“You can see the mountain from here, past the trees, and look at the night sky. Look. No actually, wait, sit down.” He resisted when I tugged him down, but at last he sat next to me, and I could see him frowning in the moonlight. “Lie down.” I held his hand as we lay back on the thick carpet, staring up out of the skylights at the array of stars in the inky black. The snow had eased, the clouds were gone, and he had to be able to see this was perfect.
“It’s stunning,” he murmured.
I rolled onto my side so I could look at him as my eyes became accustomed to the darkness. “I thought this would be an awesome studio for you, all the natural light.”
“Kai—”
“Of course, we could take it back to the wood, or whatever, get long counters, anything you wanted.”
I leaned over him, until I could feel his breath on my face, and he was the one who started the next kiss, pushing at me until it was me on my back with him draped over me. He sighed and eased himself away.
“I love you,” I said gently, and waited for him to answer. “Do you still feel the same about me? Am I too late?”
He tucked his head under my chin. “I’m confused.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“All these years, and you never once thought to tell me that you loved me?”
Now was the time for truth, but was I ready to tell him? I swallowed the sudden anxiety, aware we were on a precipice, and it would only take one step and we could tumble to our deaths, or we could fly.
“I never knew what real love could look like.”
He sat up and away from me then, crossing his legs with moonbeams catching his hair and casting an ethereal glow about him. He looked otherworldly, beautiful, confused, and my heart ached with love.
“I don’t understand,” he prompted cautiously.
“It started when I came back for Charlie’s christening. He was only a baby, no more than a few weeks, and I recall Callum rocking him, but nothing would stop him crying.” I paused for him to say he remembered, but he didn’t speak so I forged ahead. “You took him from Callum, and you crouched by the Christmas tree, and you were showing Charlie the lights reflected on the crystal teddies. You had little stories for each one I’d sent so far, and I watched you both, as you wove this entire magic world of happy ever after, and with each word you said, I saw more of you.” I hesitated. “I’m just a hockey player, I don’t have poetry and clever words…”
“You’re doing okay.”
“It hit me that all this emotion was something new to me, and then slowly, each time I came home, I fell a little more, and I know to you it must seem so quick, but to me it’s been years. I’m selfish, and an idiot, and I’m tired of not knowing who I really am if I don’t love you, and I don’t want to play with your emotions. God, I’m fucking this up.” I felt as if my words were tripping over each other. “If you have questions about how I feel, or you want me to—"
“I’m tired,” he interrupted. “I need to go.”
I helped him to stand and knew he needed time. I wanted to convince him that my heart was his, but if it took me forever, then I would wait. And if he decided he could never love me then I would have to be alone. He was everything to me—I just needed to communicate that and love him the best I could and hope he could love me back.
But I’d still be staying in town, in this house. Whatever happened.
We walked back to his place, hand-in-hand, mostly in silence, but it wasn’t a horrible silence heavy with recrimination, it was a gentle silence where we were both consumed by thoughts. I kissed him goodnight at his door, and he didn’t push me away. The kiss lingered, but there was one more thing I needed to do, and I took off my other glove and rummaged in the pocket of my voluminous coat, pulling out the package I’d brought with me from Albany.
“This is for you. It might not be something that you still want… but I just want you to know that I always listen to you. I know about your designing, and your hopes, and the coffee you drink, and that your favorite color is yellow.”
“How do you know that?”
“What part?”
“Yellow.”
I cupped his face and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “You wear it all the time, and with your golden hair, you look like sunshine to me, Angel.”
He stared at me for a moment, and I stole one last kiss before backing away and gesturing for him to go inside, before hearing the locks being turned.
I hope I hadn’t just wrecked everything.
Chapter Fourteen
BAILEY
Boots was standing guard at the top of the stairs, and I petted him on autopilot.
“He kissed me,” I told my purring cat, and got a nuzzle in return. I stripped off my coat and boots, then sunk into my sofa, the present at my side, Boots curling in my lap, feeling as if I was in a dream. “He says he loves me.”
The kisses had been everything I’d wanted and more. All I’d wanted was to wrap myself around him and kiss him forever.
It was a dream come true.
All those years ago, I had said I’d had feelings for him, I’d laid it all out for him, told him how wrong I felt, and he’d been kind, but he’d never once shown interest in me since then. He said he’d flirted, but I didn’t remember any flirting. Was the way he hugged me flirting? Or the way he ruffled my hair? Or the way he would sit and talk to me for hours about my jewelry designs?
I thought he was just being kind.
But that was flirting?
He always went on my team when he was home for whatever his sister organized, called us team Kailey, and took winning at Pictionary, or charades, or snowball fights, very seriously. He’d always end a win with a hug and a fist-bump, but then if we lost, there would still be a hug. He would show great patience when he talked to me about hockey, but the last few years, our conversations had become deeper. I’d ask a question that I had planned—something to do with hockey normally—and he would brush that off and turn it on its head, asking me about my jewelry, listening to me ramble on about designs. He complimented me on what I was wearing; he backed me up if my brothers messed with me; he smiled at me all the time.
“Oh god.” Sudden realization swept over me. “That was all flirting? For real?” How had I missed it? When had it started? Why hadn’t he just come out and said he was flirting with me? How had he observed so much to know I loved yellow? I thought it was only me who noticed things like that. I reached for the glittery bag he’d given me and untied the bow, holding the edges apart, glancing in, and then closing it again.
I groaned, so loud that Boots gave one startled mew and vanished behind the sofa, and in a flurry of motion, I took myself and the bag into my bedroom and shut the door on inquisitive pets before sitting on the side of my bed with its bright yellow and orange cover. My breathing was rapid, my heart pounding, and it was so warm I felt as if I was burning up. I waited for the shame, and the embarrassment, but instead, I recalled Kai’s words.
This is for you. It might not be something that you still want… but I just want you to know that I always listen to you.
I poked at the bag, pushing it away from me, so it landed out of reach. All these years, I’d hoped he’d forgotten that one thing I should never have mentioned, but he’d listened, and now, look what he’d done.