“Good night, Carter.”
“Good night, Grace.”
She lingers, waits a beat, and when she realizes I’m not going to say anything more, she saunters off, back to her room.
I fall back onto the couch, scrubbing my face with my hand. She has to move out. She has to leave. But I can’t stomach that either. I want her to stay, and I need her to go. Never in my life have I been this conflicted. This tied up in knots. She’s wreaking havoc on my life, more so now than she ever has before.
The ultimate pleasure pain.
One that’s hurting me, but I can’t seem to stop poking at, needing it because without that sharp draw of pain, I think I’d feel more lost than ever. She was right with what she said tonight. All of it. I don’t remember the last time I let loose. The last time I relaxed and had fun. Sure, I go out with friends and my brothers. We have a good time.
But it’s different. It’s simply me going through the motions.
It’s a relic of the life I want. The life I should be living.
Standing, I walk into the kitchen, taking a final sip of my scotch and then pouring the rest down the drain, leaving the glass in the sink because I don’t feel like washing it. Then I head for my room, brush my teeth, and get myself ready for bed. Ready to start another day.
Because I don’t have a choice.
And pretty soon, she’ll be gone. Just a few more weeks, tops.
One day it’ll be easier than it is now. Eventually I’ll get over her. I just hope I can make it until then before I snap.
13
“Night shift, oh night shift, I hate you, you suck,” Rina sings as she scoops a large dollop of ice cream from her to-go cup from the cafeteria and plops it into her mouth.
“Patient die?”
The only thing Rina ever eats on a night shift is an ice cream sundae and only ever when a patient codes or dies.
“No,” she marbles through her bite. “We pulled him through, but just barely and it’s still rocky. It’s going to be a long night with him, and I have a feeling come four am, he’s going to try this on me again.”
I grimace. This is why I like delivering babies. Not that we don’t have our share of heartache and when we do, it’s far more devastating than anything—we’re talking either a new mom or a new baby—but still, our joy is infectious. It’s why Rina is here, standing outside the nursery looking in at all the adorable new life.
“I’m here,” Margot pants, briskly walking down the hall. “God, Drew was all up my ass with a patient tonight. Is it a full moon?” She blinks at Rina. “Shit. A sundae. Did they make it?”
“Barely,” I answer for Rina who has her mouth full. I take a bite of my protein bar which is nowhere near as delicious as Rina’s sundae appears to be.
“You know what’s not so fun?” Margot questions rhetorically, I’m assuming since she goes on to answer her own question. “The fact that the hospital doesn’t serve cocktails. I mean, think of how many people who come here could really use a drink.”
I laugh before I can stop it. “That oddly makes some sense.”
“Right? Then we could get Halle and Aria here too. It would be great instead of depressing.”
“Except we all have to go back to work and that is definitely not something any of us can do after a cocktail.”
Margot stares contemplatively at Rina for a moment. “I suppose that’s true and that’s why you go for the sundaes instead.”
Rina points her spoon at her. “You got it, kid.”
“Fine. But we need another girls’ night out. Last night doesn’t count because the guys were all there. This being engaged to Drew stuff is a lot to take in. I’m not good at it and he’s all, let’s plan our wedding.” She mocks his deep voice. “Ugh. Doesn’t he comprehend I’m damaged goods and damaged goods people cannot be rushed into things like marriage?” She blinks at me. “Shit. Sorry. Is this rude to talk about?”
I wave her away. “No, it’s nice to hear. Not the damaged goods part, obviously. Drew is an amazing man and I’m so happy for the two of you. He’s nothing like Tony. Drew would carry you barefoot over broken glass whereas Tony would have used me as his shoes if that makes any sense.”
“It kind of does,” Rina agrees, playing with the remains of her now soupy sundae. “But speaking of broken glass, I heard about your Carrie Underwood move.”
“From Carter or Oliver?”
“Yes,” she replies with a grin.
“God, those boys gossip, don’t they?”
“You’re deflecting.”
“Wait? What is this?” Margot asks, her head ping-ponging back and forth between Rina and me. I lean against the wall, staring into the nursery through the large glass window, shrugging like it’s no big deal. Then I think better of it and look over my shoulder, making sure we’re alone. Janet isn’t here tonight, thank God, but Dylan is, and that man will be all over it if he hears what I did.
I turn back to the babies.
“Carter helped me get the rest of my stuff from my now former apartment, which sadly wasn’t a whole lot. Life of a resident, I guess. Anyway, I decided to go all Carrie Underwood on Tony’s ridiculous assortment of beauty products and broke a bunch of bottles in the bathroom.”
Margot cackles out a laugh. “Epic. I love it. Have you heard from him since?”
“Yes. He texted to say he was very sorry I had to see the place like that, and it was only like that because he misses me so much.” I pause here to flagrantly roll my eyes. Twisting to put my back against the wall, I prop my foot up into it. “He blathered on about how he wished I had messaged him first to let him know I was coming by. I didn’t reply. The apartment looked like a frat house complete with empty bottles and condom wrappers.”
Both ladies scrunch up their noses in disgust. I’m with them on that. If I was rocking any sort of heartbreak from Tony’s betrayal, seeing the apartment yesterday zapped any residual love or affection right out of me. Now I’m just appalled and remorseful and sick. Just thinking about Tony makes my skin itch and my stomach roll, ready to hurl.
“Well now you can get jiggy with someone else. That guy last night obviously didn’t do it for you. How about Carter?” Margot suggests, and I choke to death right here in the hall, hacking and coughing, the bite of protein bar I had been chewing now lodged in the back of my throat. “Jesus, you okay?”
“Do you need us to Heimlich you or something?” Rina questions. “Crap. You totally do.” Without waiting for my reply, she springs into action. You know, because I can’t speak since I’m choking like a damn fool, hand on my throat and everything right here in the middle of the hospital. She rushes to my side and thrusts me forward while slamming the butt of her hand repeatedly into my back between my shoulder blades like you would a choking infant. Not quite the Heimlich, but it has the intended effect. The piece dislodges from my throat, and I gasp for air.
“Better now?”
I give her a weak thumbs up as I manage to finally swallow the sticky bite down the right pipe.
Wow, that was a super cool and classy move.