I needed this—I craved the silk—and maybe then I’d be okay.
There was a coolness to the room, and I stood in front of the closet mirror and studied the way my nipples pebbled at the cold, rolling them in my fingers and arching a little at the heat traveling straight to my cock.
I might not have had a partner, I might never have been kissed in the way I’d always imagined I would’ve with Kai, but when I was alone, I could have time when I imagined everything. It was always Kai in my head, even after his summer meltdown, it was still his face I saw, and that made everything doubly bad.
Like, what if he was there in the room with me? Would he be surprised as I shoved down my pants and underwear until I was naked? Would he comment on the softness of my belly or the muscles in my arms from my work? Would he press ghost kisses on my cool skin, drop to his knees and taste me, swallow me, all the while silently begging me to show him what I wanted?
I lifted the first of the corsets from the box—my favorite—the same buttery yellow as the scrap that grounded me. It fastened at the front and was one of the first I’d bought when I searched for ways to feel right.
I put it around me, linking the hooks until the front was flat, the gentle pressure of the boning was enough to settle my breathing, and I imagined someone—Kai—standing in front of me praising me for what I was doing.
I was owning my body, being who I wanted to be, without shame, and I crossed to the dresser, picking up the shimmery gloss and applying it to my parted lips before removing the tie in my hair and letting it fall to my shoulders.
“It’s okay,” I reassured my reflection, then took each end of the laces at the back of the corset, pulling them gently until they tightened. I felt the moment the two sides of the corset met in perfect alignment, and tied a knot, then a bow, admiring the cinch of the waist, the softness that it held tight, and the lace adorning the edges.
“It’s okay.” I repeated, and for a second it was all about loving myself, despite what others might’ve thought. “I’m beautiful. This is me.”
The afterglow of a quick and dirty orgasm didn’t last long, and all too soon reality crept back. The silk panties were damp, and I was mortified that I’d lost control. A familiar shame crept up from some dark place, and scarlet with heat, I stripped, placing the beautiful corset into its box, and dropping the panties in the laundry.
What if someone comes here and for some reason they go through my laundry basket and find them?
I hurried to the sink, hand-washed the delicate scrap of material, and hung it in the bathroom. It would be dry by morning, and I could hide it away along with the corset, and no one would know.
Not even the one person I dreamed about.
Chapter Six
BAILEY
When I woke the next morning, for a blissful second, I forgot that Kai was back, but when it hit me, after yet another dream, I buried my face into my pillow.
I was mortified. That was all there was to it. There was one solution to the Kai problem, and that was that I would have to stay in my apartment until he left. It could only be today, because he’d be on his way to something important, or there’d be a game, although he was injured, so maybe it wouldn’t be because of hockey.
“I wonder where he’s hurt?” I asked Boots, who rolled onto his back for belly rubs. “He wasn’t limping or anything. Maybe it’s his wrist again?”
Boots mewed plaintively—his I-need-food-tone—and the two of us made our way to the kitchen. The entire space was as big as the workshop it sat over, one large room containing the sofas and a tiny kitchen, a bedroom off to one side, and a small bathroom that was no more than a toilet and shower. The kitchen counter was filled with unfinished jewelry ideas and random sketches, and one-handed, I scooted everything into a pile before digging out the dry food plus canned tuna, which was Boots’ favorite. He sat on the counter and stared at me, the purring louder the closer he got to eating. He wasn’t one of those fussy cats, so along with the affection I needed, he was also an easy person—cat—to live with. We’d lived there a year now, me spreading my wings—making a name for myself in jewelry design, mostly through word-of-mouth—a short distance from my parents’ place, and the three houses my brothers had moved into after college.
None of the four Haynes boys had wandered far; hell, I hadn’t even gone to college, well, not for long at least. I’d lasted half a semester and not enjoyed one single day in the chaos and noise, feeling like the one student who wasn’t fitting in. It wasn’t a bad thing because everything I was, and wanted to be, was tied up in Wishing Tree, from family to the Christmas season that lasted half the year, with planning included. It was everything in my heart, and I was happy.
It was everything I wanted… well, aside from Kai. Once, I’d wanted to follow him to Albany, and maybe he’d seen something in me that had told him I’d fail out there. In my more positive moments, I always wondered if it was for the best that he’d turned me down back then.
“I wish you could understand me,” I sighed at Boots, and rested my elbows on the counter, peering down at my wholly uninterested furry friend. “Then you could help me decide if I forget how I feel and never tell him, or if I…” Hell, I couldn’t even say it to my cat.
Boots glanced up at me, and I swear his expression spoke of limited patience with his human. He soon went back to licking tuna from each kibble and then nudging what was left of the dry stuff to one side.
“One day, I’ll just give you the dry stuff, then you’ll see who’s in charge,” I warned him, but he ignored me as all the best cats do.
With Boots fed, I let him out to do whatever he did in the snow for the day, probably a lot of staring at people with his most damning expression. He was good at that. I’d found him in the snow a few years ago, a kitten who’d been abandoned or lost, and he’d made himself at home, but he refused to stay in during daylight. I knew he spent time at the pet store on Anstell Road—the owners even had a special bed for him, high up so he had a vantage point to stare down at the lowly humans. He’d become kind of famous, but when no one admitted owning him, he stayed as my cat.
Showered, I stood for a long time in front of my closet, and on impulse, grabbed the box of silk, and without conscious decision pulled out a soft camisole and matching panties. When I was dressed—with my silken secret under my clothes—and feeling settled, I grabbed toast and coffee, then headed downstairs to the workshop. I switched on the heater and waited for the room to warm up as I sipped my coffee and contemplated the projects I had to complete. The one from last night was my priority—I needed to fix the botched attempts at setting the final stone. The other, the pale pink and gold that Callum had requested for Brooke, I needed to start today. Plus, I had more stock to create for my stall at the Christmas market, which was in only three days, and two orders in my inbox, not to mention I needed to invest a ton of time avoiding Kai.
Simple.
I pressed play on my treasured Christmas CD and hummed along with Bing Crosby as I assessed the final work on the project, which didn’t take long now I was awake and not stressed. I placed the finished piece to one side, thinking about the next design and collecting the semi-precious stones, shells, and metals I would need.