Damon came upstairs a few minutes later.
Relieved, I put my phone down and turned toward him. He placed the baby monitor on the countertop and sat, rubbing his face. Damon’s voice was muffled when he said, “I’ve never felt like this before.”
Compassion panged in my chest. I shifted, moving closer, and rested my head on his shoulder. “I think you’ve discovered your worst fear, little brother,” I murmured.
He made a soft sound, not quite a laugh, not quite a sigh. “It’s my job to protect him, isn’t it? But it doesn’t feel right, keeping a mother from her son. Then I remember Fred. I see the moment he…”
His jaw worked, and suddenly I could see that moment, too. I blinked it away, along with the sound of Fred’s scream. Damon had gone still beside me, radiating fear and pain. I frantically tried to think of how to help. Life would be so much easier if it were as black and white as the humans believed. But the truth was, life was covered in shades of gray.
Because I didn’t know what else to say, I gave Damon the words that had meant so much to me when nothing in my world had made sense: “I’m here.”
I shifted again, giving him a sideways hug. We stayed like that for a minute or two, our temples pressed together, his breathing a soft sound in my ear. The stillness ended when the baby monitor crackled. There was the soft sound of rustling sheets. Damon straightened, rubbing his eyes. “I better check on him,” he said.
I flashed a sympathetic smile. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“No.” Damon picked up the monitor and stood. “You’ve been through enough.”
“So have you,” I countered.
The monitor had gone quiet again. For a moment, neither of us moved or spoke. Slowly, Damon eased back onto the stool. When more seconds passed and it became clear Matthew had fallen back asleep, he relaxed. Then his eyes fell upon the teddy bear—the one Savannah had brought—and his mouth tightened. I knew he was thinking about the confrontation with her again.
“I tell myself that everything will be okay, and then I remember how much went wrong for our parents,” Damon said, his voice soft, “They probably told themselves the same thing. And I’m so much weaker than they were.”
He wasn’t just talking about tonight’s visit from Savannah; I could hear Jassin’s shadow in my brother’s voice now. Suddenly I had an urge to grab that bottle and pour out two drinks. I rested my temple against my fist, hiding the wine from view.
“Are you kidding?” I demanded. “The fact that you’re standing next to me right now is proof of how strong you are.”
Damon made a soft sound of doubt. “I don’t feel strong.”
“Want to know a secret? Neither do I.” I gave him a bittersweet smile. A brief pause fell between us, and I used it to gather the nerve for what I was about to say. “Would you do it all over again? Get in my car the day I turned eighteen?”
It was a question that had haunted me for years. For a moment, my brother just looked at me. Really looked at me, the way he had before that evil bastard kidnapped him. Then Damon said, as if it were so simple, “We made a promise.”
I blinked rapidly, but the countertop blurred anyway. I moved to leave the stool, clearing my throat. “I’m going to get ready for bed. Let me know if you need anything,” I said with a tremulous smile. “And try not to worry. We’re going to figure this out. Promise.”
As I stood, I felt that unmistakable sensation of something inside me coming loose. An instant later, my underwear was slightly damp. Realization raced through me and sent my pulse into a frenzy.
I’d gotten my period.
Part of me really had believed the pregnancy tests were wrong. I gripped the edge of the counter, staring at the cupboards without seeing them. Damon was looking at me with alarm now. “Fortuna? Are you okay?”
I’m not pregnant. The thought was like a bell. It clanged, then faded away. Just when I thought it was gone, it came back. I’m not pregnant.
Why did it feel as if I’d lost something? I remembered Collith’s remark outside the club. You seem disappointed.
Without warning, the face of that rosy-cheeked baby loomed in my mind’s eye. I made a strange sound, so faint Damon didn’t hear it. Something halfway between a sob and a sigh. “Yeah, fine,” I said finally. “Sorry. Just got a cramp.”
The baby monitor went off before Damon could respond. He pushed to his feet, moving as if he were a hundred years old. I pushed my stool beneath the counter, which drew my gaze toward that bottle again. It glinted from the lights hanging over the island.
Why not? I thought. I succumbed to the impulse to wrap my hand around its glass neck. “Mind if I finish this off?”
“Yes. I can’t watch you do this to yourself again,” Damon muttered.
I kissed his cheek. “Then look the other way. Love you.”
I took the bottle with me into the bedroom and closed the door.
The next time I opened my eyes, and the lines of the alarm clock became solid, the numbers said it was past four o’clock in the afternoon. I’d slept another day away.
I sat up without thinking, and I was instantly reminded why I didn’t like to drink—pain hammered at my temples like there were small, invisible creatures swinging mallets at them. Groaning, I forced myself into a vertical position and went in search of something that would make me feel better, pocketing my phone as I went.
Finn was in his usual spot in front of the fireplace. The second my bedroom door opened, he lifted his head and gave me an assessing look. I yawned as I lumbered past him and Matthew, who was rolling a plastic train across the floor. “I’m fine, Finn. I just need some coffee,” I mumbled.
Damon looked up from the book in his hands. It must’ve still been the weekend, because he sat on the couch, wearing jeans and his favorite gray hoodie. An empty plate rested on the side table next to him. Damon didn’t seem to be aware of the worry tinging his smile. “Good morning, sister of mine. Or should I say, good afternoon? There’s half a pot of coffee over there. I just made it a couple hours ago.”
Giving him a feeble smile of thanks, I made my way over to the kitchen. “Where is Emma?”
“She went to Denver for the day. Visiting some friends, I think.”
“Oh, good. I’m glad she’s having fun.” I pressed my hand against my forehead, then reached for a clean coffee mug.
“Danny should be here any second. It isn’t quite Matthew’s bedtime yet, so we thought we’d watch a movie.” Damon paused. “Do you want to join us?”
In response to this, I finished pouring my coffee, walked across the room, and sank onto the couch beside my brother. He smiled and went back to his book. I pulled out my phone and responded to messages from Maureen, Bea, and, of all people, Viessa. I also sent a text to Lyari, trying to disguise the fact that I was checking on her. She’d probably consider it an insult, somehow.
A few minutes later, the door to the loft opened. Danny walked inside first, followed by a thin figure with a shock of bleached hair. While the deputy hung his coat, Gil and I locked eyes, and we were instantly grinning.
“Found this one on the road,” Danny remarked, striding toward the couch. He bent and gave Damon a gentle kiss, bringing a rush of cold with him.