“Your mother’s letters? What do you mean? On our first date you said you never had any contact with her.”
I could feel the butterflies picking up in my stomach as I fingered the stack of letters. “When Evie and Suda Kaye showed up out of the blue to my childhood home almost three months ago, they brought me a huge stack of letters that my birth mother had written to me when she was ill and close to the end of her life.”
“Whoa, that’s heavy.”
“It is. Not something I ever expected. My mother was never on my radar at all. I’d been raised to believe she was only an egg donor and surrogate, which wasn’t the truth.”
“Damn, Isa, learning all of this had to be a shock.”
I nodded and continued. “According to Evie, when she and Suda Kaye were teenagers, our mom came home and moved them to Pueblo. She spent the next few years with them and when they were at school or helping her with her illness, she’d write letters. She ended up leaving each of us a stack, one to open every birthday. I’m playing catch up since the letters start when we’re eighteen. I’ll be turning twenty-five later this year and have only read numbers eighteen and nineteen.”
“You’re going to open up the letter she wrote you for your twentieth birthday,” he surmised accurately.
“Yeah,” I breathed. “It’s hard. I like reading them and getting to know my mother. Her name was Catori, by the way.”
“Beautiful name. Like Isabeau.”
“Thank you.” I picked up the letter and tapped it against my lip. “It’s just strange learning about her. I went my whole life not knowing I had a real mother. Not knowing I had sisters. It makes me angry, but also incredibly sad that she felt she had to make the choices she did. I would have rather her been in my life even from afar, knowing she was chronically ill, than not at all. You know?”
“I do. For the last couple years, I wanted that for Hope desperately. But it doesn’t mean Catori didn’t love you. Based on what you’ve said, it actually means she loved you very much.”
“It would have been nice to hear her say it, even just once to my face.”
“Baby...” he whispered.
I swallowed and swiped at the stupid tears that I didn’t realize were running down my face until they dripped off my chin.
“I’m fine. Honestly. I’m used to it. I actually feel really hypocritical about my feelings surrounding Catori.”
“How so?”
“Because I had amazing parents and a childhood filled with nothing but support and love. My fathers doted on me like their most prized gift. They gave me everything I needed and worked hard to give me a lot of what I wanted. Evie and Suda Kaye might have had Catori and Adam, but it wasn’t regularly or even frequent. It was whenever their father was on leave and when their mother was ready to flutter back into their lives. That had to be way harder than having two devoted parents your entire life. And still, now that I know about Catori, I feel her loss as if it’s always been a part of me. It’s ridiculous and doesn’t make any sense.”
“I don’t believe that’s true, Isa. You’re entitled to miss something you’ve never had because it should have been yours in the first place. All kids deserve to have devoted parents. It doesn’t take the place of wanting to connect to the woman who gave you life. It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to feel deeply about all of this. It’s a lot to take on in a short amount of time.”
“You think?” I stuttered.
“I do, sweetheart. Don’t feel bad because you’re missing what you didn’t have. It’s natural. There’s nothing wrong about wishing you had someone in your life. I wish Veronica could have gotten her shit together and could be a mother to Hope. Sometimes I still wish she’ll turn things around, because one day it’s going to really bother Hope. I can see it happening. She’s already started asking why she doesn’t have a mommy because she’s in school with other children and they often talk about their moms on the playground or in class.”
“Poor Hope.”
“Yeah, and poor Izzy. Baby, you were abandoned by your mother. She may have had her reasons but it’s not that different from Veronica bailing on Hope because of her addiction. It’s abandonment any way you look at it and that brings about a lot of strong feelings.”
“But I’m gaining so much... Evie, Suda Kaye...”
“And you should have had them in your life the entire time. Ian should have been able to connect with Suda Kaye. I don’t care what the agreement was. It doesn’t change how much being left behind hurts. I feel that every time I put my daughter to bed at night and she prays that her mommy is safe and happy wherever she is. It’s not okay. And it wasn’t okay for Catori to do that to you, either. So be mad, baby. If you want to yell, yell. If you want to cry, cry. But don’t ever disregard your feelings as being ridiculous. They are real and you deserve to have them however they come about.”
“If you keep being so awesome, I’m going to fall in love with you. Then you’re going to have to deal with having your counters filled to the brim with baked goods, and you’re going to lose that washboard stomach, because my treats are that good.”
He chuckled and I felt it rumble through my entire body and settle in my toes. “Good problem to have, Isa. A woman that stays. A woman that wants to be with me and my kid and serve us up delicious treats made by her own hand? Twist my arm already. A gut is nothing. I’ll add more crunches to my workout routine. Don’t you worry, honey, I’m all about any treats you want to bestow on me and my girl.”
“Thank you for being honest with me tonight. I’m sorry about Veronica,” I whispered as if speaking louder would break the soul sharing we had going.
“I’m sorry about Catori. Though I gotta say, letting it all go and giving it up to you took a lot of weight off my chest. I feel like I can breathe better, baby. You do that for me. You help me to breathe.”
I smiled so huge my cheeks hurt with the effort. “I’m glad. Get yourself a beer. I’m going to read my letter, probably have a good, long cry and then read some smutty historical romance.”
“Okay, baby. If the next letter upsets you, call me. I’ll be up for a while. Don’t want you feeling hurt while you’re all alone.”
I grinned. “Remember what I said about being too awesome...”
He laughed heartily and then yawned.
“Go to bed, Kyson. We’ll talk tomorrow. Thank you again for tonight.”
“Any time, Isa. And I mean that. You’re the only person outside of my brothers and parents that I’ve shared any of that with. You’ve got the same from me, yeah?”