A new thought occurred to me at the same moment I reached it. Where was Finn? I was surprised he hadn’t come running when Collith’s spine hit the wall. Worried about my werewolf now, I started making another drink, then reconsidered. Even if Belanor wouldn’t attack until the opera, knowing he was awake was reason enough to stay sober. I spun around again, a headache starting at my temples. I glanced toward the kitchen and saw a small light at the base of the coffee maker was on, indicating heat.
God bless you, Emma Miller.
Taking long, subtly frantic strides, I fetched a mug from the cupboard. I pulled the coffee pot out and poured. Steam and trickling sounds rose into the air. Without looking up I asked, “Why are you here, Collith?”
He’d stayed in the doorway this entire time. Watching me silently.
“I came to make sure you’re all right.” His voice was soft, and the words were spoken like a statement. Fact. No adornments or attempts at persuasion.
I was so desperate to keep the headache at bay that I didn’t bother with milk or sugar. Leaning against the edge of the counter, I took my first sip, and it was as bitter as it smelled.
“I’m alive, if that’s what you mean,” I managed, swallowing. I tried not to wince. “You’re looking pretty alive yourself, by the way. Zara must’ve stopped by the safe house, huh? You don’t trust anyone else, and she tends to help people she shouldn’t. Believe me, I would know.”
Collith’s eyes were shadowed, his jaw tight. He didn’t acknowledge my comment. “I fucked up,” he said bluntly. “I know that. But could you try seeing things from my point of view?”
“Pretty sure I can’t fit my head that far up my ass.” In another burst of temper, I moved to close the door on him. My coffee sloshed onto the floor.
Collith shoved it back open and demanded, “Are we even now?”
I scoffed, returning to the island to slam my coffee mug down. I couldn’t drink it, anyway. “What do you mean?”
“I took something from you, and now you’ve taken something from me. Or, rather, given it to someone else.”
I froze at Collith’s words, grateful that he couldn’t see my face. Then I considered his words and it clicked—his throne. He was talking about his throne. I almost exhaled in relief. For a wild moment, I’d thought Collith was referring to Laurie in some confusing way. Revealing that he knew what happened between us. Why does it matter if he knows? that tiny voice taunted.
Collith was still waiting for an answer to his question.
“No,” I said finally, speaking over my shoulder. “We’re not even. Not even close.”
“What will it take?”
“Nothing. Do you understand? We’re finished.” I spat out the word as if it was broken glass. I went to the cupboard and snatched a glass from the bottom shelf, needing to occupy my hands. Needing to do something so Collith wouldn’t see how much he still affected me.
Even now, he didn’t move from the doorway. Feeling his eyes on the back of my head, I walked over to the refrigerator and shoved my glass beneath the water dispenser. Collith’s voice followed me. “We’re never finished, because I belong to you, Fortuna Sworn. Regardless of whether or not you belong to me. That very first day in the market, I knew.”
I rolled my eyes, facing him again. “I’ve heard this all before. You knew what we could do together and how powerful we could be, yada, yada. Tell me, what are you doing these days? I imagine you have a lot of free time, being unemployed and all.”
This time, Collith didn’t have a retort ready. He stood there, hands shoved in his pockets, his chin nearly touching his chest. His lips were pursed and his brow furrowed, the picture of deep thought. Something stopped me from trying to drive him away again. I stayed where I was, waiting for Collith to end the silence.
“When I learned that you’d executed an entire field of people,” he said slowly, raising his head, “I had to see it for myself. The image still haunts me. I remember standing there, looking out at the carnage and wondering who I blamed more—you or myself. I spent the entire day tending to the bodies. I bribed people into silence, I called in every favor still owed to me, I dug some of the graves with my own hands. And we took pictures of every single face, so their families could be notified.
“Some of them were my friends, you know. There was Lorenzo, a warlock who rented a stall at the black market to sell his herbs. And Mia attended that day, a vampire who posed as a buyer to bid on slaves and free them after the auction. Then I found Thomas. Tommy, he liked to be called. He was no saint, but he never harmed anyone for the things he kept in his jars—he was just a scavenger with a strong stomach.”
My own stomach was rolling now. Crashing like ocean waves in a storm. I fought the urge to vomit. Why are you telling me this? I wanted to ask Collith. I already knew the answer, though. They deserved to be remembered, the people I’d killed. I deserved to know and bear the truth of what I’d done.
But Collith was a fool if he thought the reminder of my own mistakes would make me absolve his.
When it became clear that he was finished, I set the glass of water down on the island, right beside my abandoned coffee. I closed the distance between us once more, stopping only when I stood so close, I could see the flecks of amber in Collith’s hazel eyes. Eyes that I hadn’t been able to forget, no matter how much pain they brought me. Collith gazed back, the sadness still clinging to his features.
“Get out,” I said softly.
He didn’t look surprised or disappointed, but he didn’t leave, either. Collith just kept looking at me with more shadows in his gaze as he murmured, “You still smell like him, you know.”
I went still again. He knows.
A secret part of me quaked. Rather than giving in to the strange fear, I lifted my chin. You have nothing to be sorry for. “That’s none of your business,” I told Collith. My voice was firm.
“I apologize. You’re absolutely right—that was out of line. I may be a bit more jealous than I thought. I’ll go.” The faerie began to turn, but then he paused. He looked back at me, frowning. “May I ask you one more thing, before I take my leave?”
“No.” I ground my teeth together. “What?”
Collith hesitated. His confusion seemed genuine as he went on, a line between his brows, “Why did you tell Laurie? About what happened at the crossroads? Why were you able to tell him and not me?”
“How do you know about that?” I asked, then shook my head in the space of a heartbeat. “Laurie told you, of course. I shouldn’t be surprised—he can never keep his goddamn mouth shut. Fine, if you won’t leave, then I will. Close the door behind you when you’re done.”
I took the van keys off the hook. My coat was next. Trying to outrun Collith’s question, I brushed past him and went down the stairwell. He raised his voice and called after me. “Whatever I have to do to earn your forgiveness, I’ll do it. I promised that I wouldn’t give up on you, remember?”
I stopped at the landing and looked back at him. I pulled on my coat and said, “You promised me a lot of things.”
Then I was gone.
The instant I stepped outside, someone took the keys out of my hand. Finn’s gentle tenor floated into the still morning. “I’ll drive you.”