on my life and remember this moment and wish I’d done something different. I love you, and I can’t believe you love me back. I will never throw your love back in your face again. I promise, Joe, I pr—” The words were cut off by his kiss as he hauled me into his arms.
Between hungry kisses, we divested each other of our clothes, and I found myself sprawled across the rug in front of the fire. Joe towered above me, all muscle and solid, masculine beauty. His erection strained toward his taut stomach as he dragged his gaze slowly down my body.